It’s here, Brunonia: That day that makes you feel, depending on your relationship status, either more self-conscious or more hot-and-bothered than when your calculus TA checked you out at SexPowerGod.
For you lucky ones who have found that significant other at Brown, V-Day is a lot of pressure. What could you possibly do to show your loved one that there’s no one you’d rather be spending the big day with besides your Neopet Chomby? Chocolates are classic, but it will be obvious you got them with flex points at Little Jo’s. And if you’re broke and blew all your points on Spindrifts in the first week, that Valentine’s Day dinner will be less romantic on meal credits at the Ratty. But don’t worry, I have the perfect solution for you struggling souls. I’ve put together a love poem that describes just how deep your love goes, Brown style, with a lot of a little help from RhymeZone.com. I guarantee that if you read your loved one this poem, while standing on top of the bear statue on the Main Green accompanied by an a capella group, you will end up getting married (well, there’s a 60% chance if you both live in Perkins). Interpretive dance moves encouraged—maybe get some tips from the Poler Bears. Go out there and spread the Brunonian love.
You’re spicier than a Jo’s Spicy With
And classier than a Darwin’s fifth
You’re sweeter than V-Dub soft serve
And ENGN9’s grading curve
You’re sexier than SexPowerGod
And streaking across Wriston Quad
You’re more entertaining than the Blue Room on Sundays
Watching hungover chicks drink double shot lattés
You’re more distinct than an S with distinction
And watching a Bruno sports team win
You’re better than free Kabob & Curry
And getting first pick in the housing lottery
You’re wilder than the SciLi challenge
And the end-of-semester flex point binge
You’re chiller than the BroPo on 4/20
And Spring Weekend day-drinking when it’s finally sunny
You’re classier than that Thayer street walk of shame
The morning after Whisko can’t remember his name
You’re crazier than all this shit that goes down
You’re better than the best of Brown.
If that doesn’t get your loved one climbing the bear statue to be with you, I don’t know what will. Feel free to add your own verses based on inside jokes and experiences, like “You’re hotter than when we did it on the Sayles organ / And sorry for that time I yelled ‘Oh, Piers Morgan!'”
We get it, you’re anxious. The world is supposed to end today and you haven’t received any end-of-finals closure on the affairs of our dear Slasla12. Let us fill you in.
1. Slasla12 has got her swagga back. Her intelligence is ‘bright’ (after all of these finals-on-finals-on-finals, we find that hard to believe), she’s feeling good, and she’s not even that hungry! We’re not really sure what’s on her head (we guess it’s not as weird as these hats), or what the deal is with that talisman-looking-thing around her wrist, but, all in all, things seem to be going pretty well in Neopia. We also have a petpet named “Spooky.” Point of inquiry: what does one do with a pet’s pet? It almost seems like some form of Neopet inception…Neoception?
2. We learned that there are Neopian benefactors. And we thought we were finding too many ways to waste time. This is exactly as weird as it sounds: these people collect Neopoints to give them away. Philanthropy in Neopia? Seems a little off, but we’ll take it!
It’s been 127 hours. I know you’ve all been hanging on the edge of your seats to hear about our neopets adventures! I’mma let you finish your studying (sorry I’m not sorry for bringing back an annoying trend), but first lemme tell you about some of our discoveries in the past couple of days. Treat. Yo. Self. to a quick study break!
1. Slasla 12 is fully clothed–We did some thrifting at the Money Tree and got her this new getup. But, sh*t it was 99 cents (1,000 Neopoints)!
2. Apparently it’s unacceptable to play Neopets in public–The amount of weird looks we have received for taking care of Slasla12 in the Rock, the Scili, the Blue Room, Starbucks, Blue State, ABP, Metcalf, the Ratty, lecture, section, and in review sessions is starting to get ridiculous. Ok, so maybe some of our writers may have been caught on Neopets at the gym, but it was ONE time! What up with that?
3. Neopets can best quality finals friends–If your study schedule looks anything like this, some time with a Neopet might not be too bad. Your self esteem is on the fritz and you’re going cray. Fear not! Neopets will always be there for you. They were for this guy’s mom.
Now that reading period is in full swing, what better time is there to take a trip down memory lane to the good old days? Answer: there are probably a lot of better times. For some reason, we decided to create a new account to revisit the magical world that consumed (and for some of us, defined) our adolescence. Considering this Kacheek’s intelligence is currently average, we have nothing to lose! Continue Reading