You’ve been extraordinarily helpful telling us what you call this building. We need more help. What do you call the building where you get your mail, visit the Card Office, consult the Office of International Programs, and find the room with the most unnecessary and confusing placement of chandeliers on campus?
Package Arrival Notice! Oh! How exciting! Someone loves me. Maybe it’s a care package from my dear parents. They do care about my well being and general happiness. Maybe it’s a textbook from Amazon to fill my brain with knowledge or a sweater from
Urban Outfitters that mom and pop store to keep me warm through the winter. I’m so excited to find out what it is, but I’ll wait until a weird time to pick it up so I can avoid the line. I’m so smart and clever, everyone should want to sleep with me and be my friend.
It’s 1:24. Only a crazy person would pick up a package at such a silly hour in the—HOLY SHIT! What the fuck is this? Is it noon at the Ratty right now? Did someone put a Six Flags roller coaster in JWW? Don’t you all have places to be? Oh, that’s nice, a bake sale; I wish I had a dollar. Oh well, I guess I better get in line.
(Having moved about 4 feet.) This. Is. Death. Yes, I see your cookies. They look delicious, but I did not find a dollar in the 8 minutes since you last asked. Yes, it’s a very nice cause. What’s taking so long? Ugh, it’s that blonde bitch. Oh god she’s one of those who’s SURE her package is here. You need to get the email, you platinum plated piece of—calm down. It’s fine. It’s been like 10 minutes now. You’ve got nothing to do. It’s okay.
With finals in full swing, we thought a third and final round of Little Victories was a very necessary way to finish out the semester. Blog has been a little pessimistic with our 12 Days of Flogmas. We’re here give you a pick-me-up and remind you that the only reason you think you hate this place right now is because it’s finals—it’s definitely not because you actually hate it (you love it here, I promise). We present to you a holiday/finals themed round of Little Victories. You got dis!
1. When you get the free pizza at the Rock and the SciLi. Such a solid study break kept our somber students as happy as clams. If there’s one thing college students love, it’s free shit. Everyone knows that the best kind of free shit is free food. And how great are those mini-brownies they put out? It’s Domino’s pizza, too, a very high quality and expensive brand ( 😉 ). This is a prime example of Brown showing that it cares about us.
2. When you witness the Naked Donut Run by pure chance. The Naked Donut Run happens unannounced twice a year. That means that you have eight opportunities to witness it during your tenure at Brown (if you go abroad, only seven). The NDR is basically as anticipated as Beyoncé’s surprise album. Generally, you have no idea when it’s going to happen, but you know it has to happen. When a completely nude guy saunters up to you, toting his paper plate o’ donuts out of the blue, your jaw drops—you’re smiling, you’re laughing, and you’re always thinking, “wow, I love Brown” all at once. Continue Reading
In order to get you young whippersnappers in the scrutinizing mode for finals and hopefully a jolly mood for the holidays, your one and only true Blog love brings you the 12 Days of Flogmas. What is a Flog, you ask? Why, it merely consists of the best, most poignant, sometimes earth-shattering criticisms of perhaps the most trivial, yet gear-grinding aspects of life at Brown (see our FlogDailyHerald column). We feel this is particularly fitting during our collective finals catharsis, and we’ll keep it coming for 12 days. Take a sip of your FlogNog and let the festivities begin…
Oh, J. Walter Wilson, how I hate thee. Home to our mail boxes, mail services, and a number of unrelated offices, JWW is a hub of student traffic. Whether you have a language class in there every
fucking day or you just stop by to pick up your mail, we are all too familiar with it. There are certain questions one is faced with upon entering the building, most of which have to do with its construction. The most pressing of which is what the architect was actually thinking when designing the building. The way things turned out, you’d think he or she was pulling a Rob Ford. Here’s why: Continue Reading
You know the sound the guy makes in Alien as the chestbuster is trying to emerge? That feral whine, part dying ox and part Joan of Arc mid-burning? Sigourney & co. are trying to hold him down while being sung to by Goody Proctor’s howler monkey.
Brown is no stranger to that sound. Continue Reading
Hold onto your lanyards – Brown seems to be stepping up its internal security with a few new measures. First, J. Walter Wilson now requires swipe cards on weekends; no longer can we shimmy over to J Dubs in our pajamas to innocently and obsessively check our mail in the mornings. Similarly, I’m sure you’ve seen the new space-age apparatus set up in the Rock. The glass pane emblazoned with the Brown logo keeps the public out – in style. I feel like we have to stop and ask ourselves: what is the point of all these checkpoints? The way I see it, doors exist for two reasons, to keep people out, and to keep people in… Continue Reading