Frost nips at your cheeks, the leaves color and die,
Sure signs that All Hallows’ Eve draws nigh.
So come closer my child, come sit next to me,
And I’ll tell you the story of one haunted university.
The school is called Brown, nothing more, nothing less.
The students one and all live in peace without stress.
But one time each year, on Halloween night,
All joy flies away, chased out by pure fright.
In University Hall ghosts and ghouls await
All who come through Van Wickle’s gate.
Paranormal apparitions from the windows do stare
So be careful, I say, and tread always with care.
Ghosts are not the only freaks at this school,
In the SciLi basement trolls holler and drool.
And Keeney, too, oh woe is me!
Such terrible vampires I never did see!
In Andrews terrible tales are etched on the wall
Of students who had such heedless gall.
Students like poor old Vincent and Pat,
Who the witches nabbed and cooked in a vat.
After sundown Wriston is a bad place to be,
The goblins will snag whoever they see.
And if they catch you they’ll be filled with glee
To sprinkle you on tomorrow’s chicken potpourri.
So, my child, this Halloween when you’re out,
Eat your garlic and choose a safe route.
And when you’re filled with fright and sensations queer,
Know that spirits of another world are near.
It’s here, Brunonia: That day that makes you feel, depending on your relationship status, either more self-conscious or more hot-and-bothered than when your calculus TA checked you out at SexPowerGod.
For you lucky ones who have found that significant other at Brown, V-Day is a lot of pressure. What could you possibly do to show your loved one that there’s no one you’d rather be spending the big day with besides your Neopet Chomby? Chocolates are classic, but it will be obvious you got them with flex points at Little Jo’s. And if you’re broke and blew all your points on Spindrifts in the first week, that Valentine’s Day dinner will be less romantic on meal credits at the Ratty. But don’t worry, I have the perfect solution for you struggling souls. I’ve put together a love poem that describes just how deep your love goes, Brown style, with a lot of a little help from RhymeZone.com. I guarantee that if you read your loved one this poem, while standing on top of the bear statue on the Main Green accompanied by an a capella group, you will end up getting married (well, there’s a 60% chance if you both live in Perkins). Interpretive dance moves encouraged—maybe get some tips from the Poler Bears. Go out there and spread the Brunonian love.
You’re spicier than a Jo’s Spicy With
And classier than a Darwin’s fifth
You’re sweeter than V-Dub soft serve
And ENGN9’s grading curve
You’re sexier than SexPowerGod
And streaking across Wriston Quad
You’re more entertaining than the Blue Room on Sundays
Watching hungover chicks drink double shot lattés
You’re more distinct than an S with distinction
And watching a Bruno sports team win
You’re better than free Kabob & Curry
And getting first pick in the housing lottery
You’re wilder than the SciLi challenge
And the end-of-semester flex point binge
You’re chiller than the BroPo on 4/20
And Spring Weekend day-drinking when it’s finally sunny
You’re classier than that Thayer street walk of shame
The morning after Whisko can’t remember his name
You’re crazier than all this shit that goes down
You’re better than the best of Brown.
If that doesn’t get your loved one climbing the bear statue to be with you, I don’t know what will. Feel free to add your own verses based on inside jokes and experiences, like “You’re hotter than when we did it on the Sayles organ / And sorry for that time I yelled ‘Oh, Piers Morgan!'”