Sextion: Your sex life, as explained by Halloween candy


When trying to determine which aspect of Halloween I wanted to write about for this week’s Sextion post, I was distraught as all hell. The former Sextion columnists absolutely killed it in the costume department: if you need to know what not to wear if you want to hook up with someone this Halloweekend, what sex your costume will inspire, and what your costume says about your sexuality, check them out! 

What could I write about, though? A Halloween-themed Sextion post seemed hopeless until it hit me: candy. Candy’s the part of Halloween you cared the most about when you were a little kid, but nowadays it seems to take the backseat to sexy costumes and partying (ugh).


However, candy, often ignored in the college Halloween scene, can be sexy and fun, too! So, in honor of this holiday’s real star, here is your sex life as explained by Halloween candies:


M&Ms: A dime a dozen, not that interesting, and slightly unsatisfying, M&Ms are missionary. However, you can eat about a million of these without ever getting bored, so maybe I should cut M&Ms/missionary some slack.


Lifesavers: Lifesavers are the end of a long sexual dry spell. Let’s agree that that much needed hookup just might’ve saved your life/sanity


Airheads: Airheads are a little strange (their texture? their shape? their colors?) till you realize how AMAZING they are. You know what else seems weird until you get the hang of it? High sex.


Oh Henry!s: Clearly, “Ohhhhhhhh” Henrys are great sex with a guy named Henry. Unfortunately, like these candy bars, which I have literally never laid eyes upon before, Henrys are fairly hard to find in this day and age. If only they were called “Oh Mike!”s or “Oh Matt!”s!


Take 5: When the sex is so bomb you need to take a 5 minute break.


SweeTarts: SweeTarts are sex with your high school sweetheart. Sadly, just as you slowly realize that you’ve outgrown that relationship, you also eventually come to the understanding that Sweetarts are low-key gross.


Snickers: Snickers are when you have an awkward moment while hooking up (such as not being able to get your partner’s clothes off or accidentally bumping teeth while aggressively making out), but you’re both awesome enough to giggle it off and continue.


Sour Patch Kids: What do Sour Patch Kids have in common with hate sex? First they’re sour, then they’re sweet.


3 Musketeers: The makers of this candy bar are just begging me to point out its obvious threesome nature. You kinky musketeers you.636_butterfinger2_apgButterfingers: I almost didn’t include this one because it’s so obvious. Clearly, Butterfingers, my favorite candy bar, would be fingering, my favorite form of foreplay.


Mr. Goodbar: Mr. Goodbar knows how to treat a lady, if you know what I mean.

I hope I ruined the childlike innocence of some of your favorite Halloween candies. Now go have an awesome Halloweekend, Brunonia!



Images via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, and via.

The Activities Fair: A Retrospective

It comes once twice a year. The chance for every club to strut its stuff. The chance for every new freshman to find his or her new calling among the diverse, active, hilarious, serious, lighthearted, political, food-oriented, and multicultural chaos integral to all of Brown’s student groups and clubs. Fun, right?

It sucks. It really effing sucks.

Continue Reading

FrugaList Vol. 2

‘Sup, britches.  You have money but you want to spend less of it.  Understandable.  None of us wants to be nickeled and dimed until we are forced to get a buzz from candy.  Take heart – it’s the FrugaList, Vol. 2.


Brown treats food like the tears of orphans – a rare commodity to be conserved at all costs, supped silently in the dark of the night, and priced beyond infinity until even the Ratty’s all-you-can-eat baked scrod looks like fleshy gold.  But there are ways around it, beyond, you know, blatantly stuffing your bag with 50 Nuckets and sidling out.

Consider this:  next time you’re in Jo’s on a quesadilla night, pay attention to the white condiment containers.  They’re tubs of fun, just waiting to be filled with…wait for it..soup.  SOUP.  One night I naively thought that they were, indeed, meant to be filled with soup, so I stacked a pair of chowdahs on top of my quesadilla and went to pay.  When I was unquestioningly charged $5.95 (or whatever queso costs), for the whole load, I stood stunned by the culinary concussion grenade that had roared through my mind, then handed the cashier my card.  Had three meals right there, for the price of one.  Smart.  And if you’re a BUDS worker reading this, don’t be a dick.  You know we’d do the same for you.

Savings: 500 Brown Dollars (although it’s probably changed since I last went to Jo’s) Continue Reading

Because Everyone Loves Free Candy: A College Student’s Guide to Trick-or-Treating

College is all about juxtaposing the old with the new, combining the rights of adulthood with childhood nostalgia.  Those songs you loved in middle school are even more fun to sing while drunk!  What better way to procrastinate writing your thesis than by watching old cartoons and playing Pokémon on your Gameboy?  Sometimes, you just have to feel like a kid again, and you can do that on Halloween in the midst of all the more “mature” antics.

Yes, there are some of us who still like to go trick-or-treating.  We’ve all heard about how weird it is that Halloween is on a Monday, but honestly, that’s the perfect excuse.  You can still celebrate Halloween on the actual day without impeding your ability to write that paper due Tuesday at noon, and you get free candy out of it!  Here are some tips to get the most out of being the oldest trick-or-treater on the block:

Continue Reading

Easter on the Green

The first day back from spring break is tough.  Fortunately, College Hill for Christ has, once again, relieved the Brown community’s collective stress with–you guessed it–candy!  The student organization has placed many chocolate-filled plastic Easter eggs (like the one shown above) on the main green.  Each egg has a little message inside wishing its finder a happy Easter.  Thanks CHC!