Supposing you’re one of the hip young people, you need to be able to act like you’re an old pro at everything. In the icy grip of February, long after winter break has ended and the holidays are a distant memory, you need the ability to be casually dismissive of snow. Perhaps it’s your first winter in the northeast, and you grew up in Texas. Perhaps snow is familiar to you, but not quite familiar enough for snide condescension. Not to worry, you’ll be intolerable in no time.
Step 1: Deny the beauty of snow
This past Tuesday, I was walking back from work through a shower of large snow flakes, the type you see depicted on unsigned paintings in your grandma’s house. I looked up, and beheld the SciLi, crusted with fallen snow. I caught myself thinking, “You know, that doesn’t look half bad at the moment,” so the snowfall was aesthetically miraculous. However, if you want to be over the snow, you have to envision the weeks ahead, in which the once beautiful precipitation transforms into piles of concentrated grey misery on the sides of the roads. T.S. Eliot was off by one; back in Buffalo, where I come from, March is the cruelest month by far. It’s a monument to a hideous winter that has overstayed its welcome. Once this month is upon us, the idea of a winter wonderland will connote all the grace and beauty of a stubbed toe.
That lucky bastard Caesar got to duck out on the 15th.
Step 2: Think about the time invested in travel
I don’t know about you, but I find walking to be my favorite method of travel in Providence. Unfortunately, the recent storms have made traveling on foot through Providence untenable. Want to walk to Stop & Shop to get some groceries? Fuck you, go to Whole Foods and double your bill. After a few days of trying to navigate all the narrow old roads of the surrounding town only to find that, whoops, this sidewalk is also not clear, looks like you’ll be turning around again, you’ll be hating winter like a 10-year veteran.