Ah, reading week. The insanity. The madness. The caffeine. The weird study tricks. The blending of academics and pop culture. Surely you all memorized “We Didn’t Start the Fire” for your American history exam. (No? Really?)

There are many a shortcut for English literature … She’s All That, as a stand in for Pygmalion; She’s the Man for Twelfth Night; 10 Things I Hate About You is modeled after Taming of the Shrew; Clueless epitomizes Emma; and the list goes on and on.

But for those of you struggling with that final Shakespeare paper, here’s a helpful modernization, fit just for the Brown student.

Out of Second City in Chicago comes Sassy Gay Friend. He tells Juliet like it is, that she’s 14 and an idiot.

He dishes it to Ophelia too, warning her about Hamlet’s ‘tude.

The lesson learned? Maybe the ladies of Brown are better off than Shakespeare’s girls. We got the best advice on our sides. Now go write your paper.

An interesting debate has reached the Supreme Court questioning the legality of one California law school’s refusal to recognize a Christian student group on their campus because the group won’t let gays in. Currently, the school’s chapter of the Christian Legal Society receives no financing or benefits from the school — but is it legal for the school to discriminate against discriminators? After heated testimony from the group Monday, the court is expected to rule sometime this summer, the Associated Press reports.

Gallup just completed its annual state-of-the-states poll, rating all 50 using a highly calibrated Well-Being Index. Hawaii won (seriously? They should be disqualified.); West Virginia came in last (maybe that’s just what you get for being an off-shoot of a state).

And Rhode Island didn’t perform too shabbily, coming in at 40th place. As the smallest state in the nation, we’ll take what we can get.

But the real kicker was the city-by-city analysis. Providence ranked as the second-worst on the well-being chart. To make matters worse, it was our emotional health scores that brought us down.

We’re just speculating, but this could be a reason the Brown girls are feeling emotionally … burdened.

Contrary to popular belief, Ruth Simmons is not the most lovable personality on campus. And in the never-ending Ratty vs. V-Dub debate, the Ratty has one thing the V-Dub can never get.

Yes, you all know her and you all love her. It’s Gail.

Gail McCarthy, lifelong Providence resident, has been a staple of Ratty life for the past six years. She’s brightened your day, one card swipe at a time. Now, every week, we will take the most controversial news stories and throw them out to Brown’s most beloved BDS employee.

This week: Obama’s call to end the highly criticized “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

We asked Gail her opinion. Here is what she thought:

“I think that is wonderful. It’s taken way too long. Nobody should be judged whether they are [gay] or not. Everybody’s a human being first.”

Well said, Gail!  Think about that next time you go to the Ratty.

— Ana Alvarez