Jesse Watters, a producer creepy, ambushing, stalker lunatic at The O’Reilly Factor decided to take another trip up to beautiful Providence, Rhode Island to further his mission to prove that all Brown students are radical sex freaks hell-bent on ruining Christmas for “real” Americans. As some of you may remember, this is the same guy that crashed SPG in 2005. This time, however, Watters and Bill O’Reilly have their sights trained on heretical un-believer pagans that infest College Hill. O’Reilly even jokes that “the admissions policy at Brown” asks “do you believe in Christmas?” and doesn’t let you in if you check “yes.”

This isn’t a story. Five days ago when it came out, this wasn’t a story. This has never been a story, regardless of how loudly O’Reilly has decided to scream at people that it is. He also said Jon Stewart is clearly going to hell. Whatever.

But the real reason we’re mad, Jesse Watters, has very little to do with trees, regardless of what you want to call them. [Read more →]

If you’re agonizing over the prospect of planning a fun-filled Columbus Day Fall Weekend, you should consider ditching the pumpkin patch or the apple orchard and head to the other side of the pond.

According to a recent Fox News article, there’s never been a better time to spontaneously pick up and go to Europe. After years of planning, developing, and building in anticipation of the London 2012 Olympic Games, the entire continent is now feeling the effects of the Olympic comedown after the masses of humanity have returned to their respective countries. You don’t need to have taken ECON0110 (or Logic, for that matter) to know that thousands of empty hotel rooms = low demand, and low demand = cheap prices. You do the rest (hint: use the transitive property).

[Read more →]

As certain people have so politely put it, true red-blooded Americans are under attack, with thousands of us dying every day.  Of course, by “us” I mean “our delicate Christmas spirits.” Yes, I’m talking about the recent smear campaign, launched by Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee ’75 P’14, against the glowing spruce spreading its rearview-mirror-air-freshener scent all around our local State House rotunda. As reported by every news outlet west of the Holy Land, Gov. Chafee recently had the satanic audacity to call our Jesus Juniper a “Holiday Tree.”  Really, Chafee?  You thought your crucifix-rubbing constituents wouldn’t notice?

Well…okay, I didn’t notice.  But guess who did?  Jon Stewart.  The Pundit Prince himself took to the airwaves and gave all the crusading berserkers at Faux News a piece of his mind.  I won’t spoil the historical revelations for you, but let’s just say that the Pilgrims and the Founding Fuckin’ Fathers themselves all showed up to support Chafee.

So I guess the godforsaken gubernatorials got the upper hand this time. And that scares me. What’s next?  Islamic icicles?  Wiccan wreaths? On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen!  On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and…BUDDHIST?  How am I supposed to explain that to my five-year-old son? Chafee, you’re what Alfred was talking about. You just want to watch Christmas burn.

It all evens out in the end, though, because despite Chafee pushing the Arboreal Antichrist on us, Sean Hannity still looks like the cigar-smoking bastard child of Newt Gingrich, Jay Leno, and a teddy bear.  (And on that note, I summon Rule 34.  You’re welcome.)

You can watch the clip here and the full episode here.