Top 10 Scooby Doo Movies

Fred. Daphne. Velma. Shaggy. Scooby. Now, though, it’s time to add a sixth member to the Mystery Gang – Yes, I, Blog’s Pop Culture Guru, will be embarking on a mystery of my own today.

 

For thousands of years, people have wondered what the ten best animated Scooby-Doo movies of all-time are. Now, I attempt to uncover the answer to that elusive question. Enjoy:

10) Scooby-Doo and the Monster of Mexico (2003)

This movie is a depressing tale of love and loss blanketed by a fun story about the Mystery Gang’s attempt to rescue a Mexican town from El Chupacabra. A local hotel-owner helping the gang solve the mystery is engaged to an American woman named Charlene. For her part, Charlene was working with her real true love — some random guy named Smiley. She then tells her fiancée, “I never loved you, you pee brain!” That’s pretty goddamn dark. To make matters worse, Smiley turns out to be a colonialist who wishes “everyone could learn English.” Basically the whole movie is problematic.

Cringy Quote: “I love these Loco customs! ‘Loco’ – that’s crazy in Mexican. I mean Spanish”. – Charlene   

9) Scooby-Doo! Pirates Ahoy! (2006)

Scooby-Doo often finds success when it devolves into complete chaos. In this one, a half-baked plan from a hypnotist named Mr. Mysterio and an eccentric billionaire named Biff Wellington achieves just that. Essentially, there were some Ghost Pirates led by Captain Skunkbeard who wanted to find this giant orb called the “Heavenly Light,” because it could turn back time or something. God knows why they wanted to “unlock the depths of time,” but I’ll accept it. Some genuinely exciting action sequences, though, coupled with an appearance from Fred’s overbearing parents, makes this a serviceable Scooby-Doo experience.

Best Exchange: “Will you assist me in a journey to the depths and edges of your unconscious mind?” – Mr. Mysterio

“No thank you.” – Scooby

8) Scooby-Doo and the Loch Ness Monster (2004)

Bear with me here. According to the always reliable internet, the Mystery Machine weighs approximately 2.6 tons. When Fred accidentally drives it off a cliff and into the ocean (*sigh*), though, he, Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby are somehow able to push it all the way back up with their sheer physical strength. Let’s do some math here. Fred, who often boasts that he can bench-press 220, probably clocks in at around 200 pounds or so (all muscle); Velma is likely no more than 100 pounds; Shaggy eats far too much, but has a wicked fast metabolism, so let’s call him 140; male Great Danes like Scooby top out at around 160 pounds. At most, then, these four individuals weigh a combined 600 pounds. I could do some calculus here, but I think it’s pretty obvious that there is no way in hell the Mystery Machine could have been pushed back up the cliff, and it really should have rolled back over and severely injured all of them. This oversight by the filmmakers angered me. Otherwise, this is a really enjoyable movie, and it was pretty amusing to find out that Daphne’s family owns a castle that was once home to her alleged Scottish ancestors.

Out of Context Quote: “Oh, no! I just got this baby hot-waxed!” – Fred

7) Aloha, Scooby-Doo! (2005)

This is a fun move with a really well-conceived villain, but that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to discuss the film’s perception of hang-gliding. So, Fred, a man who has never hang-glided in his life, rents himself a hang-glider, and sneaks away to a giant cliff without any instructor present. He claims he never got to the part in the instruction manual about learning how to land, yet somehow escapes without injury. From this point on, Fred seems to be able to freely rent out the hang-gliding equipment whenever the hell he wants — an experience that, in Hawaii, costs $325 an hour. He spends the rest of the movie randomly hang-gliding without any regard for what the group actually needs. Other than that nonsense, the awesome surfing scenes and Auntie Mahini’s hilarious lack of hospitality gives this movie a solid ranking.

Most Brutal Call-Out: “Danger is my middle name.” – Fred

                               “I thought it was Herman.” – Velma

6) Scooby-Doo and the Ghoul School (1988)

This one includes only two members of the Mystery Gang (plus Scrappy-Doo), as Shaggy and Scooby are hired to work as gym teachers for an all-girls’ school. Details remain hazy on how they got this gig. Their main objective is to help the daughters of famous monsters beat their foes at Calloway Military Academy in volleyball. This match is played out in excruciating detail, as nearly every single shot in the match to 21 is shown on our screens. But in the more exciting portion of the movie, the motley crew of Revolta, the Grim Creeper, and the Well-Dweller kidnap the girls in an attempt to “Revoltize” them, which, in layman’s terms, means to turn them evil forever. Overall “Fang-tastic!”

Cringy Quote: “Like I’m ready to get to this fancy girl’s school and try some of their fancy cooking.” – Shaggy  

5) Scooby-Doo and the Witch’s Ghost (1999)

This one begins when Ben Ravencroft, horror novelist and the best supporting character in Scooby Doo history (just barely beating out Paco the Talking Eagle), invites the Mystery Gang up to his old hometown to help him find a way to clear his ancestor’s name. Little do they know, though, that Ravencroft is actually an evil mastermind seeking an ancient journal that will allow him — if my calculations are correct — to control both nature and the world. This movie also gives us not one, but two performances from the legendary Hex Girls — future staples of the Scooby-Doo world. Their song, “Earth, Wind, Fire, and Air”, is a bit odd I will admit, but damn, you can tell the band is having a lot of fun up there on stage.

Quote That’s Now in Multiple Commercials, But Apparently Originated with This Movie: “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” – Velma

4) Scooby-Doo and the Alien Invaders (2000)

It’s always striking when you remember that the Mystery Gang members are all supposedly teenagers. My moment of remembrance while creating this list came when a creepy old man named Lester somehow coerces the gang to stay at his place for the night. Sure, he’s hospitable, but everything about it seemed very illegal. This movie stands out, though, because of the romantic subplot between Shaggy and Crystal — someone who is somehow turned on by the fact that Shaggy eats dog food. Crystal of course turns out to be an alien, but it was nice to see Shaggy in love for a bit. I especially enjoyed his original song and subsequent music video called “Groovy”.

Sketchy Quote: “Did they experiment on ya? *wink*” – Lester

3) Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island (1998)

This one begins with the Mystery Gang split up; Daphne and Fred are busy producing a hit ghost-hunting series, Velma works at a bookstore, and Shaggy and Scooby somehow got jobs as TSA Agents. This pointless estrangement is quickly rectified in a swift four minutes of screen time, and the real movie kicks into gear. Taking place in the depths of Louisiana, the Mystery Gang is invited to visit a real haunted house. Here, they encounter zombies, large cat-people, and a detective who, for reasons still unknown to me, is working undercover as a gardener. This is by far the scariest installment on the list, earning it a spot in the top 3.

Classic Arrogant Fred Quote: “Yeah, yeah, I don’t buy it. We’ve been levitated before, and there’s always a magnet or wire somewhere.” – Fred

2) Scooby-Doo and the Legend of the Vampire (2003)

As this movie was winding down, I was mentally preparing myself to give this one a comfortable ranking somewhere around the 4-5 range. Then, everything changed. The Mystery Gang got to perform as the closing act at a music festival, and this was —I kid you not — one of the greatest things I’ve ever seen. I need to do some more research into who did the vocal work for Velma, but all I know for sure is that my jaw was completely dropped the entire time she was singing. Wow. Past that, we get a reunion with the illustrious Hex Girls, some hilarious plans by Fred, and an appearance from the iconic band Two Skinny Dudes. With a larger than life monster and a couple incredible chase sequences, this one is truly incredible.

Dumbest Hex Girls Song Lyric: “We do voodoo. Who do voodoo? We do.” – Hex Girls

1) Scooby-Doo and the Cyber Chase (2001)

There are so many little moments in Cyber Chase that ask for a suspension of disbelief: the specificities of the virus, the slow-moving lava, and the fact that a college campus security guard has the power to arrest people. But hey, I am willing to look past these aspects, and simply enjoy the best Scooby-Doo movie ever made. The highlights: the gladiator scene, Scooby and Shaggy’s sensual French fry eating, and, of course, Professor Kaufman and his crazy hair. Most importantly, though, if you did not cry when the Mystery Gang has to say goodbye to the past versions of themselves, you have no heart.

Iconic Quote: “Jaguaro?!? I thought he was in Brazil!” – Velma


When MyPrint Calls You Out

I do not care for the new printing system, not one little bit.

Back in my day, you would upload your documents, they would be uploaded (or not, depending on your luck that day), and you’d be on your merry way. This new printing system… it mocks me with its colorful infographics and self-assured demeanor. “You’ve killed .6% of a tree, how does it feel to be a murderer?” it whispers as I struggle to print off my lab manual. “You’ve emitted 431 g of CO2  this month… I take it you’re not a believer in the Paris Agreement?” it taunts, impervious to my tears. So now, on top of how distraught I am to be doing work in the first place AND in addition to the pain of realizing I’ve started printing a color document on a black and white printer, I have to weep for f@cking mother nature.

I hate to break it to whoever made the new printing system, but the number of pages I print pains me just as much as it pains the environment. Do you think I want to be spending my Tuesday night reading and annotating the 300 pages of post-colonial underwater basket weaving history my professor assigned? Do you somehow imagine that I was happy to put off my 20-page term paper, write it all between the hours of 1 and 8 am, scramble to the SciLi at 8:59 am, and then sprint to my 9 a.m. to turn it in — the page still piping hot in my hand? NO.

Look, I’m not saying that I expect to have the extreme luxury of never feeling guilty. I expect to feel guilty when I make eye contact with the professor of my five-person seminar while waiting in line at the Blue Room—knowing full and well I skipped class that day. I expect to feel guilty when my roommate walks in on me watching Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives, eating olives with my fingers, and giggling uncontrollably at Guy Fieri’s entire personhood. And sure, I even expect to feel a pang of guilt when I’m reprimanded for showing up to Thanksgiving dinner in (only) nipple pasties and fishnets. You know when I don’t expect to feel guilty? When I’m trying to print a paper that was assigned to me — a cosmic act completely out of my control.

If Brown wants to tangibly reduce its carbon footprint, it has to go straight to the top. Not to the Brown corporation itself, not to wildly unregulated megacompanies, not to the elected representatives that refuse to change harmful environmental policy — no — Brown must go to the absolute zenith of power. To the professors.

I promise you, if you tell my professor to stop assigning so many papers, everything will be solved! If I wasn’t printing 16 pages a semester for AMST 1900, I assure you that global warming would be fully reversed by 2020. And don’t even get me started on the two pages I print out every semester for (insert STEM class name). Abolishing readings, papers, and lab manuals is the only logical step forward, and if nothing else, I’m glad that the new printing system has paved the way for us, as a University, to come to this revelation.


Reasons You Should Vote

In case you somehow live under a rock (and if you do, trust me, I approve! It’s safer there.), you should know that Midterms are on the way! Wait, before you yell at us for inducing yet another panic attack, we mean the 2018 Midterm elections are on Tuesday, November 6th. In case you’re not already psyched to perform your civic duty, here are a few reasons you should vote (and info on how to):

1. You Might Meet your soulmate while in the line:

Tired of meaningless interactions with people on shady dating apps like Tinder, Bumble or even Datamatch? Does your lack of success during cuffing season have you down? The line to your polling place might be that one place where you might meet your soulmate. What are the odds of that? Idk, I can’t math, but are you really willing to risk it?

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WHY THE F@CK IS IT COLD AND SUNNY

I understand that the title may have betrayed a few aspects of my identity— yes, I’m from Florida; yes, I was born in California; yes, I’m obnoxious. But I resent that Providence’s temperature has been turned into a disgusting display of identity politics. I’m tired of my Northern brethren sneering at my plight— only after I tell them from where I hail. Northern or southern, rural Montana mountaineer or Bay area bro— are we not all human? Do we not all bleed red when cut? Do we not all have functioning nervous systems capable of recognizing how cruel the Providence wind can be?

Look, don’t get the wrong idea. I’m not one of those southerners, I did my research. I didn’t show up to Brown with a single pair of sandals in hand and a few pastel colored shorts, naively expecting the Northeast to cater to me. No, I perused Winter Coat Weekly for months before deciding on my perfect synthetic feather-filled friend. I weathered the jeers of my friends as I asked them innocent questions like “Why can’t I just wear my jean jacket?” I did my due diligence, all in the efforts to keep myself toasty in the icy winter months.

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How to Cuff the Hottie You Keep Seeing Around Campus

Look, I get it.

You’re hopelessly, irrevocably in love. Okay, sure, you’ve never actually spoken to them ─ that’s only a minor issue. After all, you’ve certainly seen them enough times to recognize the back of their head at a dimly-lit party, which is its own form of intimacy. At the end of the day, you know that your vibes align, you just need to figure out how to make the first move, and I’m here to help.

 

  1.       Do not, under any circumstances, try to speak to them.

At first glance, talking to the object of your affection might seem like a great idea. A simple self-introduction, a fact that relates the two of you (“Haven’t I seen you in my Beyonce: Herstory seminar?”), and a charming smile ─ what could go wrong? Everything. Everything could go wrong. Speaking to people needlessly puts you in a position of vulnerability. Opening yourself up to human connection at the risk of getting hurt? No, thank you. Instead, try silently staring at them from across the party. They’ll be sure to notice you, and they might even mention you to their friends!

 

  1.       Write a BBA about them.

Ah yes, the much more approachable relative of talking to your crush ─ writing them anonymous love letters. Though BBA (Brown Bears Admirers) has been defunct for a few months, rest easy knowing that BBA (Blueno Bears Admirers) provides a haven for all to deluge their lovestruck secrets. Though the seismic rebranding of BBA to BBA has caused a few followers to be lost in the process, some Brunonian is sure to tag your sweet. You can spend the rest of your day knowing that you’ve uplifted them and proceed to do absolutely nothing more. After all, you wrote the BBA. They should sense who you are and ask you on a date, not the other way around.

 

  1.       Make note of the places they frequent, and make sure that you’re there. Always.

Running into people is much less coincidental then you might have been led to believe. When it comes to your future spouse, it doesn’t make much sense to leave something so important up to cosmic luck. So, take your future into your own hands. Make a mental note of where you see them, whether that be local cafes, eateries, or libraries. Take a week of your time to really get acquainted with your lover’s second homes, spending at least seven hours in each place. The more time you spend sitting and waiting, the higher your chances of making awkward eye contact with your sweetheart when they come in. Scientific studies have shown that familiarity leads to love, so just make sure that you’re always within eyesight. They’ll have to say something at some point, even if they’re just asking to take the chair across from you.  

 

  1.       Tell all your friends about them in the hope that someone sets you two up.

Let’s be honest, “They were wearing a green sweater on Friday” is probably not a good enough description for your friends to immediately recognize your crush. However, nearly everyone is a Facebook Sherlock these days. I’m sure with a little determination and a hearty helping of elbow grease, your compatriots can make it happen. After all, what are best friends, casual friends, and distant acquaintances for? With Brown’s tight-knit and — at times — too small community, someone is sure to be able to link up the two of you. After that, it’s smooth sailing as your friend will no doubt arrange an elaborate blind date for the two of you.

 

  1.       Be yourself, if that’s what they’re into.

Imagine this ─ it’s a beautiful, crisp autumn day and you’ve done the unthinkable, you’ve introduced yourself to someone who was once just a beautiful stranger. Huzzah! You’ve thrown the hook, but how do you reel them in? The question might seem daunting, but the answer is simple: just be yourself, as long as they’re into that. You’re more than welcome to have your own hobbies, passions…  and interests on your own time, but if they’re not what your darling is interested in ─ drop your convictions immediately. A careful perusal of their Facebook and Instagram is sure to tell you what shows you should like, what foods you should be obsessed with, and the friend group that you should assimilate into. After initially drawing them in with your commonalities, you might even be able to slip in some of your real interests ─ just make sure not to do it too quickly.

 


BBA: Behind Blueno’s Admins, EXCLUSIVE Interview

       This Sunday, I had the distinct honor of interviewing some of Brown’s most renowned: the Moderators of the Blueno Bears Admirers page. To maintain their anonymity, their names will not be mentioned during the course of the interview transcript. They will be referred to as Moderators 1 and 2 (numbers assigned by alphabetical order.)

This interview has been edited for clarity.

 

Why keep your identities a secret?

Moderator 2: To maintain the mystique of Blueno. We didn’t invent Blueno, and it’s not our symbol to define; we want people to have their own ideas of what Blueno means to them. It’s also easier to pour your heart out to a lovable, loving teddy bear instead of being self-conscious about the admins who run the page. And it’s harder to send us personalized hate mail when you don’t know who we are.

Moderator 1: On BBA, every post is anonymous, so to keep in style, we should be anonymous, too. We want to be cognizant that people of different backgrounds and identities can project themselves onto Blueno, and we don’t want to stand in front of that. We don’t want the dynamic to be swayed or changed by their perception of the people fronting everything, so we think we’ll stay behind the bear for now.

 

What made you decide to start Blueno?

Moderator 1: Because we’re a bunch of narcissists! Just kidding, there are other reasons, too. Our predecessor Brown Bears Admirers was like a little bit of magic on campus. It made people really happy. It was an important part of campus culture. There’s definitely still a need for that kind of a platform on campus. I had never received a BBA post about me, and I really wanted one, so I was like, hey guys, let’s make a platform for this.

Moderator 2: I really missed BBA after it disappeared in August. I find other online communities at Brown so interesting. They don’t just exist in isolation; people talk about them, and they shape the discourse on campus. They’re just Facebook pages, sure, but they can also legitimately affect people’s lives in a very tangible way. And of course, they’re always making people’s days a little brighter.

 

How did you start Blueno, and what was the process like?

Moderator 1: We’d been toying with the idea for a while. When Brown Bears Admirers disappeared, everyone on campus was like, “Where’d they go?” Including me. I wanted admiration posts. So, I started prototyping how people would submit things, the moderation process, all that. I ended up following the same tried-and-true Brown Bears Admirers model, primarily built on Google Forms, with a bunch of extra formulas and automation built into Google Sheets. I finished developing it around August, and our first post was on September 9 by (Moderator 2).

Moderator 2: I thought that was you!?

Moderator 1: No, I’m sure it was you.

Moderator 2: I remember the Blueno the Bear page already existed for years; you (Moderator 1) reached out to whoever ran it.

Moderator 1: Yeah, it was owned by a Brown student who graduated a few years ago. I decided to build the secret admirers page from the perspective of Blueno because I thought it would be cool. The Brown alum was down. I pulled the original BBA icon into Illustrator and Photoshop to make it look like Blueno, sort of a visual parody of the original, to communicate that we’re building from the original spirit of BBA.

 

What about the name?

Moderator 2: The page was initially just Blueno the Bear. But people referred to it as BBA, because it was easier and people knew that it meant the admirers page. So we changed the name to Blueno Bears Admirers.

 

What are some issues you face as moderators? What do you do with  controversial content? Do you ever receive any?

Moderator 1: We get controversial content every day. We have like hundreds, thousands of submissions, but we read and discuss every single one amongst the board of 8 undergraduate students. We spend so much time discussing and editorializing what we should post, and what we shouldn’t. The group chat is always rife with debate. Is this post being sex positive, or is it making an individual uncomfortable? Is this post celebrating an identity, or demeaning it?

Moderator 2: The point is, there’s a ton of social factors in play with everything we post—how does this post affect members of the community? If we censor it, how does that affect people with this identity?

Moderator 1: There’s this fascinating phenomenon where people dissociated from their own names and responsibilities suddenly talk about ethical matters they wouldn’t say out loud. For example, we had that recent controversy with TAs and RPLs “admiring” their students. A lot of people presume that it’s completely acceptable to be attracted to their students and post about it. This is ethically wrong, a potential abuse of power dynamics, and not to mention it directly violates Title IX. We instituted a rule against RPLs and TAs posting about their students in a sexual or romantic way since it was making people—myself especially—feel uncomfortable and unsafe. We got a really surprising amount of backlash for instituting that rule.

Moderator 2: We have some other rules that we’ve developed over time, for example, that it’s not okay to out people’s sexuality or gender without their explicit consent. We have a group chat where we check in five, ten times a day. So, yeah, we sometimes approve discourse-centric posts if they could lead to genuine productive conversations. We don’t want to silence discourse. The primary goal is to be a supportive, positive community. In terms of the discourse we choose to approve, there are a lot of negative outlooks. Sometimes we comment on posts right after we publish them, to directly respond to the post, set guidelines for the future, or to point toward helpful resources.

 

What do you do if you find a submission is addressed to you?

Moderator 1: I think I react the same way anyone else would. You feel warm and fuzzy, you smile a lot to yourself, then you message your friends, “Did you see this?” and “Who did this?” The only difference between my reaction and yours is that I then perform the narcissistic act of copying and pasting the post onto the page for all to see. Then there’s also the attacks. We censor attacks on other people, we don’t want people to feel hurt from this page. But some posts target us. We’re the only ones who have to see any hateful posts, but that’s sort of a negativity we set ourselves up for.

 

What are some perks of being a BBA moderator?

Moderator 2: Getting to see all the piping hot tea on campus first!

Moderator 1: You know how you open Facebook, and check if BBA updated? We open up a Google Sheet and see posts the second people click Submit. (To Moderator 2) Should I show her?

Moderator 2: Yeah, I think it’d be cool.

(Here, Moderator 1 demonstrated by posting a pending submission. The intake form was meticulously organised and color-coded.)

Moderator 1: We’re absolutely up to date with the drama on campus. I get to promote the voices of underrepresented identities on campus, especially narratives around LGBTQ people, people of colour – discourse people might shy away from if their names were attached to them.

 

When we messaged the original BBA, they said they’re “in transition.” Are they your competition? If so, what will you do when/if they resurface?

Moderator 1: It would be great if they came back. If people wanted to migrate back to them, that’s great! We can’t change that. I’d probably go back to using them. As long as there’s a social platform for positive, anonymous voices on campus, moderated in a socially responsible way, I’m happy. Until then, we’re going to keep having fun.

Moderator 2: We messaged them during the summer and asked if they wanted any help. They said they were “in transition and working on it”. They put out one round of posts in August, then nothing. Then we started Blueno to fill the void and we’ve been able to be much more active. So I’m not holding my breath.

 

What are Blueno’s opinions about Rodent versus Ratty?

Moderator 1: Blueno prefers The Ratty, but he forgives anyone who calls it the “Rodent” if—

Moderator 2: If they leave him a present in mailbox number **** (Moderator 2’s mailbox number censored for anonymity)

 

Does Blueno have any admirers? Who would he admire if he could?

Moderator 1: Everyone knows Blueno has a crush on the Nelson bear. Who doesn’t. He’s buff as hell.

Moderator 2: How could he not? There’s also a torrid past between Blueno and the rock tree, but why bring up history?

Moderator 1: And Marcus Aurelius on equestrian has been eyeing Blueno for quite some time, but who knows when he’ll make a move.

 

What does Blueno mean to you?

Moderator 2: Well, there was initially a lot of controversy about the statue, his funding.  And obviously, lots of schools have a bear as their mascot. But Blueno is his own thing, his own icon, he’s not just a generic teddy bear. Blueno is unique to Brown, Blueno is blue—

Moderator 1: Blueno is blue? Hot-take.

Moderator 2: Thank you. He’s quirky, a little weird, but we still love him. That says a lot about the Brown community. He’s gonna leave eventually,  and I’m sad about that. But Blueno’s legacy at Brown will be here a long time even after he’s gone – ideally, with Blueno Bears Admirers sticking around as long as people want it. Blueno sort of gives us a new life, especially if you consider student activities in his hollow interior.

Moderator 1: If BBA was responsible for your relationship, you’re welcome. If you get married to someone you found on BBA, you are contractually obliged to fly us out to your wedding. (Reporter’s note: The Blog was unable to verify this claim.)

Moderator 2: I think it’s fun how different Blueno is from the statue – he doesn’t stand for the same ideals, and he’s a fun piece of campus culture.

Moderator 1: It’s very representative of our generation, that we’re able to make light of and personify big, unchangeable things. He’s become a part of campus culture. We’ve had some amazing artwork come in from illustrators on College Hill; we had one for National Coming Out Day and one for Halloween—shoutout to Felix Summ and Julia Chu! The world seems really bleak right now, and I think we need more fun, happy things on campus. Untitled Lamp/Bear is going away in a few years, but we’re all creating Blueno, and there’s some permanence in that.