Brown students are often ranked the most attractive among the Ivies, so much so that there was once a rumor that the admissions office required headshots with applications.
While that’s up for debate, I can easily say that I see at least one person I am attracted to every day on this campus. Clearly, other Brunonians feel the same way: just look at Brown Admirers or Brown Confessions. Regardless of the overwhelming hotness of our student body, many of us pinpoint that one person who is the epitome of physical attractiveness to you. You stare at them across the Main Green, daydreaming about what they’re like, and what it would be like to finally kiss them and be with them. So, what happens when you actually hook up with them? Does the fantasy come to fruition?
On Sunday, I went to the final IFF event, an advanced screening of Judd Apatow’s new film Trainwreck. I won’t lie, I was somewhat dubious about the film before the screening. Was it a RomCom? A regulation Apatow comedy without Seth Rogen? Where did it fall on the spectrum between Bridesmaids and The 40-Year Old Virgin? After two hours in Granoff, I still don’t think I can define it, but I will say: it was AMAZING. And seriously got me thinking.
Amy Schumer, the hottest lady in comedy right now, stars as Amy (so creative, right?), a writer at a ridiculously hetero-normative men’s magazine in New York City (one article pitch is, “Are you gay, or is she just boring?”). She may be doing alright professionally, but in her personal life, she is a hot mess. Believing that “monogamy is unrealistic,” a lesson her dad taught her at a young age, Amy gets drunk/high, hooks up with randos, and stumbles home with reckless abandon on the regular. I obviously have no problem with random hook ups and one night stands, but Amy really takes it to a new level. Thanks to a random assignment on a successful sports doctor, she meets Aaron, played by Bill Hader at his most adorable, and the rest of the movie is the story of Amy’s first real relationship.
I left the movie with my friends, gushing about how cute it was, in addition to retelling our favorite jokes (I literally had tears streaming down my face at one scene with Amy on a therapeutic treadmill). We all cooed about how much we want a relationship just like Amy and Aaron’s, which was so natural and fun and believable. I started thinking about relationships in college in general, something I often think of as rare and harder to find than Josiah Carberry. Because while I’ve definitely hooked up with a lot of people in college, I have not ended up in a relationship with any of them. Was no one willing to settle down?
A big crowd is like a private room: no one will see you makin’ out in that mess.
The rules of Spring Weekend are that there are no rules, right? Wrong. While the hook up game may be different than a normal weekend on College Hill, there are a few “do’s and don’t’s” you should abide by.
DO: Make out on the Main Green. It’s truly the ultimate DFMO (MGMO?). While Hudson Mohawke will probably be the best concert for this, as it will probably have the most “clubby” atmosphere, feel free to go for it in the broad daylight of the Saturday concert. I personally feel this is a rite of passage, and something to check off your Brown bucket list. Who wants to leave college without being able to say, “remember that time I made out with [someone completely irrelevant] on the Main Green?!”
DON’T: Do anything more. No one wants to see you getting a blow job on the Main Green as Modest Mouse sings “Float On,” everyone’s favorite middle school jam. My eyes should not be subject to that without my consent, and I will provide you with the same courtesy. Save that for later. Speaking of which…
DON’T: Leave the concert early to go back to someone’s room. There are copious hours after the concert to hook up–don’t miss the main event, which lasts a total of two hours. If your partner doesn’t have a ticket, however, that is a different matter, and up to your discretion (I don’t recommend it though). You can have your own VIP after party later. If you’re single…
Admit it: you have that one friend you have always thought was cute/hot/sexy. You may have wondered if there was something more there, behind the witty banter and flirty arm touching. So what happens when you/they finally make a move? How do you remain friends no matter what? Let’s walk through the different scenarios.
One time thing: You two hooked up OMG! Whether it was a DFMO, after a late night study sesh at the Rock, or while watching a movie, it happened. The most important thing here is to acknowledge it after the fact. While you may not want to make eye contact with that phe you hooked up with at ADOCH when you pass each other on the Green, you owe it to your friend to at least admit to it, in whatever manner you deem appropriate. It might feel less awkward to sweep it under the rug, but having that unspoken gorilla in the room will just make things weird. Trust me, it took me years to figure that one out.
Friends with benefits: The first time was so great, you decided to go for it again (and again and again). This is truly the ideal hook-up situation: someone you genuinely enjoy spending time and physical affection with. What could be better? I would advise you to tread lightly here. It is very easy to develop feelings; as I said, you are already friends, and when you add intimacy, it can get messy, especially when feelings are mutual.
Vacation is not real life. You eat whatever you want; drink beverages that easily have over 500 calories; and lay around doing nothing for hours (what reading?). Therefore, vacation is the perfect time for a no-strings attached, purely fun hook up with someone you honestly will probably never see again. Yet, a problem that arises: without your friends and/or a space you already know (a.k.a. not Whiskey or my friend’s house/dorm party), how do you meet someone you can get down and dirty with? Just like our packing list, let’s lay out the necessities in advance.
Tinder: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Tinder is great. Tinder is even better, though, on vacation, as it enables you to peruse so many options from the comfort of your hotel/hostel bed. During an extraordinarily boring spring break with my family last year, I started chatting with Will, a recent college graduate and aspiring singer/songwriter. After a day or two of texting, he asked if I wanted to hang out. I invited him over to my hotel, where we went for a night swim and hooked up in a cabana. Mission accomplished, and all it took was a swipe right.
Clearly, I’m all about #throwbacks, with articles about the Renaissance of hand jobs and finger blasts. Something I am not in favor of bringing back, however, is the Age of the Obvious Hickey. Remember when hickeys were a true mark of pride? Your friend would come into school wearing a scarf that phe would then excitedly rip off to show you the purple bruise on their neck. What was the point of the scarf if you were just going to take it off or play with it until everyone in your Algebra II class saw what was on your neck? Regardless, by lunch time, everyone knew.
In college, a hickey can be a source of embarrassment, rather than a brag. “Is that a hickey?!” people will ask you in derision. Scarves or make-up are necessary in class or when meeting with a professor. Don’t even get me started on a visit to the CareerLab. Now, whenever I have a hickey, instead of feeling proud, I feel completely self-conscious.
This is a real hickey I received consensually, not a vampire bite.
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