Tell Us Your Summer Internship and We’ll Tell You what Office Character You Are

Goldman Sachs/Anything financial

Ryan Howard

This person is a snek, the snekiest snek that ever did snek. Seriously though, they are driven and hardworking and maybe a little morally challenged, but nothing will stand in their way to financial domination and a cushy job at Goldman Sachs.

Art Museum

Pam Greely

The three words you could use to describe them are kind, and passionate, and definitely not a snake (ok maybe not three words). They care about the finer things in life, such as art, and definitely have the patience for repetitive and dull tasks like finding a child who has gotten lost for the third time in ten minutes. You are secretly jealous of their ability to find fulfillment in anything after spring semester.

Family Business

Dwight Schrute

Some call them “privileged,” but they prefer “family-oriented.” While whatever they’re doing may range from rustic (family farm) to highly suspect (definitely mafia), they commit to it fully, because family comes first to them. They’ll often talk about fun memories they had working for their family when they were younger (and maybe omit some key details about concrete boots).

Hollywood

Kelly Kapoor

The most dramatique person you’ve ever met, this total diva is  going to enjoy their time in sunny Los Angeles with the stars while you sob gently to yourself at your poor luck. You’re not sure how they managed it, but with a mixture of swagger and connections, they got an internship in Hollywood. Everything they do, they do with style

Summer Camp Counselor

Jim Halpert

Both fun-loving and caring, this person is gonna chill out and take care of a bunch of kids and engage in shenanigans all summer. Ever the reluctantly-nurturing soul, they’ve definitely carried you back to your dorm from Jo’s at 2 a.m. after one too many Screwdrivers. This summer, they’ll have the full experience — from a summer romance to pulling elaborate pranks on other cabins — and have a blast the entire time. They’ll come back with amazing stories of all the stuff they did, but they’re so genuine that you won’t feel bitter that your internship made you cry on a regular basis.

Menial unpaid internship

Andy Bernard

This person thought that going to an Ivy League school would automatically help them get a great internship; they were wrong. They’re going to spend their summer in an office that is either too hot or too cold around coworkers who will ask them about their “Ivy League Education.” They often brag about going to Brown around you, and you’re definitely sick of their shit.

No internship, no plans

Stanley Hudson

This person needs their summer to recover from the trauma that is the school year. You might call them apathetic, but they just believe in self-care. They might pick up the odd summer job, but nothing too high commitment, because they’re already broken inside.

Winner of BlogDailyHerald’s Acceptance Story Contest: Alexander Tin

We at BlogDailyHerald asked accepted students to send us their best #BrownAcceptanceStories. Alexander Tin wowed us with this heart-warming story:

 

The pact was my idea. The terms were simple: no matter what happened with respect to college decisions that week, my friends and I were not to tell each other the outcomes until our regularly scheduled Board Game Night on Friday when we were no longer preoccupied with the stress of the school week. It was ironic, then, that on Wednesday, March 28th at 8:47 PM, I found myself sending a message to the group chat breaking this very pact: “I’m going to Brown.”

I hadn’t originally intended to break the pact, even after finding out I was accepted – I was actually doing really well right up until I got home and realized I had no one to celebrate with. Funny enough, I even had the opportunity to tell my two closest friends when I riskily opened the Brown portal on my phone to check my admissions decision while sitting right next to them. Grace, Juliana, and I were seated in the back row of our high school’s auditorium, waiting for the 7 P.M. Chamber Music Concert to begin, and I couldn’t have been more grateful for the darkness in the theater that obscured my face from my best friends. I’m quite certain I flushed bright pink when I logged into my account and saw the header image with the posters saying “Welcome to Brown” and “Brown ❤ You!” but I somehow managed to keep my composure for the remainder of the concert and reception, even with Grace’s mother periodically making faces at me from across the aisle. I felt oddly at peace being the only one who knew.

Clambering into the passenger’s seat of my father’s car after the concert, I still hadn’t completely processed the information, and I certainly wasn’t ready to answer questions. When I told my father that I’d been accepted to Brown, he was even more excited than I was– I guess it just hadn’t quite sunk in for me yet. My father must have seen this, and he let me be for the rest of the car ride. With my father driving, I finally had the opportunity to read the letter in full– I’d barely made it past “Congratulations” when I opened it the first time – and I nonchalantly clicked the link to view my financial aid. When I first saw the number, it was so high that I mistook it for the total cost. But  after incredulously scanning the page a few times, I realized it was the exact opposite: I had received the listed amount in scholarship aid. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I recalled a publication I had read about this year being the first class receiving the Brown Promise. Brown was already one of my top choice schools, but this financial aid meant that it would also be the most affordable option for my father and me by a longshot. Shaken and elated, it was in this moment that I realized I really was going to Brown.

My friends had to be the first to know, of course. As soon as I got home, I messaged them asking for permission to break the pact –  if I really was committing, I couldn’t not tell them. I thought of Grace, my best friend, who had been accepted via Early Decision to RISD, and how this was exactly what we had naïvely (albeit somewhat jokingly) dreamt of as early as our freshman year of high school – she would go to RISD, I would go to Brown, and we would rent a cute little apartment together on College Hill and adopt a bunny named Fluffernutter and live happily ever after. Except now it might actually be more than just a silly daydream. It hit me all at once. We were going to be going to college together in the fall, and she absolutely had to know. Emotional, I sent one more message to the group.

Suddenly, my phone began to vibrate; Juliana was calling me. Unsuspecting, I answered only to hear excited yet unintelligible yelling from my friend, but then followed by words so surreal I almost didn’t believe them at first: “I’m going to Brown too!”

My two best friends and I would be going to college together. The emotions I was experiencing at this point cannot be properly explained by words. All the good memories we’d made together recently flashed through my mind – taking silly reference pictures for Grace’s art, fooling around in an elementary school playground, roaming around the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston, playing together in the school band – and I thought about how many more memories we would now be able to make in the next four years, and I couldn’t contain myself. Though our call lasted only 54 seconds, I felt like I had spent ages on the phone with Juliana. I couldn’t tell you a single word I said in that blur of a minute.

When the call was over, I was so filled with euphoria that I couldn’t stand still. Overjoyed, I half-ran, half-danced around my house until I had calmed down enough to call my sisters and some other friends. The excitement, I must say, has yet to die down completely. I’ll remember this night for the rest of my life, and I can’t explain how much it means to me or how excited I am that I was given the opportunity to attend Brown University in the fall with both of my best friends close by. And I would certainly break several pacts for that.

 

Kids You’ll Meet in Your FYS

The Show-Off

Went to a private school like Phillips Exeter and won’t stop talking about it and their own supposed intelligence. Drops words like postmodernism willy-nilly just to grind  your gears. Definitely annoys the professor by being incredibly sycophantic yet supremely condescending at the same time. Hearing them talk makes you visibly wince, and they will often include some personal anecdote that’s meant to make them seem sophisticated but just makes you realize how much of a tool they are.

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I Knit Blueno’s Scarf: the inside story

One June evening two summers ago, my friend Baxter was walking me home when asked me, “Have you seen the teddy bear?” I hadn’t yet seen recently-installed the “Untitled Lamp/Bear” sculpture, and we took a detour through Ruth B. Simmons quad to take a look at it. The sculpture that would later be affectionately referred to as ‘Blueno’ was already attracting the attention of the students on campus that summer. Whether they adored or despised it, people were making their opinions known regarding the aesthetic merit of the art piece.

Later that summer, I traveled to Paris and Ireland with my dear friend and fairy godmother, Ann Hood. She was promoting her most recent novel, ‘The Book That Matters Most,’ which featured a character who was a yarn-bomber. This was my first introduction to the practice of yarn-bombing, a form of non-permanent graffiti that covers structures with knitted material, with the intention of personalizing sterile or cold public spaces. While researching the colorful history of guerilla knitting, I learned this artistic vandalism has covered objects ranging from the Wall Street Bull, to telephone boxes in London. Street art and graffiti are typically male-dominated practices, but yarn bombing takes a more playful and feminine approach to reclaiming public spaces. It became my mission to create a knitted accessory for Blueno that would enable the Brown community to warm to this sculpture, which seemed to have been artificially imposed on our campus. Continue Reading


The People You Will Meet @Spring Weekend

The Girl Who Thinks This Is Coachella

We all know this girl. She has on a very cute outfit. A patterned romper, maybe, or a bra reimagined as a crop top. Her makeup is on fleek, and her winged eyeliner almost hides the fact that her eyes are those of a dead person. She is on Molly that her BFF shipped her from San Diego, and she is absolutely vibing to the music, dancing to the wrong beat. Her friends have lost her, and she is making out with one of her boyfriends. Once her friends find her, they will probably try to take her home, but she will resist and run away from them. After scarfing down pizza at 5pm and falling asleep with all of her makeup on, she will not make it to the afterparty that night.

The Babysitter

A friend of The Girl Who Thinks This Is Coachella, this girl is pissed. She has taken two shots before she entered the Main Green, and she is already sobering up. You will find this girl standing on the peripheries of the crowd, profusely texting her group chat or yelling at someone on the phone. She refuses to skip the bathroom line and has been waiting in it for twenty minutes while attempting to stabilize her drunk friend. She is having SO.MUCH.FUN.—she promises.

The Dude Who Hates This Scene And Is Only Here To Appreciate The Music

This dude knew Whitney before they were relevant, and will tell this to anyone who will listen. He is interchangeably ripping his dab and vape pens and is clearly chill as fuck. He can’t wait to go home after this to play the guitar, write shitty poetry, and cry.

The Frat Boy(s)

They will be traveling in a pack, wearing khaki shorts. They will say they fucking love DRAM but have yet to realize that DRAM has sung songs other than “Broccoli.” Otherwise, they are pretty confused about the lineup this year. Why couldn’t we have gotten Migos, dude?

The Gross Couple

This couple thinks Whitney’s music is so romantic. “Dave’s Song” just completely encapsulates their feelings for each other and they will therefore be making out throughout the entirety of the concert and will have a quiet night in while their friends are at the club. Wait, is he straight up grabbing her ass right now? I can’t.

The People Who Definitely Just Met But Are Grosser Than The Gross Couple

Like, I get that the middle of a crowd is the most romantic place to examine the inside of each others mouths, but can we try to keep it PG over here?

The Injured Bitch

This bitch got her foot run over by the Uber she took over from Pembroke and will show everyone her disgusting bruise and cuts because #attention. She will later ask a random boy to put her on his shoulders. He will proceed to drop her on the ground, giving her a concussion. She will spend the second day of Spring Weekend in Health Services.

Your Mean Friend On Coke

This girl yelled at a cop and almost got her entire squad kicked out of the concert. She is bitching at her friends, one of whom is crying. After about an hour, she will make her friends leave early because the comedown is freaking her out. When she gets home, she will punch a wall, cry, fix her makeup, and get ready to go out again for the night.

The Angry Security Guard

After nearly kicking out Your Mean Friend On Coke, The Angry Security Guard has decided that he fucking hates teenagers and is considering dropping everything and moving to Peru. Tragically, he will end his day with throw up on his shoes.

The Dude Who Is Overly Committed To Spring Weekend

This kid buried a bottle of vodka on the Main Green last week and is currently trying to dig it up. He made sure to get his Molly tested weeks ago and has listened to no other music than that of the Spring Weekend acts all month.

What in Tarnation!: a look ahead at weird courses for fall 2018

Defense Against the Dark Arts in the Ancient World

Not only did Emma Watson go here, but we literally have a class called Defense Against the Dark Arts. It’s pretty obvious that Brown is the site of a massive underground conspiracy to hide a wizard college in plain sight. I mean, look at this lineup for the spring semester.

I get it, we go to the Muggle part of Hogwarts, it’s fine, I’m not still seething from never getting my letter when I was little.

 

Of Dice and Men

For all those people looking for a fun class, you’ve found it. It does, however, make one wonder at how professors and departments decide courses.

Professor Walsh: Hey, how do you think I could get the department to pay for a bunch of board games?

Chair: If you teach a class on it, you could always make a request as long as it’s not too…

Dr. Walsh: ON IT!!

This sounds like the perfect class for board game enthusiasts and people who need a bit of a break.

 

Life in a Shell

For all those sophomores looking for a fun STEM class to supplement their schedule (@orgo people please be ok) or just people with a predilection towards turtles, this is the class for you. The Critical Review estimates that for the low price of around 3 hours a week, you too can learn all about turtles. With luck, you’ll be able to identify Mitch McConnell’s species at the end!

 

Introduction to Sleep

This is class that everyone at Brown should definitely at least shop or think about shopping to better acquaint themselves with the whole sleep schedule thing–especially considering its 2.8 hour weekly workload. This class will certainly help students maintain some semblance of order in their sleep schedule.

Freshman First Semester Me: Well of course I’ll keep up a good sleep schedule! I’m very responsible!

Grizzled Second-Semester Me, @ 2:34 am, working on problem set: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

 

Before Wikipedia

Ah Wikipedia, the only reason I’ve ever semi-successfully written an essay. If you want to learn more about how people did homework before the internet, this is the way (although it should honestly be tagged under archeology).

 

The Jazz of Modern Physics

You heard it right the first time. The Jazz of Physics. Not the Physics of Jazz. If you want to get roasted every second of every day by physics majors, take this course as you learn how physics is jazz?

I certainly hope you do.