If all you got out of the career fair was lots of swag but no job or internship, ’tis the season to frantically send out applications like you’re graduating tomorrow (or last week, for some of us). So let’s get to it: you’re going to need some jobs to apply to, a probably-copy-and-pasted cover letter, and of course, a
In theory, resumes are a concise way to tell a potential employer how awesome you are and how well you would fit the job. In practice, they can be sterilized, CareerLab-edited bullet-point lists that use buzzwords to catch the eye of overwhelmed recruiters. So we’re here to spice up the resume game.
Fill out this mad lib and we’ll generate a ready-to-go personalized resume for you that we guarantee* will get you all the jobs!
*BlogDailyHerald cannot guarantee that any opportunities will arise from this post, and acknowledges that sending out this resume may be detrimental to your chances of becoming employed.
, May-August 2015
- Worked on an startup that has now become the of .
- Used communication skills to order on Seamless for my bosses.
- Created a feature for users to automatically upload representing their lifestyle.
’s , June-August 2014
- important tax documents.
- Frequently on the social media page.
Brown University, 1764-Present
- Selected coursework: Intro to , Unpacking the of
- Picketed for university divestment from .
- Research Assistant at the W. Brown center for and human .
- Weighted GPA: ; Unweighted GPA: 3.7
- Captain of the Team
- Winner of the 2012 -Bee
- Technical: Experience with C++ and .
- Personal: Certified in -first aid; attention to ; work well with face-to- interaction.
We’re in the thick of internship application season, and many of us are sending out cover letter after cover letter in the hopes that someone in HR might slip up and actually hire us. For those who don’t feel like using mad libs to earn gainful employment, here’s a (brutally) honest cover letter about all of the marketable skills, leadership experience, and technical expertise my American Studies concentration has given me (Ed. Don’t send this to any employer ever):
To whom it may concern,
My name is Brian Semel and I am writing to apply for a summer internship position at your company, which I heard about through an incredibly vague Google search after looking at the dining hall menu for the third time today and before a YouTube video of animals with people voices, which is playing as I type this. I think you will find I am uniquely unqualified for any position whatsoever, and I am eager to work for a company I only just heard about.
I am a sophomore at Brown University where I concentrate in American Studies, which essentially means I live in America and think it’s kind of decent. My liberal arts education has given me no practical skills, but I have several suggestions about what to next binge on Netflix. My involvement in the Brown community can best be described as “insubstantial.” But fear not, potential employer: I also dislike working with others and I am terrible at coming up with even uncreative solutions to the most solvable problems.
At 8 years old, I was already very concerned about the Career Fair.
I didn’t go to the Career Fair yesterday.
I planned to. I had absolutely nothing to do between 12-4. My Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule is surprisingly open this year, and while that means a hectic Tuesday-Thursday, I enjoy the luxury of lounging around most of the day in pajamas and eating large amounts of gummy vitamins, since I have consumed all other nutrional substances in my room. (Seriously though, those gummy bears are delicious—do bad things happen if you eat ten in one day?! [Ed.- Yes.])
But I didn’t go. I refused to embrace pre-professionalism and thus probably sentenced myself to a purgatory of cubicles and mediocrity. I watched my peers don their slacks and pantsuits and march off with unbridled optimism, resumes in hand, ready to conquer Corporate America. And I attempted to rationalize my decision to ditch.
1. The Dresscode. Seriously, who do we think we’re kidding? We don’t dress like that. The employers know we don’t dress like that. Brown students, in general, have two modes of dress: Homeless People (being sweatpants, sweatshirts, and bedhead) and Chique Homeless People (harem pants, anything from Urban Outfitters, and bedhead achieved through an hour-long battle with a curling iron and hairspray).
Do we really think that wearing those awful tan trousers will change anything?
2. Resume Anxiety. I don’t have anything close to That Awesome Internship, and I’m betting a ton of Brunonians don’t either. “Research” means I watched a lot of Netflix and effed around on Wikipedia all summer. “Advanced Infant Supervisor” means babysitter. And you better believe the employers know it.