How to Beat Harvard: Tips for next year’s Homecoming game

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There is no way we’re gonna beat Harvard without horses.

Brown’s football team suffered a demoralizing defeat to Harvard during last week’s Homecoming game. Though the loss did little to dampen the Homecoming festivities, we’d still really like to see our team kick the crap out of Harvard next year. Here I offer some general tips and a few specific plays to help Brown vanquish their foes from Cambridge next year.

General Tips

Use Horses: Harvard kept tackling the Brown players and taking the ball away from them. Mounting Brown’s offensive linemen on draft horses would make it much harder for Harvard to do this. And good luck catching wide receiver Troy Doles once he gets going on his Thoroughbred.

Leave at least two receivers in both end zones at all times: This way, they don’t have to spend as much time running back and forth. Also, giving them baseball mitts or industrial-sized fishing nets could make it easier to catch the ball.

Put more players on the field: There were like at least 100 players on the sidelines. What are they waiting for?!? I bet it would be a lot harder for Harvard to get the ball if that many Brown players were on the field.

Bribe the referees: This one’s pretty self-explanatory.

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Imagine 250+: Homecoming, a beginner’s reflections

Okay guys, here we go. Game day. Day of the BIG GAME. Brown versus Harvard, alright alright alright. Boy, I am amped to be the official reporter for this homecoming game. I truly feel as if the stakes could not be any higher, and I mean that sincerely. Full disclosure, I am unfamiliar with the rules of football, but I will not let that stop my hard-hitting play by play! I promise (maybe) that I won’t get bored twenty minutes into the first half.

Above: Football I understand

Above: The kind of football I understand

First thing to note about this game – there are lots of drunk people here. Also lots of penny loafers and blazers, which I think is weird, but to each his own. Who am I to judge? I am not judgmental. I’m bitter I don’t have a Brown State shirt I’m not sure how I feel about the Brown State shirts. Anyway, some people are actually painted with our school colors. That’s pride! Especially since our school colors tend to fall distinctly into the poop-brown and blood-red camps, covering your body in such is a true sign of loyalty.

Anyway, the game. Right – the game!  Brown actually has the ball right now, which I was lead to believe is rare, but I think we’ve had it for a while. At least a down or two. It’s really nice we get to keep the ball even if we drop it! Must be a football thing. Oh, we dropped it, and now Harvard took it. Can they do that? That feels like stealing.

Update: I asked the gentlemen next to me if stealing the ball is a foul and it is not. Nice guy. I’ll befriend him as the game goes on. The Brown band is KILLING it right now. Very into it. Whoever says a tuba restricts movement is very wrong.

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Imagine 250+: Ra Ra Brunonia: Brown Stadium

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Today, students and alumni alike will make the seemingly transcontinental trek up Elmgrove Avenue — clearly a made up place — to watch our beloved Brown Bears take on the Harvard Winklevi in a rousing match of hand-egg (see below and take note).

At the tailgates, middle-aged men (and women! and phes!), sipping on their b-o-u-r-b-o-n, will be far drunker than is socially acceptable, and undergrads will leave behind an aluminum mess to rival that of the People’s Climate March. At game time, however, they will all pile into what is probably only the second biggest pure concrete structure on campus to watch some good ole’ fashioned American Football.

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But what about that large-ish — seriously, the Scili puts everything in perspective — concrete structure we’re standing in during our beat-down of the Excellent Sheep from Cambridge? Brown Stadium, which no alum has paid to name after him/herself (yet), has an impressive history to it.

According to Encyclopedia Brunoniana, the stadium opened in its current location in 1925 and can actually fit up to 27,646 people. We were so excited about our new digs that in the stadium’s opening year, we decided everyone would have to come to us to play. We’re not lazy; we promise!

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Not a football fan? There’s always Puppy Bowl X

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Happy Super Bowl Sunday! It’s your natural right to watch football, drink beer, and eat snacks today, because sports. But what if that football involved the snuggliest little puppy babies in lieu of the rough-and-tumble nature of professional football? Totally kosher.

Enter Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl X: it’s like Heavy Petting, but with “football.” In its tenth year, the Puppy Bowl is the greatest alternative to American football—instead of 300-hundred pound linebackers, the most adorable rescue pups frolic compete on a football field. This game has the same characteristics as a typical football game, but with an adorable twist: puppy penalties, touchdowns, a lot of fumbles (it’s a lot harder when you don’t have opposable thumbs), and the Bissel Kitten Halftime Show, at which an actual kitten will be “performing.”

Tune into Animal Planet at 3 p.m. (or live-stream it here) for your yearly dosage of cute—if you’re a doglover (guilty), or if you’re a Pats fan and just really hate Peyton Manning (also guilty), you can find comfort in these puppies duking it out and leaving nothing on the field (…we hope). Find some of the puppies competing in today’s contest after the jump.  Continue Reading


Football: A primer

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The first Super Bowl — although, not the first NFL Championship — to be hosted in the Northeast has finally arrived. Although many people are watching it for the legendary commercials (as well as for the excuse it provides for your usual Sunday binge drinking), there will be a football game featured as well. For those of you who have never seized the opportunity to watch the other great American pastime, now is your chance! Football may come off as barbaric to an outsider, but to understand the basics of football is to see it for the beautiful and highly strategic sport that it is. Also, as a rule, if you’re going to spend 4 hours watching something, you should probably understand what’s going on. Here are the basics:

Four 15 minute quarters, 22 players on the field at a time (11 for each team), and a very important ball that is shaped like Hey Arnold’s head.

When the game begins, the offensive team is tasked first with moving the ball into their opponent’s end zone. The other team, playing defense, wants to prevent the offense from moving the ball down the field until their turn is up. If possible, the defense will also try to intercept the ball, thus reclaiming it and becoming the offense.

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Sixth Man: Fall sports update

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November might mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people, but I think we can all agree that it mostly screams out, “Fall sports Ivy championship hunt crunch time!!!!” Am I right or what? While you kick back and pat yourself on the back for getting through those midterms mostly alive, athletic Brunonians are out fighting for those elusive Ivy League titles. Let’s see how they’re doing.

[Update: Football, men's soccer, and volleyball were all eliminated from championship contention over the weekend.]

FootballWhile Sunday NFL Countdown host Chris Berman ’77 may have predicted big things, football’s Ivy chances took a big hit when it opened its conference schedule with decisive losses to Harvard and Princeton. Wins over Cornell and, this past weekend, Ivy-leading Penn have snuck Brown kind of back into the picture, but da Bears still need to win out against Yale, Dartmouth, and Columbia, then hope Princeton, Penn, and Harvard choke real hard. Championship chances: 5%

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