BREAKING: Malia Obama to visit Brown next week


Those spending Spring Break in Providence, be woeful no more. No longer will you have to deal with the nagging brags of your homebound friends, or plug your ears when someone talks about vacationing in CaboPuntaCanaCancunPuertoRico.

And why, you may ask? Because the FDOTUS is coming to town.

In case you’re unfamiliar with this acronym (which you should be, considering I made it up), FDOTUS stands for: “First Daughter Of the United States.” And if we’re using lineage as a metric here, the “First” daughter of the presidential family could only refer to the one and only… Malia Obama. As many of you may have heard, in the past few months she has been gracing various East Coast schools with her presence. Though Dad has not been accompanying her, supposedly the First Lady has frequently joined her daughter on the college tour trail.

According to GoLocalProv News, Malia is scheduled to visit our humble College Hill abode next week. That’s right, all you spring breakers: you’ll be bikini-clad, but you also may miss out on a potential sighting of Presidential royalty. Damn, that’ll be a lucky tour guide. If she chooses to attend Brown, Malia would be the third child of a President to do so, following in the footsteps of Amy Carter and John Kennedy Jr.

Though the article claims that “according to sources, neither the First Lady nor the President is expected to accompany Malia on the trip to Providence,” we may still keep our fingers crossed that they decide to leave the District for a brief respite in icy scenic Providence.

So if I were you, I would reconsider going to that all-inclusive resort and vacation in Faunce instead. Just think – you could easily sustain yourself for a week with Blue Room muffins and the Leung Gallery couches. Who needs the sun? [Ed: Wouldn’t you rather see the daughter? (It’s a pun.)]

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