(Finger)Blast from the past

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Last week, I wrote about the hand job: a staple of the early hook up years, whose favor has gone by the wayside. But, what about vagina owners? I think they deserve some hand-love, too.

Since I moved out of my freshman dorm room, I have not discussed “fingering” whatsoever. As an obvious lover of foreplay, I, along with the support of my partners, incorporated it into the pre-sex motions. I failed to give it the “extracurricular” thought it deserved, as my mind was preoccupied with new sex positions and blow job techniques. During Nick Offerman’s lecture at Brown last semester, he talked a lot about how great his sex life is with his wife, Megan Mullally. Nothing stuck with me as much, however, as his discussion of “fingerblasting” her to orgasm. “I want that!” I thought to myself. Similar to the hand job, getting fingered has been seamlessly integrated into foreplay, but does not often get the chance to stand on its own. Furthermore, from my own experience, it seems to be a lot more poking and prodding than anything actually arousing. This is not a gynecologic exam; you’re not trying to feel my uterus. If we’re going to do this, let’s do it right, please. So, let’s get down to it after the jump: Continue Reading


Advice from Nick Offerman

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Last night, students flooded Salomon to see the one and only Nick Offerman. You might know Nick from his roles in We’re the Millers and 21 Jump Street, or most notably from playing the notorious Ron Swanson in the NBC comedy Parks and Recreation. If the aforementioned are unrecognizable to you, you might be the type more familiar with his role as “Metal Beard” in the recently released Lego Movie.

Nick is a very wise man; he wrote a book titled Paddle Your Own Canoe: One Man’s Fundamentals for Delicious Living. In the hopes that he would make our lives more delicious, because who wouldn’t want that, Nick shared some of his fundamentals with us last night. He also shared a lot of graphic details about his sex life, and a lot of graphic details about other things, like his passion for carpentry. But you know what they say–it’s all in the details.

In his first two minutes of “lecturing,” Nick said, “Being in the same room as my genitals is the most magical part of the show.” If you were in lower Salomon, as Nick likes to call “Room Double-O One,” then you missed out. There was magic. There’s really not much else to say here besides a straightforward: sorry-not-sorry. Nick was so funny that most of the time, his jokes prompted a booming laughter that was eerily reminiscent of a laugh track from a 1960s sitcom, or from a live Comedy Central special or something like that. Even the simplest, and perhaps the wisest, words he said made the room literally vibrate with laughter: “I wanted a job to make sure I could pay for my weed. College is paid for, but fuel is not.”

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An ode to the mustache

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As Movember draws to a close, we have a unique opportunity to discuss and reflect on the role of mustaches in our society; the new wave of facial hair has thrust the topic into our daily conversation. Regardless of one’s personal opinion on what looks good or not, Movember has drawn national attention to many issues of men’s health, and has increased awareness about testicular and prostate cancer (among other things). Movember has also reawakened a spirit that many thought to be lost: nostalgia for the golden age of the ‘stache. That’s right, were talking about the 70’s, when bellbottoms and flowing hair reigned supreme, and the measure of manhood was not based on bench press numbers but on whisker prominence. In the words of Nick Offerman, “A mustache carries with it a little bit of derring-do. You’re the kind of guy who will come barreling up doing a power slide in your pickup truck and then give a girl a wink.”

Before I start waxing nostalgic about Burt Reynolds and Freddy Mercury, I have to confess that my own mustache-growing-ability is subpar, to say the least. I have remained committed to the cause throughout Movember, but I seem only to be able to grow a meager excuse for peach fuzz. No amount of “Just for Men” hair dye has been able to kick start my mustached campaign.

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Ron Swanson is coming to Brown

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According Lecture Board President Kaivan Shroff ’15, actor (and…carpenter) Nick Offerman will be speaking at Brown as the Lecture Board’s fall speaker. Though unconfirmed on the Lecture Board website, the lecture apparently will take place on December 4 in Salomon 101. The talk will include a 45-minute speech followed by a Q&A.

Though Offerman is not the speaker the student body voted for (that would be Toni Morrison), he is bound to attract large crowds because of his Parks and Recreation fame, playing fan favorite Ron Swanson. Offerman has also recently been featured in 22 Jump Street, The Lego Movie, and has made numerous television appearances.

Other speakers featured in the poll were unavailable, while Morrison’s team did not think she was healthy enough to make the trip. We’re not exactly sure what the talk will be about, but we hope it includes facial hair and shower thoughts. Maybe he’ll discuss his mysterious alternate career in woodworking. As always, tickets will be distributed through a lottery.

To get you ready for what will hopefully be a lecture full of laughs, here’s a picture of Offerman sans mustache (sorry No Shave November).

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Images via and via.