Today in news you didn’t know could make news: Nutella theft at Columbia University has reached catastrophic highs. Since Nutella became a regular amenity in Ferris Booth Commons (like the Sharpe Refectory, but with more affectation), Dining Services weekly costs have supposedly jumped up by thousands of dollars. Yes, the simple and addictive chocolate-hazelnut spread was disappearing at a rate of about 100 pounds per week (i.e. the amount of weight one could feasibly put on by downing tubs of Nutella regularly). The New York Times claims that these numbers are up for debate, but maintains that students fear that their spread hoarding will limit future improvements in dining services. Colleges have a tendency to make the trivial monumental within the microcosm of campus news, but now the Times has been sucked into a story that has essentially zero connection to Columbia’s Morningside Heights neighborhood, let alone the NY metropolitan area. I guess the relevance is that this whole ordeal makes a good case for Nutella’s drug-like qualities. Nevertheless, I believe this kind of gluttonous thievery would never occur at Brown — could you imagine the look on Gail’s face? Of course you can (see far right).