SexPowerGod. The apex of sexual expression and unleashed sin. An event cherished by Brunonians. I asked seniors to reflect on that cold November night of yesteryear. Based on an unscientific sample of mostly my friends, not a single senior reported what I thought they would say of SPG like “It was awesome!” or “Best night of my four years at Brown.” Instead, this is what I heard:

“I thought it was going to be a crazy time. I wore a cape and underwear. I danced with some people but I think [I] mostly felt awkward and didn’t make out with anyone and walked around a lot.”

“It was kind of a hot mess and the debauchery was something everyone was expecting but also unexpectedly made everyone feel gross about it afterwards.”

“I was excited as I got dressed for it. But all I remember of the event was thinking, ‘Why are there so many boners in my butt?’”

One message unites all of these stories: the discrepancy between expectations and reality. Everyone has huge expectations for SexPowerGod and for good reason – for Power’s sake, you have to camp out for it! It’s the closest thing Brown will get to Fox news fame (if you don’t count Bobby Jindal). But all this hype leaves much to be desired. [Read more →]

Curious about the photo?

Halloween is no longer a holiday of ghosts and witches. Instead, we have created a holiday for hoes and betches. The astute observer will notice that come the 31^st of October, while the boys on our campus choose something snarky, stupid, or just plain Snooki, a large portion of Brown’s female population uses Halloween to expose as much skin as possible.

Some people think this is a terrific trend toward gender equality. It’s all about choice, say pop culture feminists like Jessica Valenti, author of The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity is Hurting Young Women (2010). Valenti opposes what she calls the “moral panic” over casual sex and open sexuality. If my roommate feels empowered in a Sexy Cop outfit, then let her be! Embracing her choice brings us closer to a more equal world. Work it, ladies!

Others disagree. Conservative bloggers like Susan Walsh argue that young women are actually doing themselves more harm than good by leaving their dorms in outfits only appropriate for the bedroom. These authors begin with the assumption that all women my age want to be in long-term committed relationships. (For a hilariously scary post, check out Susan Walsh’s blog – bottom line: if you don’t have a boyfriend, you’re a huge failure.) By dressing to imitate porn stars, say these conservative women, we are letting men write the rules by giving them what they’ve demanded for millennia – sex without commitment.

I’m not so sure about either of these arguments. [Read more →]

As a species, we’re the masters of adapting. Simply put, if we’re not evolving, we’re dying. Looking back on my last three years at Brown, I can say with certainty that I’ve grown up a great deal. All my friends have, too. There’s no question that people have the capacity to mature. But in romantic relationships, is it worth it to stay around, waiting for someone to change?

To explore this question, I want to go back to the beginning. Before I was even born. My mother spent ten years waiting as my father fed her excuses…He was too young to settle down. She wasn’t Jewish. He didn’t know if he’d ever get married. It wasn’t the right time. He wanted to see other people. Needless to say, my mother suffered a great deal. But as she recounts, he was the one. So she stuck by him, hoping, praying, coaxing, manipulating, and waiting for him to change. [Read more →]

Earlier this month, the movie world released What’s Your Number, a film about a 30-something year old circling back to her exes in search of an answer – was one of them “the one?” Protagonist Ally, played by Anna Farris, finds herself fired from her job and, even worse, unmarried. The horror! Lisa Schwarbaum describes the movie with wit on Entertainment Weekly.

The movie’s central punch line is this: Ally has had sex with 20 guys. That makes her — wait for it ­­— a whore. I know, it’s a pretty dull punch line, but screenwriters Gabrielle Allan and Jennifer Crittenden couldn’t get enough.

The movie makes me wonder – what kind of audience thinks this crap is funny? Some adorable blonde girl running around for 106 minutes panicking that she’s slept with too many guys? We’re in 2011, for Christ’s sake. I thought we were over the whole obsession with the ancient formula:

Women = purity = virginity [Read more →]

When is it time to throw in the towel? Knowing when to give up is an important life skill to master. You don’t want to be that sixty-year-old fourth-time divorcé hitting on young blondes at a nightclub. And you certainly don’t want to look like this. To stay true to yourself — not to mention to prevent looking like a total ass — it’s important to know when it’s time to cut your losses and fold.

For most things in life, a social timer outside of our control notifies us when to hit the road. Here’s an example. You find yourself hitting snooze for a 1pm seminar at Brown.  The professor sucks, the lectures are boring. Yet you stay registered until the end of the semester. Someone else has set a date for exams, and so most likely, you just go with it and wait it out until the end.

But for matters of love and sex, there is no referee to guide us on when to call a time-out or game over. Often, it’s not a simple answer. When I get together with a guy, it’s because he has qualities that I find attractive – a great sense of humor, a caring demeanor, or sometimes, just a big dick. So breaking it off can be tough – even if it’s not going great, there are usually a handful of reasons that invite me to stay.   [Read more →]

Let me make it perfectly clear: I am not in love with Barista. Barista is twenty-seven and his life is going nowhere. He smokes so much pot that his brain cell count is estimated somewhere between 12-15 cells. He’s just some townie who works full time at a coffee shop close to campus. No, he doesn’t paint or write poetry on the side. He’s just Barista, without much pizazz or talent. But Barista does have one nice quality – he’s a great lay. And in the morning, he can brew me a very nice cup of coffee.

Barista and I had established the standard booty-call procedure. He called me once a week when he got out of work around midnight. I’d open the door, we’d walk upstairs, get naked, and have sex. The sex was rough and animalistic and usually pretty great. There was very little kissing – mostly because he slobbers too much – and very little talking – mostly because I find him incredibly dull. Usually there was sex in the morning, too, but never breakfast afterwards. I was getting great sex and I didn’t even have to leave my house to find it! Everything was going well – until things got complicated. [Read more →]

Hello, sexy. If you’ve got a crush on someone outside your friend group, you may be wondering: how should I act when I bump into this person outside of class? What should I do when I see my crush at a bar or a party on the weekend? Last week, I gave you tips on what behavior to avoid. So now that you’re an expert on how to avoid looking pathetic, let’s talk about how to look extra good and seal the deal.

1. Hable con Ella. When in doubt, always listen to Pedro Almodovar. He knows all about getting laid, so heed his advice. Talk to her! (or him or phe, if you prefer). If you enter a party and your crush is there, march up to him/her/phe like the grown ass person that you are. You’re an authentic human. Part of that is recognizing that it’s okay to have emotions. It’s also okay to want sex or cuddling or intimacy. If you don’t put yourself out there, there’s no way that you can get any. After all, half of life is just showing up, right? [Read more →]

Amanda and I went to Whiskey Republic on Saturday to check out DropKick Murphys. There he was: Mr. Soccer, in the flesh. Now, Mr. Soccer, for those of you who do not know, is Amanda’s big crush from her sociology seminar. Yet after months of talking about him, Amanda froze up like a Nintendo 64 when she discovered him outside of class.

“OMIGOD! OMIGOD!” Amanda mouthed to me as we sat at the bar.
“Go talk to him,” I suggested.

But Amanda was too nervous. She would talk to him, she insisted, but only after a drink to loosen up. Fast-forward thirty minutes. Amanda is throwing back enough shots to make LMFAO nervous. And when Mr. Soccer did come over, it was too late. He reached over to touch her arm and drunk Amanda’s brain mistook his flirty gesture for a threatening blow. She fell over in slow motion, landing like a cockroach on its back, her four-inch heels kicking wildly in the air. I don’t think I need to say it, but Amanda doesn’t stand much of a chance of finding real love with Mr. Soccer anytime soon.
So what is the right protocol when we see our Brown crush at a party? How do we ensure that it can move from this one night into the real thing? This week, I’ll give you a list of bad behavior to avoid.   [Read more →]

At Brown, we hunt down good pot, fun parties and interesting reads. Many of us are also running around looking for love. Or, at least a good lay. If you’ve found it, then you know the drill. It’s great. You’re having good sex and maybe even some good cuddling, too (lucky you!). But, great as it may be, it eventually comes to an end. Like one of our esteemed faculty members has wisely pointed out, things fall apart.

So what happens when you break up with a partner at Brown? What are the rules? It’s a small campus. There’s a good chance that your ex and you share a friend group. And Ruth tells me that we are a community. So, no hard feelings, right? Why not stay friends with your ex? How hard can it be?  [Read more →]

Hi. Heather HotPants here. Pleased to meet you, sexy.

I’ve been at Brown for three wonderful years. Great campus, great friends, great professors. Can’t complain about much. But I will say one thing – I think we’re doing it wrong. Sex, that is. Or, at least, the way we talk about sex. And dating. It’s all wrong. You’re hearing about the construction of gender norms. Or you’re reading snarky analysis of sexist trends in advertising. But when I talk to my friends, they’re talking about something different. They want to know the real practical stuff about sex. Like…How can I hit on that girl in my class without being creepy? How can I bring up wearing a condom without insulting anyone? How long should I wait to text after sleeping with someone?

I wanted to reach out to the Brown community and try to answer some of those questions so that you won’t have to learn them the hard way.

For my first column, I thought I’d start with the basics. So here we go. Four rules about sex at Brown.

1. Most people don’t know what they’re doing. No, sir, my clitoris is not located there. Or, just because your ex enjoyed hard-pounding sex does not mean that I appreciate the Road Runner style, too. Many girls feel that they don’t know what they’re doing either and they’re nervous about it. Why did he fall asleep while I was giving him head? I just don’t get it. How do I move my hips when I’m on top? The answer to all of this, young grasshopper, is that great piece of ancient Eastern wisdom: practice makes perfect.   [Read more →]