The 2014 Oscar-viewer’s guide to movies you haven’t seen

timthumb

The Academy Awards are this Sunday and it is basically all anyone I am talking about. Anyone who is anyone knows that the Oscars are the most important social event of the season. Good Oscar-viewing parties include copious amounts of food, lots of discussion of fashion, attendees who take the awards not only seriously, but personally, and ballots for these attendees to invest in with not only their hearts, but also their money. Basically a combination of my three favorite things: judgment, competition, and strong but ultimately pointless opinions.

The only problem with this otherwise perfect evening can be the fact that, unless you are my father (hand to God this man does not work), chances are you have not seen every single film with a best picture nomination this season. This is a problem not because you missed the opportunity to see a potential new classic but because, come Sunday night, there will be times when you will have to go full minutes without spewing passionately held beliefs and will actually have to listen to those of others. The remedy to the problem is, of course, making shit up. But how can you make shit up about a movie you haven’t seen? What if you embarrass yourself and make some long-winded speech about how you just don’t care about seeing wolves in movies since The Grey came out only to have someone explain that the Wolf of Wall Street wasn’t about real wolves?  Welcome to “The 2014 Oscar-Viewer’s Guide to Movies You Haven’t Seen.”

Note: These are not synopses of the films because Wikipedia exists. These are quotes commonly spewed by people who have seen these movies that, when repeated, will create the illusion that you saw them as well.

Continue Reading


Time-waster of the day: February 4, 2013

We are all obsessed with Jennifer Lawrence. So watch her in her first official acting gig ever at the young age of fourteen: a trailer for MTV’s My Super Sweet 16. Fabulous then, fabulous now:


The Hungry Hungry Hunger Games

It was high school over again. There I was, in a D.C. movie theater, with my childhood friend, waiting in line for a midnight movie premiere.

Elizabeth Banks as Effie and Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss

“Patrick, do you think we might be getting…too old for this?”

“No. We look sixteen. Act sixteen. Do something gross, like chew on the end of your hair or something. You used to do that all the time.”

High school trauma aside, all I can say is this: It was totally worth it. It was worth the late night. It was worth the two hour wait. It was worth elbowing through a horde of tweenagers with Liam Hemsworth fetishes just to get a seat. Because The Hunger Games is one badass movie. Continue Reading