During many an afternoon in the Blue Room, I have heard Brown students talking about the muffins with the same excitement and pleasure in their voices as their most recent hook-ups. My mind could not help but wander. If the muffins were different sexual positions, what would they be?
Corn muffin = hand job. Seriously, what is the point of a corn muffin? I guess it does the job of satisfying your hunger, but there is little joy to it. Some could say the same about a hand job: takes care of business, but rarely great or memorable. You deserve an upgrade.
Blueberry muffin = missionary. Ordering a blueberry muffin shows little originality, just like the missionary position. Not that it can’t be satisfying, but there is nothing too special about it.
One muffin in a tin of 1,000.
Hi there! I’m Lana Del Foreplay, BlogDailyHerald’s new Sextion writer. I am so excited to take over this semester. Over the next few months, columns will cover everything from crushes to sex to love, with little anecdotes sprinkled in between to (hopefully) give you a teeny bit of insight into sex both at and away from Brown. Can’t wait to get down and dirty with you all.
During these snowy nights, I can’t help but wish there were someone snuggling up beside me to keep me warm in my twin bed. But without any currently viable options in the love department, I roll over and pick up my phone. What used to be a “hey, what’s up?” text to a romantic interest has been replaced with anywhere from five to 55 minutes of flicking through photos of people between ages twenty to 28 within a five mile radius. I see someone cute, take 20 seconds to look through all of their photos and read their blurb, and finally swipe right because I am bored. A match! Here we go…
As someone who has had over hundreds of matches throughout my tenure on Tinder (#notsohumblebrag), I have talked to many a phe I would not have had the
pleasure chance of meeting otherwise. I won’t lie: it is an amazingly modern way for singles to mingle. Now I’m not sure if it’s the people I am choosing or just the plethora of options on Tinder, but the majority of people I talk to are weird, to put it kindly. From the classic “you horny?” to the seemingly sweet “you’re cute :),” which turns into “I want to cum on your face,” it can be hard to tell who is a normal person and who is a psychotic nymphomaniac axe murderer.
Well, it’s almost February 14th again. Whether you are in a long-term relationship or dancing on your own, VDay can be fun and exciting; you just need the music to set the mood. Having had a traumatic experience having sex with “All of the Lights” playing in the background, I know how important a soundtrack to a good hookup is. So I’m here to help you out: here is BlogDailyHerald’s Sextion-approved Valentine’s playlist, filled with lots of smooth, slow, and sultry jams. Put it on and get down with your significant other, new fling, or your bad self. Or just put it on while you eat ice cream and watch “Bridget Jones’ Diary.” Whatever floats your boat. Happy Valentine’s Day!
P.S. This may be ~*babymaking*~ music, but remember to use protection!
The Walk of Shame is ten times longer from Keeney…
Last Friday, I was dragged along by my friends to the soccer game. Now, I don’t pay attention to foot-games, so as I sullenly zoned out (what color uniforms do we wear again?). I couldn’t help but eavesdrop on the conversation of the sophomore girls seated behind me.
“I’m so super excited to be going out this weekend! Oh my god, I’m gonna get so wasted.”
“Yeah, I haven’t gotten laid in forever.”
“Oh my god, just be careful. You don’t want to hook up with a freshman.”