Sextion: Staying sane in the SciLi

Midterms are fast approaching and the smell of stress is in the air. We’ve begun to hunker down in the libraries, packing our bags in the morning with the expectation that we won’t return before 2 AM. We’ve stocked up on candy and Red Bulls to keep us awake and took the plunge to make sweatpants a semi-permanent fashion statement. We are up to our ears in everything from Chaucer and Foucault, from integrals to Game Theory, from lymphocytes and carbonyls. We are rapidly approaching panic mode.

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Neighborhood extreme sports enthusiasts capture John Street Masturbator

Four neighborhood riders on a mission captured the infamous John Street Masturbator last night at approximately 8/7 Central.  The thrilling pursuit involved a skateboard chase down John Street, a gnarly surf adventure through downtown Providence’s canals, a quick burger break with Tito and finally a rollerskate race down I-95. It all ended when the four extraordinarily active kids in play position caught up with the fleeing peeper and gave the JSM the kind of wet willy he isn’t accustomed to.

The JSM is currently in police custody, but one of the capturers, Maurice ‘Twister’ Rodriguez, an aspiring videographer, was able to obtain the following image for those wishing to identify him: Continue Reading

Director of #Kony2012 detained for public masturbation; reports of activity on John St. yet to be confirmed

DPS may or may not be looking for this man on College Hill next.

This afternoon various news outlets have reported that Jason Russell — co-founder of Invisible Children and a director of the most viral video in history, “Kony 2012” — was detained for drunken, public masturbation yesterday.

Perhaps Russell is channeling our favorite campus figure, the one (or many?) masturbators who have #occupiedJohnSt. Or maybe this is his thinly-veiled attempt to give “Cover the Night” a strange new meaning.

Either way, we can’t help but think that Russell’s alleged act of indecency and the recent reappearance of our favorite campus persona are anything but unrelated.

Guess who’s back, back again

Just when you thought Masturgate 2012 was starting to go limp, — BAM! — guess who’s back touching himself in the quiet alleyways of John Street? None other than the peeping perv himself.

Hot off a recent encounter with the ladies of John St. (you mean that wasn’t just some dude wearing skintight, nude colored chinos?), everyone’s favorite local celebrity managed to catch the attention of local news channel NBC 10 this weekend. Reporter Brian Crandell took some time to speak with the boys of 66 John about life, love, and what it’s like living with a chronic masturbator in your backyard. You can watch the news segment here.

Masturgate: Silver screen style

Hall Pass, a Farrelly brothers comedy released last year, opens with a shot of the Providence skyline. Though the movie was not in fact filmed in Little Rhody, they set the scene. What makes it even more clear? The shot of Jason Sudeikis masturbating in his car on the John street. How. Did. They. Know?!

Our homies are much more elusive.

Masturgate: Another haiku 4 u

Cabbie turns him in,
A man whacking whilst his fare
took him to Power.

Says he was at work,
Just ‘nother kitchen nightmare,
for DownCity Prov.