The ubiquitous chair. The companion of human laziness since chairs were referred to as “sitting things.” They were around even before the first human to ever sit, ever sat. Probably.
But if only they could speak. Oh, the stories they’d tell.
Luckily, while I was pulling an all-nighter for a midterm, a chair started talking to me.
If you thought Brown students were cool, wait till you hear what Brown chairs have to say.
Me: “So, Mr. Chair, how is it like being a chair?”
Chair: *shivers* “All this booty..”
Me: “Do you have a name?”
Chair: “All this booty.”
Chair: “Sorry about that. Booty got me day-dreamin’.
I guess it’s not all that bad. It pays the bills.
The name’s Fred, by the way.”
Me: “Okay, Fred. Can you stop talking about butts?
My audience may not approve.”
Fred: “Uhm. Rude. It’s literally on my mind every day.
So excuse me.”
Me: “I’m so–”
Fred: “And you know what’s worse?
I’m not even into butts! People just don’t seem to get it.”
Me: “Can I j–”
Fred: “Standing is a social construct.”