Jon Stewart rallies the Pilgrims to defend our heathen governor

As certain people have so politely put it, true red-blooded Americans are under attack, with thousands of us dying every day.  Of course, by “us” I mean “our delicate Christmas spirits.” Yes, I’m talking about the recent smear campaign, launched by Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee ’75 P’14, against the glowing spruce spreading its rearview-mirror-air-freshener scent all around our local State House rotunda. As reported by every news outlet west of the Holy Land, Gov. Chafee recently had the satanic audacity to call our Jesus Juniper a “Holiday Tree.”  Really, Chafee?  You thought your crucifix-rubbing constituents wouldn’t notice?

Well…okay, I didn’t notice.  But guess who did?  Jon Stewart.  The Pundit Prince himself took to the airwaves and gave all the crusading berserkers at Faux News a piece of his mind.  I won’t spoil the historical revelations for you, but let’s just say that the Pilgrims and the Founding Fuckin’ Fathers themselves all showed up to support Chafee.

So I guess the godforsaken gubernatorials got the upper hand this time. And that scares me. What’s next?  Islamic icicles?  Wiccan wreaths? On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer and Vixen!  On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and…BUDDHIST?  How am I supposed to explain that to my five-year-old son? Chafee, you’re what Alfred was talking about. You just want to watch Christmas burn.

It all evens out in the end, though, because despite Chafee pushing the Arboreal Antichrist on us, Sean Hannity still looks like the cigar-smoking bastard child of Newt Gingrich, Jay Leno, and a teddy bear.  (And on that note, I summon Rule 34.  You’re welcome.)

You can watch the clip here and the full episode here.

The Casualties of Midterms: Things we just don’t have time for anymore

I’ve absolutely hated midterms. Have I slept less than I ever have in a single academic week? Of course. Have I studied more for one History of Brazil test than I did for all of my final exams senior year of high school? Of course. Did I have my first cup of coffee ever? Of course not; I stand on my principles. But at least I expected these things. The tragedy comes when you remember that there are still — my attempts at making a timeturner be damned — just 24 measly hours in a day. There hasn’t been much time for breathing, let alone blog posts. Luckily for me, I seem to have deluded myself into seeing a light at the end of the tunnel (yes, I am wholly aware that it’s a mirage). But for now, let’s bask in the light and spend some time one the things we missed so much:

1. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: Usually an excellent 30 minute late-night distraction when I’m not in the mood for Jo’s, I haven’t seen my favorite member of the tribe work his magic live in weeks. Why not just watch on Hulu the next day? Well, naive soul, clearly you don’t realize that there’s something really stale about watching jokes about what’s already mostly yesterday’s news even one day later. Not a good use of my already overbooked time.  Continue Reading

Better know Maffei ’90

Rep. Dan Maffei ’90, D-N.Y., is struggling to hold on to his seat, with recent counts of Tuesday’s ballots showing him behind his opponent by 659 votes. As Maffei waits for 9,000 absentee ballots to be counted, it might be time to better get to know “Star Trek” geek Maffei, as Stephen Colbert did last year. When David Cicilline ’83 joins (replaces?) Maffei in the House Brown University Caucus, maybe he’ll follow in Maffei’s footsteps — and avoid talking about NAMBLA.

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Better Know a District – New York’s 25th – Dan Maffei
Colbert Report Full Episodes 2010 Election March to Keep Fear Alive

Time-waster of the day: October 30, 2010

Screenshot from

In honor of today’s Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear, hosted by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert in DC, we bring you Sane or Not, a site à la Face Mash where people send in potential rally signs and you vote on which is the saner of the two. You may not be able to go, but you can be tangentially involved in the process.