Who you should root for in Super Bowl 50

The Super Bowl is upon us yet again (sans Roman numerals this time) and odds are your favorite team won’t be there. This Sunday you will sit amidst plates of soggy, microwaved nachos, bitter Patriots fans, and the inevitable corny election-themed Super Bowl commercials, thinking about all the what-ifs. What if only Andy Dalton hadn’t gotten hurt? What if only Green Bay had won the coin toss against Arizona? What if Blair Walsh hadn’t missed the 27 yard field goal that a fat mechanic could have made?

Well, what if you could just suck it up, realize that only two teams can make the Super Bowl every year, and enjoy the game? Here are some reasons to root for either team. Take your pick.

Reasons to Root for the Denver Broncos

Broncos-cover

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Left Shark at Brown

The best part of the Superbowl, besides when the Patriots MURDERED the Seahawks on the biggest stage and on the biggest play, was Left Shark.

Left Shark stole the half time show from Katy Perry, Missy Eliott and Lenny “Biggest Scarf In the World” Kravitz, and went viral. Since I only blog about hard hitting news, I decided to tackle the idea of the Left Shark as a student at Brown.

Screen Shot

= .25 x Left Shark (I am not a math concentrator)

Where would Left Shark live?

Left Shark couldn’t live in any of the freshman dorms because the water pressure is too low and a shark could not survive in a Keeney or Andrews bathroom. Trust me, I have tested this (R.I.P. Simon, my hammerhead friend). To be safe, Left Shark would live in the pool in Nelson because he is a shark and sharks live in water… no brainer. Also, realistically, Left Shark would eat any given roommate.

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Masshole* Super Bowl Reaction

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*You are a Masshole when: you are from Massachusetts, you would name your first born Tom no matter the gender, your favorite movies are The Departed and The Departed (pronounced Dehpahted), you refer to NYC as that place with giant rats and tight jeans, you have a Bruins logo tattooed on one ass cheek and Celtics logo tattooed on the other, and Matt Damon is your God.

I said it. I believed it. I called it. The Pats were going to win the Super Bowl. I predicted the Pats to win 100-0, which was obviously ridiculous, but us Massholes have no shame and no humility, so you really can’t blame me for such an outlandish claim. In actuality, I’m not surprised it was such a close game. The Seahawks are a fantastic team, with a scary defense and a powerhouse running game. They dominated the Super Bowl stage last year and emasculated Peyton Manning and his lack of chin (I hate you Peyton, I hate you so much you thumb-looking chump). Yet, no matter how good the Seahawks were, the Patriots bundled them in front of a billion people. Before I finish bragging, there are a lot of questions and distractions leading up to the Super Bowl that I want to quickly address.

Q: Did they deflate the balls?

A: No, what a stupid rumor. Anyone who believes this is an egg head. EGG HEAD! I have never believed in anything more than the proper firmness of Brady’s balls (footballs, jeez–get your head out of the gutter).

Q: Why doesn’t Marshawn Lynch talk to the media?

A: Who cares!!!!! He is the best running back in football. When you can run through a wall ten times a game then you can not talk to the media. Until then, SHUT UP!

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This week in sports: A cheat-sheet for non-fans

ortiz

Have you ever:

1. Yelled “TOUCHDOWN!” after the Red Sox hit a home run?

2. Become more excited about the Super Bowl commercials than the actual game?

3. Asked how many innings there are in a basketball game?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, pay attention because you’re not completely hopeless yet.

For many people, following sports is a religion. They memorize every stat, every play, and know everything there is to know about the players on their favorite team. A large number of people, however, couldn’t care less about who is in the World Series or who is ranked #1 in college football. Unfortunately, this can put those people in tough spots when surrounded by drunk guys at a bar who can’t stop talking about Tom Brady. But don’t worry, you’re in luck. Here at the BlogDailyHerald, we care about the well-being of all students, so we created a quick cheat-sheet for what has been happening in the sports world.

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