Ted Turner '60 — just look at that 'stache.

(Dis)appointment 2012: “I am honored to accept your nomination…”

Ted Turner ’60 — just look at that ‘stache.

The search for Brown University’s next president is bound to be an arduous, painful process, as the committee figures out which candidate will be able to make the University the most money while simultaneously carpet-bombing the collective soul of all humanities concentrators.  But why must they choose from people with experience in managing institutions of higher ed?  After all, that hasn’t really proved to be an ironclad route to success.  Here are five candidates who undoubtedly know nothing about running a University, but who would allow us to get more excited when we see “Letter to the Community from President ______” in our inboxes.  Plus, they’re all alums.  Hooray for institutional nepotism!

1.  Lois Lowry ’58.  Yeah yeah, she dropped out her sophomore year to get married, whatever.  More important is the fact that she wrote that book we all read in fourth grade.  The one with Gandalf on the cover?  It won the Corndog Medal or something?  Point is, if we hand Lowry the helm, perhaps we can finally get some goddamn closure regarding the ending of The Giver.  I for one really want to know what happens after the protagonist and his mysterious baby friend go on that hypothermia-induced sled ride, and whether he eventually hooks up with that girl (the one who he hoped would start stripping down in an old folks’ home).  So much good thesis material there.  Continue Reading