Sextion: Shit our parents told us about sex

Sextion2

I hope you all had an amazing spring break. If you’re one of the many people that went home over break, you may have realized that vacation is the perfect time for your parents to bombard you with questions about your sex life. Or maybe they got a little too wine-drunk during Passover and shared too much information about their own experiences in the bedroom. Either way, our parents say some pretty horrible and hilarious shit stuff when it comes to sex.

Fortunately for me, my older siblings have had to bear the brunt of the majority of my parents’ sex talks, and I was spared some of the worst questions. Like when my dad asked my oldest brother if he masturbated with his whole hand or just the top two fingers. Poor kid. But because my parents know about my passion for sex and sex education, they actually end up asking me a lot of questions. My dad watches a lot of South Park, so when he learns of a new word like “teabagging,” he likes to quiz me on their meanings. And the time I had to explain to my mom that, no, oral sex on a woman does not have to be performed exclusively on a bed. I don’t know if I have to blame my mom or my dad more for that question.

In any case, our parents took on a major role in our sex education, whether by passively giving us books to read like The Naked Apeor by sitting us down and giving us the dreaded “Talk,” so I thought I’d ask some fellow bloggers about the best/worst/most ridiculous things their parents ever told them about sex: Continue Reading


Sextion: Oh, the memories of high school sex ed…

Sextion

High school sex ed was the best. You got to sit for hours and be talked to about, well, sex. And the best part? You didn’t have to learn about it from your parents (might I remind you of the awkwardness that comes with learning about how babies are made from the two people who made you?). Sadly, I still hold a bit of a grudge against the more conservative-minded parents who kept my school’s sex education programs from the full glory they could have been. We got a lesson in basic anatomy, a brief overview of birth control, and then a heavy dose of abstinence. Nothing to the extreme of “If you have sex, you will get pregnant…and die,” but I was never given the opportunity to put a condom on a banana, and I’m still—and will always be—bitter about that.

However, the point of my writing today is to celebrate the awkwardness that was everyone’s first view into the world of sexuality. Whether your parents forced you to read these books, or you had a health teacher whose name was  “Ms. Humphrey” who performed a sperm dance, sex education was decidedly terrible and delightful at the same time. And whether you were taught in an abstinence-only eduction program, played condom volleyball, or played the penis game (yelling “penis, Penis, PENIS!!!!” louder and louder until everyone was supposed to be comfortable), at least one of our writers on Blog can relate. So here we have our bloggers’ memories on some of the most comically nostalgic topics covered in our sex ed classes: Continue Reading


Concert Knowledge: 6 things I learned at Aaron Carter

Me and Aaron, back in both of our glory days.

Me and Aaron, back in both of our glory days.

Last night, I attended the Rhode Island leg of Aaron Carter’s “The After Party” tour, located at Pawtucket’s intimate venue “The Met.” Hoping for the best (but preparing for the worst), a few friends and I made the 10-minute trek by cab for a night of what we hoped would be filled with good ol’ pre-teen nostalgia fun. While the mildly creepy 25-year-old Carter hardly resembles the adorable 12-year-old we all fell in love with (duh, Sydney), the concert did not disappoint. Yeah, AC is no longer talented or relevant – but I get the sense that he knows it, which makes this whole “After Party” tour thing OK in my book. If you have any interest in Aaron, blonde hair, dancing, Shaquille O’Neal, nostalgia, and / or Bar Mitzvahs, you should probably read about the 6 things I learned at AC’s concert:

1) His dance moves haven’t changed.
All of his sweet moves are the same as they were in 2000… with the addition of some sexual hip thrusts and floor humping. But the classic boy-band-esque gestures (i.e. stepping side to side whilst making the “numbah 1” hand signal)? Still around!

2) He still loves Shaq.
I didn’t realize this until I was scrolling back through the 50+ blurry iPhone pictures the next day, but Aaron was rocking a #34 Lakers jersey for the second half of his set – in honor of his man Shaquille O’Neal, obviously. For those of you who aren’t familiar with da big AC, Carter released a song on his Aaron’s Party (Come Get It) 2001 album called “That’s How I Beat Shaq.” The lyrics go: “It’s like boom (boom) / I put it in the hoop like slam (slam) / I heard the crowd screaming out jam (jam) / I swear that I’m telling you the facts / Cuz that’s how I beat Shaq.” Basically, in an attempt to impress the 14-year-old biddies, wee Carter created an elaborate story in which he beat the famous basketball star in a one-on-one game. As if, AC. (My point is: he was wearing a Shaq jersey, it was cool, and it made me nostalgic.)

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Time-waster of the day: January 25, 2013

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLN_ka1ZSDg

Ready to have your childhood ruined revamped?

The lost episode of Dexter’s Lab just popped up on YouTube yesterday, and it’s everything you could want. DeeDee (or should I say, “DEEDEE!”) up to her antics, Dexter’s silly accent, and shenanigans on shenanigans.

If you’re feeling old because “Ignition” just turned 10, watch this for your daily fix of nostalgia. All I need now is a Pokemon booster pack and a packet of Gushers.

Via.

 


Once a Kacheek, always a Kacheek, man.

Shit We Love: Neopets (i.e., the reason why we’ll fail most of our finals)

Once a Kacheek, always a Kacheek, man.

Now that reading period is in full swing, what better time is there to take a trip down memory lane to the good old days? Answer: there are probably a lot of better times. For some reason, we decided to create a new account to revisit the magical world that consumed (and for some of us, defined) our adolescence. Considering this Kacheek’s intelligence is currently average, we have nothing to lose!  Continue Reading


Nostalgia Trip: Remember when these cartoons were considered kid-friendly?

As Halloween is today and October, Blog’s unofficial Nostalgia Month, comes to a close, we thought we’d take a moment to appreciate HOW FUCKING CREEPY cartoons were in our childhoods. We went down memory lane, remembering all those nights when we slept with one eye open after watching Cartoon Network or a Disney Channel Original Movie that was a bit too dark. Then we thought… how the fuck was this considered suitable for children?! From inappropriate jokes to villains that occasionally still haunt us, here are some memorable spooks from the TV of yesteryear.

Invader Zim

S1E4: Dark Harvest
Firstly, I would like to point out that the creator of Invader Zim is also the the author of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac which features the exploits of, you guessed it, a homicidal maniac. In this particular episode Zim, an alien hidden among a human elementary school class, is afraid that his identity will be revealed. In order to convince everyone of his humanness, he systematically steals organs from the other children until he is gorged with squishy spleens. A cute touch is when a roll of small intestines pops out of Zim’s mouth and he slurps it back.

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