An honest cover letter (for the job you won’t get)

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We’re in the thick of internship application season, and many of us are sending out cover letter after cover letter in the hopes that someone in HR might slip up and actually hire us. For those who don’t feel like using mad libs to earn gainful employment, here’s a (brutally) honest cover letter about all of the marketable skills, leadership experience, and technical expertise my American Studies concentration has given me (Ed. Don’t send this to any employer ever):

To whom it may concern,

My name is Brian Semel and I am writing to apply for a summer internship position at your company, which I heard about through an incredibly vague Google search after looking at the dining hall menu for the third time today and before a YouTube video of animals with people voices, which is playing as I type this. I think you will find I am uniquely unqualified for any position whatsoever, and I am eager to work for a company I only just heard about.

I am a sophomore at Brown University where I concentrate in American Studies, which essentially means I live in America and think it’s kind of decent. My liberal arts education has given me no practical skills, but I have several suggestions about what to next binge on Netflix. My involvement in the Brown community can best be described as “insubstantial.” But fear not, potential employer: I also dislike working with others and I am terrible at coming up with even uncreative solutions to the most solvable problems.

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