FlogDailyHerald: Mr. Bicep Man

Last week, I heard something truly despicable. I was in the Ratty, doing what I do, minding my own business, when I hear, “Yeah, gotta hit the gym. Gotta get those biceps if I wanna get any Spring Weekend.” I only just stopped vomiting in anger, which is why it took me so long to respond to this monstrosity of a thought, but here we go.

What? Excuse me? The nicest biceps in the world will not make girls want to sleep with you if you are A) the kind of person that plans seven weeks in advance to get toned arms or B) are the kind of person who only wants nice arms 3 days out of the year.

And excuse me, person who this dude was talking to: Why did you not slap him in the face then and there? Dear readers, he agreed with his friend. He said he’d join him in the Bear’s Lair, which is the worst place ever. If you insist on subjecting yourself to the gym, do it for your health, not your sexual track record.

Why do you not have bulging muscles right now? Oh, it’s a shit ton of work and totally not worth it and chocolate gives you more self esteem than a bench press ever could? Then maybe you should never have the muscles. Do you think a girl is interested in you because of the girth of your arms? Something tells me she’d prefer for your girth to be allocated differently, and your weirdly big ‘weekend arms’ just make other aspects of your anatomy seem smaller.

Since the dawn of time, we have been avoiding manual labor. We started farming because hunter-gathering was too much work. We built cars and forklifts because we were sick of running and lifting.  You are flipping off all of human history in the hopes you’ll get laid.

But guess what? You won’t. Because if you’re not getting laid right now with your average looking biceps, your biceps aren’t the deal breaker. The deal breaker is that you are planning your one night stand a month and a half in advance. People plan vacations to Florida with less notice. How on earth can you think about Spring Weekend when I’m wearing a coat over my jacket above my sweatshirt on top of my sweater which is hiding three layers of long underwear?

Listen, my friend. I can think of an easy arm exercise that I already do on the regular. You can do it from the comfort of your own bed. You do that. I’ll stick with my skinny arms.

P.S. If the dude who said that reads this article and wants to come pick a fight, please do. Last time we encountered each other, your arms weren’t exactly a force to be reckoned with.

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FlogDailyHerald: Grad Center Gym

Let’s get this out of the way right off the bat: I cannot and will not refer to the Grad Center gym as the “Bear’s Lair.” I refuse on principle. The principle being that that name is terrible. I have not heard a name that I have hated that much since my parents gave me the middle name Weidman (also potentially spelled Wiedman, I’m not sure).

Since returning from winter break, our lovely Providence streets have been defined by two things: black ice and the blood of its victims. Which brings me to my flog within a flog: people who don’t shovel their sidewalks. It is these individuals who are to blame for our treacherous walks. They didn’t shovel their sidewalks after that first snows weeks ago, the snow proceeded to freeze when the temperature dropped, and poor pedestrians are now confronted with sheets of ice impossible to traverse with the boots of mere man. These people are the worst of the worst. I mean, I know that at home my dad would ask me and my sisters to shovel at least three times before he would just do it himself because THAT is what it means to be a good Samaritan. But I digress.

The point is that, for those who value their lives, the number of recent days fit for running outside has been nonexistent limited, to say the least. Luckily, alternative exercise opportunity can be found at The Happiest Place on Campus: Grad Center.

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Gym-tertainment: The worst TV shows to watch at the gym

Never ever watch The Doctors. Ever.

You made a New Year’s Resolution, and it’s probably that you want to get fit in 2014. Naturally, you’ve been finding yourself getting your workout on at the Nelly. This, then, must sound familiar: You’ve been working out for a solid period of time, and you’ve been watching a program that’s propelled you through your workout thus far. It may a football game, a newscast, an episode of Family Guy… whatever allows you to do you. But then it becomes 30 minutes past the hour—your program ends, only to be replaced by one that completely goes against your workout rhythm.

You may not really get what I mean when I say “rhythm”—while this rhythm may seem trivial in theory, it certainly matters in practice. Let me explain it to you by using a different, but equally important medium: music. You’re on the treadmill running to _[insert your favorite pump-up song here]_. You’re cruising at 6.5 mph—gliding, really—and you feel unstoppable. You turn the volume up a bit, just to pump yourself up a little bit more. You look at your iPhone to check what the next song in the cue is, but you accidentally press the “Shuffle Songs” button instead. In that moment, “My Immortal” by Evanescence comes on and blasts through your headphones with OH MY GOD MAKE IT STOP THE HORROR THE HORROR.

Makes you want to vomit everywhere, right? I stand firmly in my belief that “My Immortal” is the worst song ever produced by mankind, while “The Reason” by Hoobastank comes in at a close second.* But that’s not the point of this post—it’s to prove that a television program completely inappropriate for the gym is equally horrifying. Continue Reading


Come out of hibernation: Bear’s Lair is open again

We're glad they held true to their promise to reopen today; nobody likes a "Bears Liar."

Good news for all of you lazy Grad Center, New Dorm and Patriot’s Court residents who are too lazy to make the trek to the OMAC: the Bear’s Lair has reopened after being closed for two and a half weeks due to construction. We hope they learned how to correctly spell “lair” and are using the possessive in the meantime.


A Thousand Words: Inside the new fitness and aquatics center!

Can’t wait to take a peek inside the new fitness and aquatics center? We took a tour yesterday, so we’ve got you covered!

The building has three components: the Katherine Moran Coleman Aquatics Center, the Nelson Fitness Center, and the David J. Zucconi ’55 Varsity Strength and Conditioning Center. See today’s Herald for more information.

Thanks to Project Manager John Cooke for the tour. Photos by Emily Gilbert.

 


(Another) Study break of the day: December 14, 2011

Remember that time you saw that hamster working out in Toms and a vintage The Clash t-shirt at the OMAC? Maybe it’s a little more mainstream now, but Bon Iver frontman/hamster god Justin Vernon might be giving these kids a reason to spend a little less time discussing the newest Tumblr and a little more time werkin’ it.

Vernon teamed up with his personal trainer and biffle Jeff Rogers to create a straight-to-DVD workout video that follows Bon Iver as they run up and down stairs, lift weights, and do sit-ups, all while still looking appropriately apathetic. Don’t be fooled — an indie folk star doesn’t do squats to J-Lo. The trailer is set to the soothing melodies of We Are The Willows. Maybe this will motivate you to take a study break at the Bear’s Lair?