Brown’s football team suffered a demoralizing defeat to Harvard during last week’s Homecoming game. Though the loss did little to dampen the Homecoming festivities, we’d still really like to see our team kick the crap out of Harvard next year. Here I offer some general tips and a few specific plays to help Brown vanquish their foes from Cambridge next year.
Use Horses: Harvard kept tackling the Brown players and taking the ball away from them. Mounting Brown’s offensive linemen on draft horses would make it much harder for Harvard to do this. And good luck catching wide receiver Troy Doles once he gets going on his Thoroughbred.
Leave at least two receivers in both end zones at all times: This way, they don’t have to spend as much time running back and forth. Also, giving them baseball mitts or industrial-sized fishing nets could make it easier to catch the ball.
Put more players on the field: There were like at least 100 players on the sidelines. What are they waiting for?!? I bet it would be a lot harder for Harvard to get the ball if that many Brown players were on the field.
Bribe the referees: This one’s pretty self-explanatory.