The Ultimate Finals Playlist

It’s that time of the year again (nope, not the holidays). You can just smell it in the air! The tensions, the nostalgia, the last minute crams. Here’s a new playlist to sum up what remains of the year, with a few minor tweaks to the lyrics you know and love (although considering my musical tastes: lyrics your dad knows and really wishes you’d love).

 

Post-Thanksgiving: You just got the small break you desperately needed, and oh look! you’ve returned with a sliver of hope. Little did you know how quickly the finals f**kfest begins.

The New Day (Greta Van Fleet):

♪Let the new day (ONLY UNTIL 4PM OF COURSE) shine its light on me
Shake the old way, nights too dark to see
Free tomorrow, it’s bright with something new
Believe the righteous, and it will come true ♪

 

Last Week of Class: “Wow, how the hell is the semester already over? I swear I was just about to go to the prof’s office hours for the first time yesterday, and form a meaningful connection for that recommendation letter I need”

“I wonder if she still remembers me from that one time we talked about climate feedbacks”

Time is fleeting friends.

 

Good Times Bad Times (Led Zeppelin):

♪In the days of my youth
I was told what it was to be a man
Now I’ve reached the age
I’ve tried to do all those things the best I can
No matter how I try
I find my way to do the same old jam
Good times, bad times
You know I had my share
When my soul left home
For a midterm so bad
Well, I still don’t seem to care ♪

Live the best S/NC life people!

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10 Reasons Why It’s Totally OK That You’re Procrastinating Right Now

  1. You deserve this.

  2. You’ve been working really hard lately! Like, super hard!

  3. Winter break is only like two weeks away — it’s not like any decision you make at this point could actually affect your grades that badly.

  4. It’s only a couple of minutes… or hours… or days…

  5. Even though society wants you to forget it, you are a person before you are a student.

  6. If you think about it, you probably don’t need all that time to do your work anyway. Doing it all right now and finishing early would just mean that you’ll have free time later when everyone else is working. So if you procrastinate now, you’re really just pacing yourself so that you’re not left to have fun by yourself when everyone else is studying. If you don’t really think about, it makes a whole lot of sense.

  7. Think about all the Facebook holiday baking videos you’d be missing if you were working right now. It’s practically criminal.

  8. Spending time with your friends before you have to abandon them for a month is equally, if not more, important to the work you think you should be doing.

  9. As Maya Angelou (who is like, super smart) once said, “Every person needs to take one day away.”

  10.  I mean, at the end of the day, you’re going to do what you have to do. Who are you kidding? You’re a perfectionist that took 34 AP classes in high school. It’s not as if your academic conscience, which has equated academic success with self-worth for the last fifteen years, would let you not turn in your 15-page international relations paper. So even if you do end up writing all of it in the final 12 hours, you’re going to do it — ergo, you might as well surf Facebook for now. Yay!


Tell Us Your Finals Studying Habits and We’ll Give You a Holiday Rom-Com to Watch

Love is in the air!


Hometown Thanksgiving: Turkey with a Side of Discourse

“If Pop-Pop says something racist at Thanksgiving dinner, oh boy, am I going to tell him off!” said Kendall Wilfred, a Brown freshman who, at press time, had said absolutely nothing to Grandpa Joe.

Primed with his newfound knowledge of words like “heteronormative” and “nuanced,” Kendall, in early November, reported that he was confident in his ability to even further alienate his conservative family at their singular, annual gathering. Kendall even expressed a hard-line stance on “problematic” statements, reiterating that not even close friends from his rural, small-town Southern high school would be granted passes.

Correspondents reported, however, that all evidence of Kendall’s previously unshakable moral convictions had mysteriously disappeared once his plane landed in his hometown, which overwhelmingly voted for Trump in the 2018 midterms (write-ins). We’re told that Kendall was witnessed sighing deeply, but not vocalizing, when his old classmates expressed their relief that Brett Kavanaugh was confirmed. Incendiary statements such as “Sure, we can’t know what happened, but the important thing is a Republican majority on the court,” were overlooked by Kendall, who noted that his classmate was making good use of his state’s open-carry gun policy. When confronted in the local supermarket with “I don’t mind immigrants, but it’s the illegals that need to be simultaneously waterboarded, separated from their children, and held in the basement of an abandoned windmill for the rest of time,” Kendall meekly suggested that his childhood best friend read a recent Vox article on the issue. It’s worth noting that Kendall did express regret that he didn’t bring his projector, which made a thorough PowerPoint presentation on the topic impossible.

Even more shocking than Kendall’s interactions with his classmates — people that he considers further removed from his social network than literal strangers — are the conversations that he partook in during Thanksgiving. During dinner, Kendall used phrases such as “intersectionality,” “cissexism,” and “binary determinism” twenty-four times less than he was known to while at Brown University. Usually a prolific advocate and known to express his opinions in any situation where everyone would undoubtedly agree with him, Kendall exhibited surprising timidity in the presence of his family members, whose elderly authority had been ingrained into his impressionable psyche for the past twenty years straight. We’re told that Mitch McConnell’s work in the senate was lauded extensively at some point during the third course, and though Kendall attempted to make a statement, he ultimately decided to simply continue eating Grandma Pearl’s famous mashed potatoes.  

At press time, Kendall was still debating whether Pop-Pop’s comment about “those homosexuals” was worth an argument that would likely give the family patriarch a prolonged heart attack. In the end, Kendall decided against a confrontation that might have actually benefited the political development of younger members at the table, choosing instead to live tweet the experience @unapologeticallyopinionated.


Top 10 Scooby Doo Movies

Fred. Daphne. Velma. Shaggy. Scooby. Now, though, it’s time to add a sixth member to the Mystery Gang – Yes, I, Blog’s Pop Culture Guru, will be embarking on a mystery of my own today.

 

For thousands of years, people have wondered what the ten best animated Scooby-Doo movies of all-time are. Now, I attempt to uncover the answer to that elusive question. Enjoy:

10) Scooby-Doo and the Monster of Mexico (2003)

This movie is a depressing tale of love and loss blanketed by a fun story about the Mystery Gang’s attempt to rescue a Mexican town from El Chupacabra. A local hotel-owner helping the gang solve the mystery is engaged to an American woman named Charlene. For her part, Charlene was working with her real true love — some random guy named Smiley. She then tells her fiancée, “I never loved you, you pee brain!” That’s pretty goddamn dark. To make matters worse, Smiley turns out to be a colonialist who wishes “everyone could learn English.” Basically the whole movie is problematic.

Cringy Quote: “I love these Loco customs! ‘Loco’ – that’s crazy in Mexican. I mean Spanish”. – Charlene   

9) Scooby-Doo! Pirates Ahoy! (2006)

Scooby-Doo often finds success when it devolves into complete chaos. In this one, a half-baked plan from a hypnotist named Mr. Mysterio and an eccentric billionaire named Biff Wellington achieves just that. Essentially, there were some Ghost Pirates led by Captain Skunkbeard who wanted to find this giant orb called the “Heavenly Light,” because it could turn back time or something. God knows why they wanted to “unlock the depths of time,” but I’ll accept it. Some genuinely exciting action sequences, though, coupled with an appearance from Fred’s overbearing parents, makes this a serviceable Scooby-Doo experience.

Best Exchange: “Will you assist me in a journey to the depths and edges of your unconscious mind?” – Mr. Mysterio

“No thank you.” – Scooby

8) Scooby-Doo and the Loch Ness Monster (2004)

Bear with me here. According to the always reliable internet, the Mystery Machine weighs approximately 2.6 tons. When Fred accidentally drives it off a cliff and into the ocean (*sigh*), though, he, Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby are somehow able to push it all the way back up with their sheer physical strength. Let’s do some math here. Fred, who often boasts that he can bench-press 220, probably clocks in at around 200 pounds or so (all muscle); Velma is likely no more than 100 pounds; Shaggy eats far too much, but has a wicked fast metabolism, so let’s call him 140; male Great Danes like Scooby top out at around 160 pounds. At most, then, these four individuals weigh a combined 600 pounds. I could do some calculus here, but I think it’s pretty obvious that there is no way in hell the Mystery Machine could have been pushed back up the cliff, and it really should have rolled back over and severely injured all of them. This oversight by the filmmakers angered me. Otherwise, this is a really enjoyable movie, and it was pretty amusing to find out that Daphne’s family owns a castle that was once home to her alleged Scottish ancestors.

Out of Context Quote: “Oh, no! I just got this baby hot-waxed!” – Fred

7) Aloha, Scooby-Doo! (2005)

This is a fun move with a really well-conceived villain, but that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to discuss the film’s perception of hang-gliding. So, Fred, a man who has never hang-glided in his life, rents himself a hang-glider, and sneaks away to a giant cliff without any instructor present. He claims he never got to the part in the instruction manual about learning how to land, yet somehow escapes without injury. From this point on, Fred seems to be able to freely rent out the hang-gliding equipment whenever the hell he wants — an experience that, in Hawaii, costs $325 an hour. He spends the rest of the movie randomly hang-gliding without any regard for what the group actually needs. Other than that nonsense, the awesome surfing scenes and Auntie Mahini’s hilarious lack of hospitality gives this movie a solid ranking.

Most Brutal Call-Out: “Danger is my middle name.” – Fred

                               “I thought it was Herman.” – Velma

6) Scooby-Doo and the Ghoul School (1988)

This one includes only two members of the Mystery Gang (plus Scrappy-Doo), as Shaggy and Scooby are hired to work as gym teachers for an all-girls’ school. Details remain hazy on how they got this gig. Their main objective is to help the daughters of famous monsters beat their foes at Calloway Military Academy in volleyball. This match is played out in excruciating detail, as nearly every single shot in the match to 21 is shown on our screens. But in the more exciting portion of the movie, the motley crew of Revolta, the Grim Creeper, and the Well-Dweller kidnap the girls in an attempt to “Revoltize” them, which, in layman’s terms, means to turn them evil forever. Overall “Fang-tastic!”

Cringy Quote: “Like I’m ready to get to this fancy girl’s school and try some of their fancy cooking.” – Shaggy  

5) Scooby-Doo and the Witch’s Ghost (1999)

This one begins when Ben Ravencroft, horror novelist and the best supporting character in Scooby Doo history (just barely beating out Paco the Talking Eagle), invites the Mystery Gang up to his old hometown to help him find a way to clear his ancestor’s name. Little do they know, though, that Ravencroft is actually an evil mastermind seeking an ancient journal that will allow him — if my calculations are correct — to control both nature and the world. This movie also gives us not one, but two performances from the legendary Hex Girls — future staples of the Scooby-Doo world. Their song, “Earth, Wind, Fire, and Air”, is a bit odd I will admit, but damn, you can tell the band is having a lot of fun up there on stage.

Quote That’s Now in Multiple Commercials, But Apparently Originated with This Movie: “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” – Velma

4) Scooby-Doo and the Alien Invaders (2000)

It’s always striking when you remember that the Mystery Gang members are all supposedly teenagers. My moment of remembrance while creating this list came when a creepy old man named Lester somehow coerces the gang to stay at his place for the night. Sure, he’s hospitable, but everything about it seemed very illegal. This movie stands out, though, because of the romantic subplot between Shaggy and Crystal — someone who is somehow turned on by the fact that Shaggy eats dog food. Crystal of course turns out to be an alien, but it was nice to see Shaggy in love for a bit. I especially enjoyed his original song and subsequent music video called “Groovy”.

Sketchy Quote: “Did they experiment on ya? *wink*” – Lester

3) Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island (1998)

This one begins with the Mystery Gang split up; Daphne and Fred are busy producing a hit ghost-hunting series, Velma works at a bookstore, and Shaggy and Scooby somehow got jobs as TSA Agents. This pointless estrangement is quickly rectified in a swift four minutes of screen time, and the real movie kicks into gear. Taking place in the depths of Louisiana, the Mystery Gang is invited to visit a real haunted house. Here, they encounter zombies, large cat-people, and a detective who, for reasons still unknown to me, is working undercover as a gardener. This is by far the scariest installment on the list, earning it a spot in the top 3.

Classic Arrogant Fred Quote: “Yeah, yeah, I don’t buy it. We’ve been levitated before, and there’s always a magnet or wire somewhere.” – Fred

2) Scooby-Doo and the Legend of the Vampire (2003)

As this movie was winding down, I was mentally preparing myself to give this one a comfortable ranking somewhere around the 4-5 range. Then, everything changed. The Mystery Gang got to perform as the closing act at a music festival, and this was —I kid you not — one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen. I need to do some more research into who did the vocal work for Velma, but all I know for sure is that my jaw was completely dropped the entire time she was singing. Wow. Past that, we get a reunion with the illustrious Hex Girls, some hilarious plans by Fred, and an appearance from the iconic band Two Skinny Dudes. With a larger than life monster and a couple incredible chase sequences, this one is truly incredible.

Dumbest Hex Girls Song Lyric: “We do voodoo. Who do voodoo? We do.” – Hex Girls

1) Scooby-Doo and the Cyber Chase (2001)

There are so many little moments in Cyber Chase that ask for a suspension of disbelief: the specificities of the virus, the slow-moving lava, and the fact that a college campus security guard has the power to arrest people. But hey, I am willing to look past these aspects, and simply enjoy the best Scooby-Doo movie ever made. The highlights: the gladiator scene, Scooby and Shaggy’s sensual French fry eating, and, of course, Professor Kaufman and his crazy hair. Most importantly, though, if you did not cry when the Mystery Gang has to say goodbye to the past versions of themselves, you have no heart.

Iconic Quote: “Jaguaro?!? I thought he was in Brazil!” – Velma


When MyPrint Calls You Out

I do not care for the new printing system, not one little bit.

Back in my day, you would upload your documents, they would be uploaded (or not, depending on your luck that day), and you’d be on your merry way. This new printing system… it mocks me with its colorful infographics and self-assured demeanor. “You’ve killed .6% of a tree, how does it feel to be a murderer?” it whispers as I struggle to print off my lab manual. “You’ve emitted 431 g of CO2  this month… I take it you’re not a believer in the Paris Agreement?” it taunts, impervious to my tears. So now, on top of how distraught I am to be doing work in the first place AND in addition to the pain of realizing I’ve started printing a color document on a black and white printer, I have to weep for f@cking mother nature.

I hate to break it to whoever made the new printing system, but the number of pages I print pains me just as much as it pains the environment. Do you think I want to be spending my Tuesday night reading and annotating the 300 pages of post-colonial underwater basket weaving history my professor assigned? Do you somehow imagine that I was happy to put off my 20-page term paper, write it all between the hours of 1 and 8 am, scramble to the SciLi at 8:59 am, and then sprint to my 9 a.m. to turn it in — the page still piping hot in my hand? NO.

Look, I’m not saying that I expect to have the extreme luxury of never feeling guilty. I expect to feel guilty when I make eye contact with the professor of my five-person seminar while waiting in line at the Blue Room—knowing full and well I skipped class that day. I expect to feel guilty when my roommate walks in on me watching Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, eating olives with my fingers, and giggling uncontrollably at Guy Fieri’s entire personhood. And sure, I even expect to feel a pang of guilt when I’m reprimanded for showing up to Thanksgiving dinner in (only) nipple pasties and fishnets. You know when I don’t expect to feel guilty? When I’m trying to print a paper that was assigned to me — a cosmic act completely out of my control.

If Brown wants to tangibly reduce its carbon footprint, it has to go straight to the top. Not to the Brown corporation itself, not to wildly unregulated megacompanies, not to the elected representatives that refuse to change harmful environmental policy — no — Brown must go to the absolute zenith of power. To the professors.

I promise you, if you tell my professor to stop assigning so many papers, everything will be solved! If I wasn’t printing 16 pages a semester for AMST 1900, I assure you that global warming would be fully reversed by 2020. And don’t even get me started on the two pages I print out every semester for (insert STEM class name). Abolishing readings, papers, and lab manuals is the only logical step forward, and if nothing else, I’m glad that the new printing system has paved the way for us, as a University, to come to this revelation.