Hometown Thanksgiving: Turkey with a Side of Discourse

“If Pop-Pop says something racist at Thanksgiving dinner, oh boy, am I going to tell him off!” said Kendall Wilfred, a Brown freshman who, at press time, had said absolutely nothing to Grandpa Joe.

Primed with his newfound knowledge of words like “heteronormative” and “nuanced,” Kendall, in early November, reported that he was confident in his ability to even further alienate his conservative family at their singular, annual gathering. Kendall even expressed a hard-line stance on “problematic” statements, reiterating that not even close friends from his rural, small-town Southern high school would be granted passes.

Correspondents reported, however, that all evidence of Kendall’s previously unshakable moral convictions had mysteriously disappeared once his plane landed in his hometown, which overwhelmingly voted for Trump in the 2018 midterms (write-ins). We’re told that Kendall was witnessed sighing deeply, but not vocalizing, when his old classmates expressed their relief that Brett Kavanaugh was confirmed. Incendiary statements such as “Sure, we can’t know what happened, but the important thing is a Republican majority on the court,” were overlooked by Kendall, who noted that his classmate was making good use of his state’s open-carry gun policy. When confronted in the local supermarket with “I don’t mind immigrants, but it’s the illegals that need to be simultaneously waterboarded, separated from their children, and held in the basement of an abandoned windmill for the rest of time,” Kendall meekly suggested that his childhood best friend read a recent Vox article on the issue. It’s worth noting that Kendall did express regret that he didn’t bring his projector, which made a thorough PowerPoint presentation on the topic impossible.

Even more shocking than Kendall’s interactions with his classmates — people that he considers further removed from his social network than literal strangers — are the conversations that he partook in during Thanksgiving. During dinner, Kendall used phrases such as “intersectionality,” “cissexism,” and “binary determinism” twenty-four times less than he was known to while at Brown University. Usually a prolific advocate and known to express his opinions in any situation where everyone would undoubtedly agree with him, Kendall exhibited surprising timidity in the presence of his family members, whose elderly authority had been ingrained into his impressionable psyche for the past twenty years straight. We’re told that Mitch McConnell’s work in the senate was lauded extensively at some point during the third course, and though Kendall attempted to make a statement, he ultimately decided to simply continue eating Grandma Pearl’s famous mashed potatoes.  

At press time, Kendall was still debating whether Pop-Pop’s comment about “those homosexuals” was worth an argument that would likely give the family patriarch a prolonged heart attack. In the end, Kendall decided against a confrontation that might have actually benefited the political development of younger members at the table, choosing instead to live tweet the experience @unapologeticallyopinionated.


What Your Hell-Week Says About Which Starbucks Drink You Should Get


Baja’s vs. Baja’s

At Brown, not liking Baja’s is unheard of. The menu covers everything from TexMex (obviously) to hotdogs (um, not so obvious). Although I stick to quesadillas, many of my friends have daringly- and often drunkenly- tested their fries, hotdogs, burgers, and Philly cheesesteaks. All of their responses have been a similarly appreciative “Mmmm” while they stuff their faces.

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Donut get a food tattoo

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Posted on the “Brown University Class of 2018” page. No one reached out to me.

Last year, my dad and I got our first tattoos together — a matching sun. Less than a year later, my dad turned that into a sleeve and I ended up with two more tattoos. We decided it was time for another father-daughter tat. This time, we got matching donut tattoos!

Yes, matching donut tattoos. Continue Reading


Sign up for Spring Market Shares!

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Eating healthy in college can be hard. There are only so many times you can pick through the salad bar in the Ratty or slurp a smoothie in Poppy’s (have we determined if this exists yet?) without wanting to just give up and grab a spicy with. Luckily, there is a solution to be found. If you missed the sign up for Brown Market Shares Program (BMSP) in 2015, there is another opportunity to join this semester.

Market Shares is an initiative that connects Brown students and faculty with weekly shares of local and sustainably-grown produce. In addition to yummy fruits and vegetables, there are also eggs, dairy, meat, and bread from producers and farmers across Rhode Island. Sample shares this spring might include sweet potatoes, butternut squash, kale, and carrots.

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Rethinking the myths of college weight gain

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The myth that college causes extra weight gain becomes especially prominent during finals period. Students munching on junk food is a common sight during finals, from those Lays from the SciLi vending machine to the Cheez-Its from CVS or the Reese’s back from Halloween.

Such snacks are not as wholesome as a plate of celery and carrots, but studies show that eating junk food isn’t actually the main factor in gaining extra pounds. A recent study targeting college students found that a poor sleep schedule factors more heavily in weight gain.

It’s not that less sleep causes weight gain: it’s that less sleep causes more sweet cravings. When you’re not fully rested, your body naturally seeks for a quick energy source. Sugar provides that short-term, immediate energy, and your body wants that extra kick to get the day going. The journal Sleep followed students into their adult years and found each later hour of bedtime in school resulted in an approximate two-point increase in body mass index. Continue Reading