Sextion: Your sex life, as explained by Halloween candy

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When trying to determine which aspect of Halloween I wanted to write about for this week’s Sextion post, I was distraught as all hell. The former Sextion columnists absolutely killed it in the costume department: if you need to know what not to wear if you want to hook up with someone this Halloweekend, what sex your costume will inspire, and what your costume says about your sexuality, check them out! 

What could I write about, though? A Halloween-themed Sextion post seemed hopeless until it hit me: candy. Candy’s the part of Halloween you cared the most about when you were a little kid, but nowadays it seems to take the backseat to sexy costumes and partying (ugh).

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However, candy, often ignored in the college Halloween scene, can be sexy and fun, too! So, in honor of this holiday’s real star, here is your sex life as explained by Halloween candies:

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M&Ms: A dime a dozen, not that interesting, and slightly unsatisfying, M&Ms are missionary. However, you can eat about a million of these without ever getting bored, so maybe I should cut M&Ms/missionary some slack.

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Lifesavers: Lifesavers are the end of a long sexual dry spell. Let’s agree that that much needed hookup just might’ve saved your life/sanity

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Airheads: Airheads are a little strange (their texture? their shape? their colors?) till you realize how AMAZING they are. You know what else seems weird until you get the hang of it? High sex.

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Oh Henry!s: Clearly, “Ohhhhhhhh” Henrys are great sex with a guy named Henry. Unfortunately, like these candy bars, which I have literally never laid eyes upon before, Henrys are fairly hard to find in this day and age. If only they were called “Oh Mike!”s or “Oh Matt!”s!

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Take 5: When the sex is so bomb you need to take a 5 minute break.

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SweeTarts: SweeTarts are sex with your high school sweetheart. Sadly, just as you slowly realize that you’ve outgrown that relationship, you also eventually come to the understanding that Sweetarts are low-key gross.

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Snickers: Snickers are when you have an awkward moment while hooking up (such as not being able to get your partner’s clothes off or accidentally bumping teeth while aggressively making out), but you’re both awesome enough to giggle it off and continue.

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Sour Patch Kids: What do Sour Patch Kids have in common with hate sex? First they’re sour, then they’re sweet.

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3 Musketeers: The makers of this candy bar are just begging me to point out its obvious threesome nature. You kinky musketeers you.636_butterfinger2_apgButterfingers: I almost didn’t include this one because it’s so obvious. Clearly, Butterfingers, my favorite candy bar, would be fingering, my favorite form of foreplay.

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Mr. Goodbar: Mr. Goodbar knows how to treat a lady, if you know what I mean.

I hope I ruined the childlike innocence of some of your favorite Halloween candies. Now go have an awesome Halloweekend, Brunonia!

Love,

Demi

Images via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, via, and via.


Sextion: What the hell does your sex dream mean?

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Hey guys,

Consumed by all of the hustle and bustle of midterms, it’s a wonder you’re getting any sleep at all—let alone sleeping long enough to have sex dreams! But, if you’re like me, you’re having them anyway! So let’s decode those sex dreams, Brunonia.

Dreaming of… sex with an ex:

You’re almost certainly just sorting through some old unresolved feelings. Give it some reflection and move on with your life (and in your sex dreams).

“But Demiiiiii, it was really good dream-sex and I think I maybe want to get back together with them.”

Just don’t. It never works out. You broke up for a good reason!
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Dreaming of… cheating on your significant other in the SciLi 00 decibels area:

If you’ve been dreaming of cheating, not only are you feeling unsatisfied with you and your S.O.’s sex life, but you are also quite confident in your ability to have sex completely unnoticed in a (fairly quiet) public place. I say combine these two in real life and make it a win-win?

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Letter from the EIC: Purchasing Chinese sex toys

BlogDailyHerald gets some pretty weird spam. A little over a year ago, we received a polite email from a “sex toys manufacturer in DongGuan city of China,” offering to fufill any of our varied sex toy needs. Our now Editor-in-Chief, who was interested in the possibility of purchasing adult toys from DongGuan, decidedly engaged in thoughtful email correspondence with Winy, the salesman from Leaslo Sex Toys co.ltd. What better way to prepare for Valentine’s Day, the most romantic of holidays, than read the exchange of questions and information between a curious editor and his faithful sex toy supplier? We now present to you, “Re: i am interested in your audlt massager toy.”

 

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Dear sir:
This is Winy kong from lealso sex toys co.ltd.

Lealso international sex toys.co.,ltd is a professional adult products, sex toys manufacturer in DongGuan city of China. Experienced in design & manufacture of sex toys. Our current flagship products include vibrating eggs, vibrators, massagers, dildos, vibrating cock rings, anal toys, masturbate cups, and man & woman sex toys

we have experienced design team and skilled workers in this line, so if you have any need in this kind of product, please contact us, i will offer you our best price
Looking forward your inquiry with detailed request

Best regards
Winy kong

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A brief guide to Senior Scramble

The dead of winter immediately after holiday sweets may not seem like the ideal time for romantic intrigue, but for some of the student body, bulky coats and indoor dates are going to have to do.

Snow suits

An outfit that could never fail to stir the heart

For the uninitiated, “Senior Scramble” describes the phenomenon that occurs when a student (hereafter referred to as the Scrambler) beginning their last semester of college realizes that they live in a place full of interesting and attractive people who are close to the Scrambler’s age and part of their social circle (if only loosely), and that this utopia will cease to exist for the Scrambler within five months’ time. In response to this alarming realization, the Scrambler must throw caution to the wind and act on any attractions they have harbored but never had the courage to pursue. Senior Scramble is a social adrenaline rush; the knowledge that you’ll never have another chance to talk to that unfairly attractive person you had a class with sophomore year is galvanizing. We can’t all be the cure for Alex Turner’s January blues, but we can do something about our own. Here are a few tips and recommendations to help you get in the correct mindset for this semester.

(Note: I’m assuming your crush is single, or that you have no knowledge of their relationship status at all. If you’re attempting to get Jessie’s girl, that’s an entirely different game. I don’t feel I can wish you good luck, scoundrel, but I won’t wish you ill fortune either.)

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Sextion: Sex (during Reading) Period

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When you’re stressed out, what’s your coping mechanism? We all know that inhaling several slices of pizza can be a great temporary relief, but have you ever thought about sex as a study break option?

If you’ve spent all day hunched over a desk trying to cram as much into your brain as possible, chances are, sitting on Reddit for half an hour before crashing in bed is not going to give you the kind of release your body needs.

You need something that stretches out your muscles, gets your mind off of school, and gives you serious endorphins. You could always go to the gym, but let’s be real; none of the gyms are open when you’re done with the night’s work. Plus, nothing helps you fall asleep like a nice trip to O-Town.

In addition to the short-term gratification, sex has some serious long-term benefits for your reading period health:

For those of you non-bio concentrators, just so you know, oxytocin is an awesome hormone and has some serious credentials when it comes to reducing stress. It reduces cortisol, a hormone that is released in response to stress. If your body is not given the opportunity to decompress, that cortisol does not go away. It then continues to build up until eventually your body falls into a cycle of chronic stress.  Unlike endorphins, you aren’t going to get a shot of oxytocin from running on a treadmill because your body releases it when you experience physical contact with another person. It helps you feel more comfortable and secure and puts a serious dent in the levels of cortisol circulating in your bloodstream.

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Healthy living, as told by Health Services brochures

Health Services can get bogged down treating all of the students on campus, particularly during cold season, which seems to extend from September to May. Some people have experienced a longer than preferred sit in the waiting area whilst picking up a prescription or prior to a doctor’s appointment, but you also may have noticed the wide array of informative pamphlets available for pleasure reading. While waiting for the doctor, we have looked through almost all of the pamphlets, and, in classic BlogDH fashion, are providing you with a top-notch summary. Here’s what you might’ve missed if you’ve never visited a nurse/live in a plastic bubble.

Nutrition

1. You should ingest around 2300mg of salt per day, or one teaspoon. For terrifying, college-relevant reference, 1/2 a block of prepared Ramen noodles is between 800 and 900mg of sodium, 1 tablespoon of soy sauce is 1000 mg, and an extra crispy fried chicken breast (a healthier alternative to a spicy with) is 1010mg. Basically, say goodbye to the easiest Sans Meal Plan dinner, the toppings on your pho at Andrews Commons, and the entirety of Jo’s.
2. When you add more fiber to your diet, you should also drink more water to help the fiber move through your digestive system.
3. If you are a vegetarian who eats dairy products and eggs, you are a lacto-ovo-vegetarian. That means lacto-vegetarians (who do not eat eggs but do eat dairy), and vegans will have a superiority complex around you.

A History Lesson in Alcohol

1. The first beer brewed in colonial America was made from maize by settlers in Roanoke Colony, Virginia, in 1587. No wonder they mysteriously disappeared—they were all shitfaced.
2. The first law against alcohol consumption in America was set in 1623 in Virginia.
3. Beer is believed to have been made in Ancient Babylonia circa 5000 B.C.

Let us all remember that the only thing that gets a drink out of your system is time – approximately 1 hour per drink.

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