A real Martian reviews “The Martian”

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Above: not a Martian

I mean, where do I even begin? You all have been pretty nosy this week, what with the finding water last Monday. And NASA releasing all those pictures! I mean some solitude would be nice, really. Just because you all like looking your house up on Google Earth doesn’t mean you get to involve other planets in your sick voyeurism. We didn’t ask to be number one at the box office this weekend. We are a species which values privacy, and if you can’t give us that, at the very least, accuracy please.

First of all, Matt Damon is not a Martian. He just isn’t. Being on Mars does not make you a Martian any more than visiting China makes you Chinese. And if you want to call Mars a, “hostile environment”, maybe stop trying to sell planetary colonization efforts to the public (cough cough NASA/SpaceX/MarsOne). No one is making you come. No one is making you stay.

That said, the performances were pretty good. I would listen to Jessica Chastain tell me to do anything. Donald Glover and Kristen Wiig actually killed the high budget drama. Although, I’m not entirely sure I count this as a drama. Matt Damon did say the words, “I’m going to have to science the shit out of this”, so let’s take the category of drama with a grain of salt. Who wrote this thing? He also talks to his plants a lot.

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