Jesse Watters has returned from the depths of the abyss that is FOX News’s New York office to comment alongside Bill “Falafel” O’Reilly on the cancellation of the “giant sex party” that is SexPowerGod. Speculating about why the party was called off, Papa Bear Bill insisted that the decision came from the administration, while Jesse correctly (Ed. I can’t believe he actually corrected the boss-man) pointed out that the University did not shut the party down.
Watters, who is THIRTY-SIX YEARS OLD and still trying to make a career out of alternately hitting on and making fun of college students, chalked the cancellation up to SPG having gotten “a little nasty.” Poor word choice when describing alleged sexual assaults and ER visits that stemmed from the party. Since we don’t want to dignify the clip too much by embedding it in this post, you can watch it here.
O’Reilly jokes on the new segment that Jesse needs to come back because the Brown student populace misses him, but it seems that Jesse misses us. The man has visited us annually for the past three years!
Well, now we (read: Caitlin Dorman ’16) have done that, and it wasn’t too difficult of an adaptation. In fact, there is so much romantic tension between Jesse Watters and us that the most difficult part of the whole process was blending the skin tones of Jesse’s face with Kim Kardashian’s neck.
Lucky for you all, I know the answer to the question that has been keeping you up at night. No, it’s not the pressing matter of “Do they like me back?” or, “Did I just fail my midterm?” or even, “Should I go out tomorrow night?” But rather, I can provide you with the long-sought answer to: “If the dining halls were rappers, who would they be?” See below, and thank me later.
Andrews Commons = Drake
“Started from the bottom, now we eating pho.”
Andrews Commons is the hottest dining hall on the scene right now. It’s young, fresh, and multi-cultural. I have even heard that Andrews was on Degrassi for a while, but I’m not sure, that could just be a rumor. But in all seriousness, AC and Drake are so clearly twins (Can a person and a dining hall be twins? In this case, I’ll argue yes). Drake is everyone’s guilty pleasure, and Drake and AC can both provide happiness until the wee hours of the night. Whether you are feeling sad, hungry, happy, tired, defeated, or lonely, Drake is there for you. Slip in some headphones and bump some “Nothing Was the Same,” “Take Care,” or “Thank Me Later,” and all suddenly becomes better. Andrews provides the same source of solace; whether you are craving some nacho pizza, pho, ageless sushi, mystery calzones, or a beastly grinder, it has your back and never asks, “Are you sure you want all of that?” Finally - Drake hates breakfast, and Andrews Commons does not serve breakfast. He even raps about it -“Bank account statements just look like I’m ready for early retirement…I hate breakfast.” ‘Nuff said.
Jam of the Week -Rhye – Open This song has been around for a while but there’s a new music video. In classic Rhye fashion, the video features a couple dealing with Jonathan Franzen-style bourgeois ennui.
Cover – Azealia Banks – Barely Legal (The Strokes Cover)
I cannnnnnot get over this song. I play it when I’m getting ready for school. I play it when I’m doing homework. It’s simultaneously background noise and the fliest shit in the world. I hope Azealia Banks stops using homophobic language because this secures her place in my heart as an eternal BAMF.
Pop – Perfume – Fake It
The Internet loves Japanese pop-star Kyary Pamyu Pamyu, and for good reason because she’s the weirdest. But sometimes I want to return to good ol’ uncomplicated J-Pop, and Perfume fills that void perfectly. Plus all three of them are painfully cute and I like seeing them bop around in those little outfits.
Last semester, Brown students voted on their dream lineup for Spring Weekend. The BCA managed to snag just one act that made our wishlist — not suprising considering our lofty expectations. In these tight times, we can’t go shelling millions of dollars to book Taylor Swift. How would we explain that to Mayor Taveras? Luckily, Brown Student Radio has got those lusting for more marquee names covered. Its Spring Cover Band show is going down tonight, and the lineup is pretty jaw-dropping on paper. Come by The Underground tonight at 9 to catch some of Providence’s best bands covering the likes of Beirut, Neil Young, Prince, Taylor Swift and Kanye West. Each group’s set will last about twenty minutes, but expect T-Swift’s to be cut a little short…
Then, if you’re craving more student music — or just an excuse to go to Whisco in the afternoon — the BCA is hosting a Battle of the Bands this Sunday at 1 p.m. Four student acts will be competing for the chance to win eternal fame and glory (and free Spring Weekend tickets). Head on over to everyone’s bayside watering hole to kick your Spring Week off right.
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