(Facebook) relationships are hard, and breakups are harder

twophones

Facebook is testing a new feature, which supposedly allows you to “manage your interactions with your ex.” What does that mean? Among other things, you can control how often you see your old flame in your newsfeed, message bars and suggested tags, all without them knowing. 

An electronic way to get over your ex on FB may sound stupid and childish, but admit it: things were way easier before you were basically prompted to follow their every move. If you have been constantly searching for and interacting with, say Christina Paxson, and then things go sour when you find out she’s married, Facebook won’t know that. Internet suggestions function on algorithms, so for all the website thinks, CPax and you are still tight. It will keep on asking you to tag her in stuff even though it is breaking your heart! Eventually, the algorithms would take into account your lack of interaction with her, and she would stop flooding your interface.

Now, instead of waiting for time to heal all stalking habits, FB and you can finally have the dialogue where you say, “Mark Zuckerberg, you just don’t get it, I can’t look at them right now.”

Sounds pretty great, right? Unfortunately, there’s a catch. This development is only at its testing stage for US mobile users, so the relationship had to have been FB official before the feature can be applied. Oh gosh, who has heard of someone’s relationship being sanctified by the grace of Facebook post the tenth grade?

For the sake of journalism (a BlogDH way of saying “an excuse for all of our dumb antics”), we knew what we had to do. Two random bloggers would have to throw it back to their early teens, enter a fake relationship on Facebook, publicly break up, and then explore this feature in first person, on their phones.

 

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A brief guide to Senior Scramble

The dead of winter immediately after holiday sweets may not seem like the ideal time for romantic intrigue, but for some of the student body, bulky coats and indoor dates are going to have to do.

Snow suits

An outfit that could never fail to stir the heart

For the uninitiated, “Senior Scramble” describes the phenomenon that occurs when a student (hereafter referred to as the Scrambler) beginning their last semester of college realizes that they live in a place full of interesting and attractive people who are close to the Scrambler’s age and part of their social circle (if only loosely), and that this utopia will cease to exist for the Scrambler within five months’ time. In response to this alarming realization, the Scrambler must throw caution to the wind and act on any attractions they have harbored but never had the courage to pursue. Senior Scramble is a social adrenaline rush; the knowledge that you’ll never have another chance to talk to that unfairly attractive person you had a class with sophomore year is galvanizing. We can’t all be the cure for Alex Turner’s January blues, but we can do something about our own. Here are a few tips and recommendations to help you get in the correct mindset for this semester.

(Note: I’m assuming your crush is single, or that you have no knowledge of their relationship status at all. If you’re attempting to get Jessie’s girl, that’s an entirely different game. I don’t feel I can wish you good luck, scoundrel, but I won’t wish you ill fortune either.)

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First date or job interview? The similarities may surprise you.

We’re in the heat of internship season, which means hours of internship searches, resume edits, and interview preparation. Valentine’s Day has come and gone and the next holiday that suggests gift-giving/relationship-labeling is far away, which means it’s also a perfect time to catch a few first dates.

In the midst of studying for midterms, prepping for the interview, and finding a suitable outfit, you may find yourself dazed and confused to the point that you’re asking yourself, “Is this an interview… or a date?” While the two have different stakes at hand, the processes are eerily similar. Check out the diagram below to decide whether you’re grabbing coffee with a romantic interest or a future employer.

dateinterview


A Bittersweet Valentine’s Day

Chocolates

With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, those of us who aren’t in relationships that’ll include roses or romantic restaurants are left to consider our independence singlehood. Some can embrace it and defy the conventions of the “holiday.” Some can choose to treat themselves and celebrate the life of a bachelor. Or, some can choose to be bitter, grab a box of chocolates, and compare each one to a failed past relationship/hook-up/awkward in-between encounter.

So, grab a drink and a red cellophane wrapped box of CVS chocolates, and indulge in the bittersweet moments of your romantic past that have led you to this moment. Refer to this guide if you’re unfamiliar with the types of chocolates in the variety sampler boxes.

  1. Coconut – Biting into this one, you can’t help but be left with an aftertaste of Malibu Rum. You hearken back to the days of waiting in line on Wriston to find yourself smacking face with someone who lives down the hall. Indulge me with a toast to freshman year hookups.
  2. “Messenger Boy” – This is just the plain piece of milk chocolate. Haven’t we all had that one person who’s just plain bland? Sure, they’ll answer your poorly spelled text message at 2 a.m., but when you’re eating breakfast at the Ratty the next morning, you realize they’re as dry as the toast on your plate.
  3. Almond Nougat – While it looks like all the other chocolates, this one is “a bit longer and more squared than anything else.” As you eat this one, you remind yourself to pat yourself on the back to the one time you hooked up with the person of your dreams. They’re the one you brag about to your friends when sharing saucy stories.
  4. Cherry Cordial – You either like them or you don’t. With a center of a overly sweet glazed cherry, you can’t help but remember the clingy relationship. Now, as you’re halfway through the box, you kick yourself in the foot because you let go of someone who wanted you. Another drink.
  5. Molasses Chew – Drizzled with white chocolate, this chocolate stands out from the rest. The unique decadence of this treat reminds you of your fantasy crushes. They can be celebrities (i.e. Jonathan Groff or Allison Williams) or people you not so secretly write Brown Admirers posts about. While you may not ever be with them, you can definitely have your way with this piece of chocolate.
  6. Pecan Walnut Cluster – As delicious as chocolates and nuts are together, the ‘nuttiness’ of it all takes you back to that one crazy relationship. Take it in stride and brush away troubled relationships that ended on a bad note. Caution: Make sure you spot this one out right away if you have a peanut allergy.
  7. Chocolate Whip – This is my personal favorite, and it’s a nice way to end the trip down your romantic Rolodex. It’s nice and fluffy, airy and sweet. It reminds you to take your breakups and failures lightly. Laugh about them a little. For what it’s worth, you’ve gathered a box full of chocolates stories to share and reminisce on.

On second thought, I’ll pour myself another round and start on the only chocolates I got this year. Thanks, Mom.

Image via.


How Not to be a Freshman: Let’s just be friends

About a month ago, readers, a fling of mine ended.  Now, this courtship lasted a month, which is pretty good for me considering my less than ideal track record.  I have no hard feelings towards this guy and we even decided to “just be friends.” Now, I’ve had guys say that to me before but, it always means something different.  I’ve even used that line once or twice and not meant exactly what I said. Anyways, it got me thinking, What does that saying mean? 

“Let’s just be friends…because I don’t want to feel like a complete jerk.”  Aaah, yes.  I’ve even been guilty of using those four little words as a way to ease my own conscience.  Rejection, as we all know, sucks.  It sucks when you’re rejecting someone and it’s a bummer when you’re rejected.  Pulling the “friends” card enables us to lighten the burden of breaking a heart.  It’s an easier way of saying goodbye.

“Let’s just be friends…because I want to still keep my options open.”  This is an ulterior motive if I’ve ever seen one.  If your significant other is unsure of his/her feelings but does have a genuine interest in you, saying those four words enables him/her to explore their options while keeping you close by. How convenient. To me, this is basically an “open relationship” and we all know those never turn out well. Continue Reading


BlogDH is now single.

From a study of over 10,ooo Facebook status updates, we are able to learn crucial information about just when we can anticipate a break up.

This graph demonstrates when throughout the year those relationship status changes appeared on your newsfeed.

Mathias Mikkelsen / mathiasmikkelsen.com

Notable trends:

— Right before spring break, hold onto your man. Cancun is, based on the data, a big incentive to live the single life

— Just another Manic Monday. Remember what accidentally happened over the weekend? Yeah that’s gonna be a factor — break ups peak early in the week.

— Christmas Day is the safest day of the entire year — but if you can make it to that point. Break ups skyrocket in the weeks leading up to the holiday season. An aversion to buying presents, perhaps?

— Don’t let your roommates have your Facebook password anymore. April Fool’s Day sees a spike.