You may or may not have caught a glimpse of Brown’s 250th anniversary cake/monstrosity last week. Without my glasses, I could behold only a blurry, brown structure before the equally-out-of-focus podiums and rainbow flags flying high on the 3rd floor of Faunce (bravo, kids). Amidst hangry students struggling to appreciate synchronized slam poetry, I could take the time to imagine what our culinary masterpiece looked like. It wasn’t just a replica of University Hall. It was a Cake Boss rival. It was the real Ace of Cakes. It was our very own sculpted dessert straight from a bona fide bakery, Oakleaf Cakes.
My imagination didn’t have to run too far, for Brown really did take the cake. After I made it tore my way through the crowd and tried the not-so-delectable treat, I researched its competition. Here are the cakes Brown surpasses (and a few we didn’t quite beat). Sorry I couldn’t sugarcoat it for you.
Unseating the Incumbent
The 500-pound inaugural cheesecake
At 650 pounds, Brown’s University Hall outweighed Obama’s inaugural 500-pound cheesecake created by Chicago-based Eli’s Cheesecake Company. The three-tiered Democratic dessert featured a replica of the Capitol Dome topped with a gold Statue of Freedom. But the part-chocolate chip, part-original plain cheesecake, crafted from 155 pounds of cream cheese, 50 pounds of butter, and 20 dozen eggs, among other gargantuan amounts of ingredients couldn’t hold a smoking candle to Oakleaf’s masterwork.
Commander-in-Chief cake weighed only 50 lbs
The second inaugural cake made by Charm City Cakes (of Ace of Cakes fame) for the Commander-in-Chief Ball doesn’t even come close to Brown’s cake prowess. At a measly 3-4 feet to our 5 feet, the six-tiered (that’s right, six tiers couldn’t top us) red velvet, lemon poppy seed, pineapple coconut, and pumpkin chocolate chip confection weighed in at a surprising 50 pounds.
Hoards of reputable sources, from Business Insiderto BetchesLoveThis, have mercilessly ranked the Ivy League universities, but these lists have only compared the same, yawn-worthy specifications (Student Life, Academics, Affordability, Campus, Celebrity Alumni, Location, Greek Life, etc). Can you spot the great oversight all of these useless rankings share? Yes, that’s right. None of these sites have evaluated the Ivy League based on the schools’ respective Henry Moore sculptures. How could they be so foolish to overlook such a critical criterion? Continue Reading
Classes have been cancelled at Dartmouth today. No, Hurricane Sandy has not been resurrected. Nor has a surprise blizzard blown its way into Hanover, burying the campus in snow and halting all meaningful work. The administration has cancelled classes because of a highly polarizing protest that has sparked anger, threats, and hatred throughout the campus.
Dartmouth hosts an accepted students weekend called Dimensions, which essentially the equivalent of ADOCH. In the middle of a Friday show for prospective students, around 15 protestors barged in, screaming “Dartmouth has a problem!” The students—holding signs with messages like “I was called a fag in my freshman dorm”—aimed to inform the accepted students about issues of homophobia, racism, and sexual assault on-campus. We could tell you more, but see for yourself:
The performers from Dimensions hid to avoid conflict with the protestors, who were eventually shut down when one prospective student started a group chant of “We Love Dartmouth.”
Just when you thought Penn couldn’t get any more obnoxious, its pompous and “generous” alumni are dropping big money to “widen the gap between the cool, friendly kids of Penn and the anti-social shut-ins at other Ivies.” The Social Ivy strives to facilitate social interactions between Penn students by covering part of the cost of their social gatherings, mainly dinners during which non-alcoholic drinks are served. Upon learning of this initiative, Brown, Columbia, Cornell, Dartmouth, Harvard, Princeton, and Yale collectively projectile vomited on the city of Philadelphia in disgust. Benjamin Franklin must be turning in his grave.
To sign up for a table at a restaurant, the site must deem you “worthy”—upon picking a table, you must answer a question correctly to qualify. Why do these students need to prove that they’re worthy? According to the website’s FAQ section, “Alumni want to unite the best and only the best. The Social Ivy ensures that the students who get together to share ideas and have a good time are not only cool and interesting, but also smart and informed.” These “Very Important People” in the Penn community must have the “swagger” and the “confidence” to invite their friends to these events and network; in doing so, they “prove they’re suave” (emphasis mine… and if The Social Ivy’s creative team believes that suaveness takes human form in any of the individuals pictured above, it is seriously mistaken).
It’s bad enough to call the highly intelligent, driven, and hard-working students at the other seven Ivy League institutions anti-social hermits. But here’s the bigger problem: Continue Reading
Fall Weekend is approaching, and it seems like just about everyone’s got plans. Some will be cramming for exams, some will be heading home, and still others will be visiting friends at other universities. Finding myself in the third category, I began to ponder how I might, as a Brown first-year, assert my newfound school pride at rival universities. As it turns out, the solution is obvious.
In order to express my love for Brown and cultivate our school’s reputation as an open, tolerant place, I’ve cultivated a list of ruthless insults for use on any rival Ivy League school and its students. Be a good ambassador for Brown and mercilessly mock your Yale, Cornell, or Dartmouth friends on this beautiful Fall Weekend.
You didn’t have to encounter the terribly pretentious Harvard cheering squad at the Harvard-Brown game two weekends ago to realize that Harvard students are literally all, without exceptions, a bunch of raging douchebags. Behind enemy lines in Cambridge, your only choice is to fight fire with fire. Establish academic dominance by telling those fools that Harvard’s undergraduate reputation “is mixed at best,” while you trump them socially by noting that you didn’t want to go to school “with a bunch of losers and lightweights,” anyway. Alternatively, pull a Will Hunting.
Staying in Providence for the long weekend and want to make some transcontinental friends? You’re in luck: While many Brown students go M.I.A., around 300 students from other schools will be flocking to College Hill for the third annual IvyQ conference.
This meeting of queer-identifying students and allies “aims to create a pan-Ivy community of LGBTQ students and allies equipped with the skills to examine their identities, value those of others, and understand intersectionality,” according to the conference’s official website. While the conference originated in the Ivy League, it’s grown to include colleges from around the country, from UNC-Chapel Hill to Grinnell (which is in Iowa, by the way).
While registration filled up two weeks ago due to high demand (500 students, oh my!), some events, like the keynotespeeches, will be open to the general public. And students dying to participate can still sign up for the waitlist.
BlogDH spoke with some of IvyQ’s coordinators, who gave us the lowdown on the conference. Continue Reading