How Not to be a Freshman: The one where I take a walk

Hello Brunonians! I’m Luna Lovebad and I’m here to impart wisdom on how not to be a freshman.  Every week, I’ll be sharing some of my experiences with you: some posts will be painfully embarrassing, others heartfelt and sincere—but they’re all for your enjoyment. Each week, read along as I describe my bewilderment, happiness, and awe during my tumultuous and hopefully memorable first year at Brown.  

It’s 10:30 on a Sunday morning and I’m walking along Thayer in the same clothes I wore last night.  Most people would describe this simple meandering as the Walk of Shame. I was privileged to experience this event, considered a rite of passage in most colleges, my first weekend at Brown.  The late morning air was chilly on my shoulders (I rejected my suitor’s oh so gallant offer to wear his sweatshirt) and I had to walk home with a map pulled up on my iPhone.  With each step I took, I fell deeper into my thoughts.  How did I get here?  What am I doing?

My night started 12 hours earlier on the porch of my dorm’s favorite frat.  I saw—let’s call him “the Elusive Jew”—from across the sticky, beer-spattered lawn.  I broke out the “I’m shy and approachable” glance and, soon enough, I was partaking in a casual, albeit slightly boring conversation about random things I didn’t really care about. Usually a reserved girl, I was not planning to embark on such a scandalous sexcapade, but I soon realized he was reserving a place in his single room for me.  I figured “YOLO” and I knew he was thinking “L’Chaim.”

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Sextion: From the silver screen to Browntown

Let’s face it: sex in the movies very infrequently, if ever, accurately depicts what goes on in the average bedroom. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a sucker for movie sex scenes; the more sex a movie portrays, the better. But perhaps the best part about most of the sex scenes in popular movies is the fact that they are completely fantastical— they would never, or more accurately, could never, occur in real life. Robert Pattinson, for example, describes the sex scene in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn as physically impossible, and compares it to planking for an extended period of time. This is just simply not how sex is in the real world.

In the real world, sex can be awkward. Sometimes your hair gets in your (or your partner’s) face, your foot gets caught on something, you have a cramp in your side, you finish early, you sweat. But these things never seem to be addressed on the big screen. It is very hard to navigate your own body’s happenings while simultaneously trying to navigate someone else’s. Real bodies are awkward. Brad Pitt’s body is never awkward. Very infrequently do we see a movie in which a couple “takes it slow”, addresses their likes/dislikes, or even laughs in the bedroom. In real life, communication is key.

Clearly, it is impossible to have sexual experiences equivalent to those that are depicted on screen. But it certainly is fun to try. Five famous movie sex scenes and how you can attempt to accomplish them right here at Brown after the jump.

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