Napoleon Bonaparte after a particularly enjoyable conversation at the orientation ice cream social, ca. 1812.
Listen up, First-Years.
As you arrive on campus you will be greeted with good wishes and encouragement. I was in your shoes only last year, so I remember those heady days well. But take my warning, friends, and do not let yourself be lulled into complacency, for hidden between the happy team-building activities lies the greatest battle of your life: The ice cream social.
“The Ice Cream Social?” You ask. “But that sounds like so much fun! Surely you are mistaken.”
I am not. To survive the evening of mingling and make-your-own-sundaes you must become a social warrior, raising a shield of vague responses as you charge through barrages of small-talk.
Agamemnon did not sail for Troy alone, and you should not show up at the social without a buddy. Pair up with your roommate, or anyone else that you already know a little bit. You and your roommate can cover for each other in group conversations by laughing at your own lame jokes and making references to your room (or any other commonality that you’ve already discussed). Battling through the social together is also a great way to bond with your roommate. Just ask the guys from Band of Brothers. [Ed. This might be a borderline exaggeration, but you’ll have to see for yourself!]
If the Hangover, Godfather, and Spider-Man franchises taught us anything, it was that you can never ruin something great by doing it not once, not twice, but three times. So, here is Stefon is back to give you the hottest tips on the hottest parties for what is sure to be the hottest summer ever (#globalwarming #parties).
If you don’t know who Stefon is yet, that means you have no life and don’t enjoy laughter; it also means that you don’t read my blog posts, which is hurtful, rude, and you should just leave. Stefon’s return to Blog marks the end of the year, and the beginning of summer. I (Hank as Stefon) could not be more excited for summer, so without further ado, here is a list of hot parties (pun very much intended) to look out for this summer.
The hottest party this summer is… pool party. Everyone has that one friend they pretend to be friends with because they have a pool. So make sure to text that loser and act like you are interested in how their year was and secure yourself an invite to their above ground pool now. Cool off poolside, with some skunked beers from the trunk of your friend’s dad’s car, your swim shirt (not because you aren’t comfortable with your body, but because surfers wear them, and surfers are cool, just like you), and deflated floaties. Pools are dope, and so are you, so why would’t you kick it poolside? Nothing is more fun then swimming through all the dead leaves and bugs floating on the top of the water! Fun pool games include trying to hold your breath underwater for five minutes, belly flop contests, and swimming the butterfly.
Ben & Jerry’s is giving us one more thing to be excited about this week: FREE ice cream. Although the weather forecast for today is less than ideal for enjoying your cone outside on the Green, free is free. From 12-8 p.m. you can line up on Thayer to get yourself a complimentary cone. Before you ask: No, Ben & Jerry’s did not plan this around Spring Week. Weirdly enough, it’s a nation-wide thing that’s been happening since 1979, and just has super fortuitous timing this year. Spring has sprung!
The Blue Room — home to no shortage of desert specials — will feature cookie sandwiches today starting at 4 p.m. What exactly is a cookie sandwich, you ask? Aaron Fitzsenry, culinary manager for retail dining, explained in an email to us:
— You pick a couple fresh cookies, like choc chip, oatmeal, cranberry and white choc, or double choc mint. This is chocolate heavy.
— You pick either Espresso Fudge Ripple or Caramel Caribou (with choc cups) ice cream and we make an ice cream cookie sandwich. Really chocolate heavy.
— You get to enjoy this monster with a cup of Mocho, my cappuccino/cocoa mix. And marshmallows. Lots of mini marshmallows.
Where did this idea come from? “It started as a twitter request for the most outlandish way possible to do ‘cookies and milk,'” he wrote.
Get it while it lasts!