When trying to determine which aspect of Halloween I wanted to write about for this week’s Sextion post, I was distraught as all hell. The former Sextion columnists absolutely killed it in the costume department: if you need to know what not to wear if you want to hook up with someone this Halloweekend, what sex your costume will inspire, and what your costume says about your sexuality, check them out!
What could I write about, though? A Halloween-themed Sextion post seemed hopeless until it hit me: candy. Candy’s the part of Halloween you cared the most about when you were a little kid, but nowadays it seems to take the backseat to sexy costumes and partying (ugh).
However, candy, often ignored in the college Halloween scene, can be sexy and fun, too! So, in honor of this holiday’s real star, here is your sex life as explained by Halloween candies:
M&Ms: A dime a dozen, not that interesting, and slightly unsatisfying, M&Ms are missionary. However, you can eat about a million of these without ever getting bored, so maybe I should cut M&Ms/missionary some slack.
Lifesavers: Lifesavers are the end of a long sexual dry spell. Let’s agree that that much needed hookup just might’ve saved your life/sanity
Airheads: Airheads are a little strange (their texture? their shape? their colors?) till you realize how AMAZING they are. You know what else seems weird until you get the hang of it? High sex.
Oh Henry!s: Clearly, “Ohhhhhhhh” Henrys are great sex with a guy named Henry. Unfortunately, like these candy bars, which I have literally never laid eyes upon before, Henrys are fairly hard to find in this day and age. If only they were called “Oh Mike!”s or “Oh Matt!”s!
Take 5: When the sex is so bomb you need to take a 5 minute break.
SweeTarts: SweeTarts are sex with your high school sweetheart. Sadly, just as you slowly realize that you’ve outgrown that relationship, you also eventually come to the understanding that Sweetarts are low-key gross.
Snickers: Snickers are when you have an awkward moment while hooking up (such as not being able to get your partner’s clothes off or accidentally bumping teeth while aggressively making out), but you’re both awesome enough to giggle it off and continue.
Sour Patch Kids: What do Sour Patch Kids have in common with hate sex? First they’re sour, then they’re sweet.
3 Musketeers: The makers of this candy bar are just begging me to point out its obvious threesome nature. You kinky musketeers you.Butterfingers: I almost didn’t include this one because it’s so obvious. Clearly, Butterfingers, my favorite candy bar, would be fingering, my favorite form of foreplay.
Mr. Goodbar: Mr. Goodbar knows how to treat a lady, if you know what I mean.
I hope I ruined the childlike innocence of some of your favorite Halloween candies. Now go have an awesome Halloweekend, Brunonia!