Facebook is testing a new feature, which supposedly allows you to “manage your interactions with your ex.” What does that mean? Among other things, you can control how often you see your old flame in your newsfeed, message bars and suggested tags, all without them knowing.
An electronic way to get over your ex on FB may sound stupid and childish, but admit it: things were way easier before you were basically prompted to follow their every move. If you have been constantly searching for and interacting with, say Christina Paxson, and then things go sour when you find out she’s married, Facebook won’t know that. Internet suggestions function on algorithms, so for all the website thinks, CPax and you are still tight. It will keep on asking you to tag her in stuff even though it is breaking your heart! Eventually, the algorithms would take into account your lack of interaction with her, and she would stop flooding your interface.
Now, instead of waiting for time to heal all stalking habits, FB and you can finally have the dialogue where you say, “Mark Zuckerberg, you just don’t get it, I can’t look at them right now.”
Sounds pretty great, right? Unfortunately, there’s a catch. This development is only at its testing stage for US mobile users, so the relationship had to have been FB official before the feature can be applied. Oh gosh, who has heard of someone’s relationship being sanctified by the grace of Facebook post the tenth grade?
For the sake of journalism (a BlogDH way of saying “an excuse for all of our dumb antics”), we knew what we had to do. Two random bloggers would have to throw it back to their early teens, enter a fake relationship on Facebook, publicly break up, and then explore this feature in first person, on their phones.
Let’s be honest: everyone secretly (or not so secretly) dreams that sometime before they graduate, they’ll have at least one Brown Bears Admirers post written about them. And not one of those fake, submitted-by-a-friend-who-thinks-they’re-being-hilarious type of posts. A real, legitimate post by a secret admirer. Who wouldn’t want to know that someone out there is hopelessly pining for them?
Within the Admirers page, however, there are many different types of posts, ranging from full-blown love letters to a lighthearted nod to that cute guy in your math class. Here are six different types of posts you might see on Brown Bears Admirers:
1. The actual crush
The writers of these posts are the real MVPs. They’re willing to put it all out there, letting their crushes know there’s someone who’s really interested in them. These posts are rare, but when they do appear, they’re truly a sight to behold. Likely featuring phrases like “meant for each other” and “a real connection from the moment we met,” these will probably make you roll your eyes, but you’ll still feel that pang of jealousy deep down in your eternally single heart.
Don’t let those crushes stay secret forever!
2. The “I don’t know you, but you’re super hot”
Much more common than posts that praise people for their wonderful souls and strength of character, these are about what’s on the outside. Sometimes you just have to let a person know when they’ve got it goin’ on. These posts can vary from sweet and kind (“you are unspeakably beautiful”) to, let’s just say more crudely put (“literally fuck me”).
2014 was an exciting time for anyone who had a penchant for clever wordplay, and too much time on their hands. Jews of Brown, Shoes of Brown. Brown Hook-ups, Brown Cookups. Baes of Brown, and then Neighs of Brown. (That one may have been a bit of a stretch.) Have you picked up on the trend? Things that rhyme are hilarious! Comedy, like, in one sentence!!
UnFortunately, it’s a new year, and it’s time to move on to fresh, surely less creative trolls. Some of these Facebook pages have already buckled under the pressure of maintenance, but we wanted to personally nip this in the bud.
From the people that arguably have the most verbal flair, and certainly have the most time to waste, here is an exhaustive list of things that rhyme with Brown Facebook pages.
Jews/Shoes of Brown
Blues of Brown – A page advertising various blues bands and/or Blue Man group wannabes.
Coups of Brown – A platform for those seeking tips in staging a hostile takeover, or who want to discuss their previous results at attempting to overthrow their superiors.
News of Brown – Potential rebranding for the Brown Daily Herald?
Ewes and Gnus of Brown – celebrating the wildlife of Providence.
Brown Obsessions: An online community dedicated to celebrating Beyonce, the word “heteronormative,” and free condoms.
Brown Transgressions: Basically, the same exact thing as the Confessions page.
Brown Impressions: For people who appreciate the soul/R&B group from 1960s. No relation to the ability to impersonate another person’s voice.
7:30 p.m. Such a good level of silence here! I can eat chips without dirty looks (unlike some places) but also no loud talking.
7:35 p.m. Desktop computers are so beautiful. Look at this screen! I’ve pulled up my assignment sheet, a clean word document to type my essay in, and there is even extra space for quick internet time. These computers are just so fancy and cool. Remember that interview with that writer I read where he/she was like, oh, I can only write my novels on my desktop? If I had my own personal desktop I could write a novel, too. But right now I’m going to do this essay.
7:45 p.m. White spaces are so intimidating.
8:02 p.m. [After spinning in chair a bit.] Why a painting of peppers, though?
You caught me; I am 100% guilty of obsessing about my Facebook profile picture to a point that it might be unhealthy. I had my last prof pic for a little over a year because I couldn’t find something to top it, but then I did, and now I’m happy. Leave me be, I’m a millennial, just living my truth!
While contemplating new options, I compiled some of the most popular profile picture options to date:
1. I LOVE BROWN!
You on the Main Green, Faunce gleaming behind you. You next to/climbing Bruno. You in front of the Van Wickle Gates. You at Spring Weekend. You with a University administrator (I miss you, Ruth). You want to show the world how much you love your school, and with good reason. Brown’s a pretty awesome place and is pretty damn photogenic (especially in the fall).
Definitely blurry and definitely dark. Lights streak across your picture. It’s all a little pixelated. There are way too many people in the photo. Your tongue is sticking out, and you’re standing with a red solo cup in hand. You’re in a basement of sorts, and there are dark rings of sweat on your clothing. Oh, so sexy.
This is college, right? Can’t stop, won’t stop.
3. Studying Abroad
What beautiful sites there are outside of Brown! You can’t wait to show off your new life as a worldly traveler at Oktoberfest, on a Scottish hillside, or right out side of Big Ben. What?! You’re learning to make real pasta in Florence, Italy?! Definitely profile picture material.
Either you were adorably cute or adorably ugly as a child. No matter what, it’s endearing to see a younger version of yourself or to breathe a sigh of relief that time did you well. These are even better if you can find old Polaroids. Oh, to be so lucky and hip!
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