Left Shark at Brown

The best part of the Superbowl, besides when the Patriots MURDERED the Seahawks on the biggest stage and on the biggest play, was Left Shark.

Left Shark stole the half time show from Katy Perry, Missy Eliott and Lenny “Biggest Scarf In the World” Kravitz, and went viral. Since I only blog about hard hitting news, I decided to tackle the idea of the Left Shark as a student at Brown.

Screen Shot

= .25 x Left Shark (I am not a math concentrator)

Where would Left Shark live?

Left Shark couldn’t live in any of the freshman dorms because the water pressure is too low and a shark could not survive in a Keeney or Andrews bathroom. Trust me, I have tested this (R.I.P. Simon, my hammerhead friend). To be safe, Left Shark would live in the pool in Nelson because he is a shark and sharks live in water… no brainer. Also, realistically, Left Shark would eat any given roommate.

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Masshole* Super Bowl Reaction

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*You are a Masshole when: you are from Massachusetts, you would name your first born Tom no matter the gender, your favorite movies are The Departed and The Departed (pronounced Dehpahted), you refer to NYC as that place with giant rats and tight jeans, you have a Bruins logo tattooed on one ass cheek and Celtics logo tattooed on the other, and Matt Damon is your God.

I said it. I believed it. I called it. The Pats were going to win the Super Bowl. I predicted the Pats to win 100-0, which was obviously ridiculous, but us Massholes have no shame and no humility, so you really can’t blame me for such an outlandish claim. In actuality, I’m not surprised it was such a close game. The Seahawks are a fantastic team, with a scary defense and a powerhouse running game. They dominated the Super Bowl stage last year and emasculated Peyton Manning and his lack of chin (I hate you Peyton, I hate you so much you thumb-looking chump). Yet, no matter how good the Seahawks were, the Patriots bundled them in front of a billion people. Before I finish bragging, there are a lot of questions and distractions leading up to the Super Bowl that I want to quickly address.

Q: Did they deflate the balls?

A: No, what a stupid rumor. Anyone who believes this is an egg head. EGG HEAD! I have never believed in anything more than the proper firmness of Brady’s balls (footballs, jeez–get your head out of the gutter).

Q: Why doesn’t Marshawn Lynch talk to the media?

A: Who cares!!!!! He is the best running back in football. When you can run through a wall ten times a game then you can not talk to the media. Until then, SHUT UP!

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