Today in news you didn’t know could make news: Nutella theft at Columbia University has reached catastrophic highs. Since Nutella became a regular amenity in Ferris Booth Commons (like the Sharpe Refectory, but with more affectation), Dining Services weekly costs have supposedly jumped up by thousands of dollars. Yes, the simple and addictive chocolate-hazelnut spread was disappearing at a rate of about 100 pounds per week (i.e. the amount of weight one could feasibly put on by downing tubs of Nutella regularly). The New York Times claims that these numbers are up for debate, but maintains that students fear that their spread hoarding will limit future improvements in dining services. Colleges have a tendency to make the trivial monumental within the microcosm of campus news, but now the Times has been sucked into a story that has essentially zero connection to Columbia’s Morningside Heights neighborhood, let alone the NY metropolitan area. I guess the relevance is that this whole ordeal makes a good case for Nutella’s drug-like qualities. Nevertheless, I believe this kind of gluttonous thievery would never occur at Brown — could you imagine the look on Gail’s face? Of course you can (see far right).

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Should I barrel ahead to the Bistro or take my chances on Roots and Shoots? Should I save room for dessert? To POG or not to POG? These are important questions that credit-packing Brown students ponder every day. We try to manage the overwhelming Ratty experience by formulating a plan of attack; any experienced diner will have his/her route mapped before he/she is ushered with a “Hiiiiiiiii” into the rabbit hole. But despite our best efforts, these plans rarely go off without a hitch. There is always some unknown quantity that trips us up as we strive for that unattainable dream: the perfectly efficient Ratty experience.

Today at BlogDH, we are proud to bring you one step closer to the green light. Your days of searching and waiting in line for the one semi-functional lukewarm water dispenser are over. Under the Hi-C label on two of the Ratty’s drink fountains is a small lever that releases gloriously frigid water when pressed. The concept isn’t foreign, but even the most experienced Brown diners seem to ignore our fountains’ inconspicuous godsend. Apparently, some privy BDS employees are offended by its underuse, because they’ve been showing students the way of the tab more and more recently. One employee even told us that the water in there is even better-filtered than the tepid stuff of its dysfunctional counterpart. If the tab wasn’t a game changer already, he closed the case. Keep fighting the good fight, Brown diners.

Sir Kensington's Gourmet Ketchup is the Ratty's newest addition.

The Daily Meal, an online food and drink blog, recently re-ranked the country’s “Top 20 universities“ based exclusively on the quality of their dining services. Even though the writers praised Brown’s ability to cater to vegetarian and kosher eaters, we still came in close to last out of the 20 schools, with our ranking at #18.

The number one school on the list, Washington University in St. Louis, might offer a kitchen space where students can learn to make sushi, but I doubt its dining halls can get fratty like the Ratty. And, as if the Ratty didn’t have enough surprises over the weekend, today it introduced Sir Kensington’s Gourmet Scooping Ketchup — a brand created by two Brown alums.

We might only be #18 on the Daily Meal list, but at least we have alternative ketchup, Gail, and as of tomorrow, Mama Kim’s at the Blue Room.

I never thought I’d end up as one of them. The Bag People. They stuff apples into their bags, hoard take-out boxes and run past Gail with distinctly shifty demeanors. I mean, sometimes I dress like a bag lady, but I don’t actually want to be one.

That all changed one fine day in the Ratty. I saw one of my best friends frantically spooning tomato sauce into a water bottle in the Tastes of the World section (which, in Ratty-speak, signifies a loose interpretation of Italian food).  Oh god, she’s finally lost it, I thought. We all saw this one coming.

But no. She was using it for pizza sauce. Free pizza sauce. FREE!  My dignity surrendered to my inner cheapskate, and with my friend’s Obi-Wan-like guidance, I have become a well-seasoned Ratty kleptomaniac. And if you want to be further enlightened, I offer you helpful vegan nuggets of Ratty wisdom after the jump, inspired by very my own Ratty kleptomania.

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#thatawkwardmoment when Kim says, “I love you” to Kris Humphries and Kris Jenner responds, “I love you too!” #ambiguities

We knew it would never last. News broke yesterday that Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from husband Kris Humphries 72 days after the two were married. The ceremony took place on August 20th of this year, cost $10 million dollars and, like all things Kardashian, it was featured as an E! Special. The fact that Kim’s mom’s name is also Kris sure must have made things confusing; just imagine the scene in which the Kardashian Klan is sitting around the dinner table and Khloe asks Kris to pass her the peas. Hmmm, ambiguous and awkward.

Clearly, a 72-day marriage is a very brief one. The hashtag “#ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage“  has been trending on Twitter since the news broke yesterday. At BlogDailyHerald, we understand that 72 days seems like a nominal indicator here at Brown—days blend together, days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and, before we know it, the semester is more than halfway over (sorry to scare y’all, just speaking the gospel truth). To help you get a sense of the length of Kim and Kris’ marriage, we’re defining #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage in terms of time at Brown to give you:

#ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage: Brown Edition

• #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage: The line to get into Whisco this past Sunday night.
• #ThingsLongerThanKimsMarriage: Gail’s “hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii” upon entry into the Ratty.  [Read more →]