Sextion: What your Halloween costume says about your sexuality

We have 364 days of the year to brainstorm costume ideas. Some ideas are seen to fruition and some crash and burn. When I was younger, I was a witch from kindergarten until fourth grade. I wasn’t very creative. In high school, I never transitioned over to buying trashy costumes when all of my friends did – in fact, I bought a banana suit freshman year. However, I did get slightly more creative throughout each year of high school and during my time at Brown by dressing up as a different kind of banana each year. My crowning achievement was the sex-ed banana. No, I’m not kidding – I walked around in a banana suit with a garbage bag rolled up on my head.

Anyway, I like to think that my obsession with this banana suit was some kind of a psycho-sexual-Freudian-thing. I was a sexually repressed teenager who went to a very conservative high school. And what’s happened to me now? I’m a sex writer.

That being said, I’ve done some brainstorming about what I think other people’s costumes mean about their sexuality:

Punny costume: We get it, you think you’re clever. But you also believe in the g-spot and know a thing or two about how to use your tongue.

Sex Tape

Group costume: You’re only confident enough to go out with a group of friends. Nevertheless, I see a threesome in your future.

group

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BlogDH’s guide to last-minute Halloween costumes

It’s that time of the year again. You and a friend frantically tear through Thayer’s three costume shops in search of something passable to wear to that Halloween banger you just got a notification about. You waited until the last day, like always, and like always you come to one honest conclusion: you’re not going to find anything good, so you may as well try to be funny, or ironic at the very least. In truth, your final product is going to look lazy and sarcastic. Here’s our handy guide to some last-minute getups you’re definitely going to wear see this Halloweekend.

1) The sailor

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The sailor could be a great opportunity to pay a respectful tribute to some of our nation’s bravest, but in reality is just an excuse to drink like a sailor. If you’ve got a striped shirt and a pair of boat shoes, the rest of your costume will come together with 5 bucks and a quick stroll to the Army Navy store. In most cases, sailors will be guys who let their creativity take a back seat to their ego.

2) The pirate

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The lazy pirate is really an unfortunate spectacle to behold, primarily because the pirate itself has so much potential. The possibilities range from our model above to Jack Sparrow. Take careful notice of the user’s intention to return the hat the very next day and the left index finger where a hook should be.

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More relevant might be the Captain Phillips-inspired “lazy Somali Pirate.” The only change necessary is swapping the sword for a gun. Continue Reading