One fall evening, a group of Brown University seniors sat around a kitchen table in an off-campus apartment, casually drinking before a night out on the town. A Cosmopolitan magazine had been left on the counter by one of the female tenants, and it wasn’t long before one of the guys spotted it. He opened to a random page – sex confessions – and began to read, periodically pausing to gape at the absurd stories.
In case you are unfamiliar with this top-notch publication, Cosmopolitan is known for its unfiltered and often-absurdly unrealistic sex and relationship tips. Sure, it may be marketed towards a female audience, but who is to say that our male counterparts would not also benefit from the magazine’s wisdom? The logical next step to this enlightening process was to recreate the experience, but this time with
anti-freeze Fireball and a BlogDH videographer at hand to document the entire event.
Behold: Guys getting drunk and reading Cosmo.
Video shot and edited by Frida Perez ’17.
Who is Stefon?
Stefon, played by Bill Hader, is a reoccurring guest from the Weekend Update portion of SNL He is a sharp diva, with a dark edge, and hilariously quirky side. He is plugged into (what he thinks are) the best parties in NYC. His plans are odd, unique and always out there. If you do not know him already, watch the video below to get a glimpse of the genius of Stefon, or watch the video below because you love him already. Why aren’t you watching this already? If Stefon were to describe the freshmen party scene at Brown, this is what we think he’d say:
Brown’s hottest party is…Metcalf 2nd floor lounge. If you and your friends are looking for an unsanctioned, rowdy time, hit up the lounge. To get in just say the password: your SAT score. The party starts at 8:45 and gets shut down at 9:15 by DPS. Don’t worry, just get there early. There is watered down Vodka, beers someone stole from their dad, and some oregano that someone is pretending is weed. Show up fashionably early, and leave fashionably…early?
Helping you pregame like a pro.
For all you “sneaky booze drinkers” who are of age—as HuffPo would call you—Shots iGot is the new must-have app. As all college students firmly believe that VitaminWater/Gatorade/Coke bottles are the new martini glasses, your classiest nights have probably involved an unknown amount of liquor poured into one of these elegant containers. Then, after adding the perfect amount of meal-swiped Nantucket Nectars and Poland Springs like the pro-mixologist you are, you have concocted an excellent surprise-themed drink, allowing you and your friends to play the party classic Pass-the-Bottle-and-Don’t-Gag.
Enter Shots iGot: For a mere $1.99, you can choose from 44 container types, swipe your finger to indicate how much liquor you poured in, and discover just how many shots are actually in that water bottle. You can also start with a bottle that is half full of mixer and add liquor—just a touch-screen away from smart drinking. I know, Keeney bathrooms are about get so much less disgusting. Know your limits people; you want to try and avoid using our vom-embarassment spectrum.
This, by the way, is an app for college students made by college students. The three Rutgers and Princeton students have gone on to found their own startup aptly named Something With Flow. While a jealous part of me is mildly irritated that every third college student you hear about these days has his/her own startup (Brown students included), I can appreciate the effort make drinking safer, one iPhone at a time.
Wow. We need to step up our game. After Tufts’ annual “Winter Bash,” 15 Tufts students were “treated for excessive drinking,” six of whom got EMS-ed (or whatever they call it up there). Other kids were seen “throwing up and urinating in the lobby” of the Westin Copley Place hotel. Suffice it to say it’s a bit more upscale than the Whisko men’s room. Contrary to Bill O’Reilly’s belief, this actually makes SPG look tame-ish on the EMS front.
Ahhh Thanksgiving! Eating turkey, giving thanks for friends and family, and passing out on the couch like a football-watching beached whale. That’s fine, but personally I want more days centered around Americans being badass and climbing up flagpoles.
Ok ok, allow me to explain. When Lincoln created Thanksgiving in 1863, (there’s nothing Lincoln can’t do), Evacuation Day became obsolete as a holiday and faded by the turn of the 20th century. Before its untimely demise, Evacuation Day celebrated the end of the Revolutionary War: George “Gallant Stroll” Washington took back Manhattan and evacuated the last British troops from the island on November 25th, 1783. This is my appeal to bring back Evacuation Day because it’s crazy as fuck:
- The last shot of the war was apparently fired on this day when a smelly redcoat shot a cannon into a jeering crowd on Staten Island.
- By the time George Washington reached the Battery, (now Battery Park), British soldiers had nailed a British flag to a flagpole at the Battery and then greased the pole, proving their douchiness. The scrappy Americans nailed some wooden cleats to the pole and John Van Arsdale was able to switch out the Union Jack for the stars and stripes before the British fleet had sailed away. Continue Reading
To my fellow Brunonians:
Recently, I’ve come to a sobering realization. I’m writing today to confess something: I have a dark secret. It’s taken me four semesters to admit it, but I have a serious problem.
I didn’t recognize it for what it was at first. Sure, it was eating up my time, my money, but goddamnit I can stop whenever I want to!
It starts with a couple beers. A shot of tequila or vodka, maybe. Perhaps some mixed drinks. Seems pretty harmless. You’ve actually dressed up and put some makeup on. You go out. Drink some jungle juice. Now you’re bored, so you go home. Alone. Suddenly, you’re online. You can’t stop browsing. Click click click.
Before you know it, it’s 7 a.m. and the athletes are rising for practice.
No, my addiction is not porn. It’s much more sinister than your weekly boner jams. My porn is Amazon.com, eBay, Macy’s and Forever21.com. I am a Drunk Shopaholic, and PayPal is my enabler.