How I got my Career Fair swag on

The loot.

The loot. (Recycling bin not included)

The Career Fair is the best day of the year. Why? Because a) the economy is in the shitter, and b) I’m a humanities person.

Therefore, if I’m going to spend the bulk of my twenties sleeping on my parents’ couch, I’m damned well going to take all of these companies’ free shit to play with in the meantime. All of the pictures in this post include only items I got for free at the 2o13 Career Fair. While everyone else was walking around in stuffy suits and handing out resumes, I was in casual Friday attire… on a Wednesday.

As you can imagine, no one was trying to bribe the sophomore English major to join their software tech company, so I was fending for myself. By the time I left, my bag was so large it looked like I had a paisley-patterned Siamese twin. Technically, I didn’t steal anything, but I did manage to look like a huge A-hole.

Though I don’t recommend trying this at home, here’s what I did after the jump.

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At 8 years old, I was already very concerned about the Career Fair.

WTF Career Fair?

At 8 years old, I was already very concerned about the Career Fair.

I didn’t go to the Career Fair yesterday.

I planned to. I had absolutely nothing to do between 12-4. My Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule is surprisingly open this year, and while that means a hectic Tuesday-Thursday, I enjoy the luxury of lounging around most of the day in pajamas and eating large amounts of gummy vitamins, since I have consumed all other nutrional substances in my room. (Seriously though, those gummy bears are delicious—do bad things happen if you eat ten in one day?! [Ed.- Yes.])

But I didn’t go. I refused to embrace pre-professionalism and thus probably sentenced myself to a purgatory of cubicles and mediocrity.  I watched my peers don their slacks and pantsuits and march off with unbridled optimism, resumes in hand, ready to conquer Corporate America. And I attempted to rationalize my decision to ditch.


1. The Dresscode. Seriously, who do we think we’re kidding? We don’t dress like that. The employers know we don’t dress like that. Brown students, in general, have two modes of dress: Homeless People (being sweatpants, sweatshirts, and bedhead) and Chique Homeless People (harem pants, anything from Urban Outfitters, and bedhead achieved through an hour-long battle with a curling iron and hairspray).

Do we really think that wearing those awful tan trousers will change anything?

2. Resume Anxiety. I don’t have anything close to That Awesome Internship, and I’m betting a ton of Brunonians don’t either. “Research” means I watched a lot of Netflix and effed around on Wikipedia all summer. “Advanced Infant Supervisor” means babysitter. And you better believe the employers know it.

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How to lose a job (you never really had) in 10 seconds

From 12 – 4 p.m. tomorrow, CareerLab will host its annual Fall Career Fair with over 90 representatives from well-known organizations like Microsoft, Amazon, and Facebook. As you eagerly enter Sayles Hall, remember to think of the dos and don’ts of career fair etiquette.

If you’re trying to land a job interview make a bad impression, consider doing the following…

1) Give all the employers pretentious business cards with your name and concentration. Handing a future employer a business card with the impressive  obvious title “Brown student” will probably give them a good laugh.

2) Employers love enthusiasm so use this occasion to sport your “Brown State” shirt to highlight your excitement for homecoming this weekend.

3) Speaking of clothing, the fair does happen to fall on Wednesday, which means you should wear to the fair whatever you plan on wearing to Whisko later. If someone asks why you’re dressed the way you are, just explain where you’re going after to emphasize that you have “social” and “people” skills.

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Editor’s note: Cashing in a nickname for a paycheck

There are two things that many of my friends – yes, people with whom I would consider myself to have meaningful relationships – do not know about me: 1) I am a leftie and 2) My real name is Jennifer.  Continue Reading