FlogDailyHerald: Complaining about the heat is silly

weatherman

It’s too hot. Now it’s too humid. Uh-oh, now it’s raining. During the first few days back on College Hill, students have aired a laundry list of complaints about a whole range of meteorological conditions.

And I get it. Providence weather is fickle, and some people find that frustrating. Humidity that causes you to break a sweat just by thinking too hard isn’t fun. Neither is a surprise rainstorm that pounces on you as you leave class.

But it’s worth looking on the bright side of things. The days are warm, and even at night temperatures are barely dipping below sixty degrees. On top of that, until today we’ve had plenty of sun. Things certainly could be worse. In fact, they often have been worse.

  1. For those who are wont to complain about a brief afternoon shower, it’s worth remembering Superstorm Sandy, which turned Providence, and most of the Northeast, into a lake. And not a fun lake that you could waterski on or swim in, but an angry lake that flooded streets and would have happily ripped you out to sea.
  2. In 2013, Nor’easter Nemo pounded across New England, dumping enough snow to break the spirits of even the most optimistic Dory-like students on campus.
  3. And, of course, there’s the series of snowstorms that all but obliterated Providence last winter.  We got so much snow that even Executive Vice President, Planning and Policy Russell Carey couldn’t save us. But he did grant us two snow days. To show our gratitude, we nominated him for President of the United States of America.
Carey

Carey is drawing low numbers in recent polls, but his favorability is expected to skyrocket if he gives us another snow day.

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Snow melting odds: a March Madness alternative

March Melting

It’s that time of year for me to lose another five bucks on a sport that I pay little attention to yet am socially obligated to follow for three weeks in March and April. To me, March Madness is always the same. Of course there are occasional surprising upsets, and some years are crazier than others, but in the end, the fan bases of sixty-seven teams go home disappointed. The whole charade is like a night at Colosseum: I pretend to have fun until reality strikes and I realize I’ve immersed myself in the lives of dozens of sweaty dudes.

This apathy has taken a toll on my brackets. Instead of looking at teams’ styles of play, strengths of schedule, and common opponents, I find myself simply taking my anger out at the teams that disappointed me the year before (fuck you, Villanova).

I will be boycotting March Madness this year. It’s overhyped and I’m terrible at it. We need another March/April-specific alternative to lose money on.

My eureka moment came during a drunken argument simple inquiry while walking through the main green: “Which snow mound will be the last to melt on campus?” No need for 67 games; just countless piles of ice, salt, and dirt in a war of attrition against the sun.

I am overjoyed to present the first annual March Melting. Here are some previews to get you oriented:

The Prestigious: The pile on Wriston QuadIMG_4949

Strengths: Good balance of dirt and salt, sheltered from wind and afternoon sun.

Weaknesses: Heavy weekend traffic of drunk college kids could pose a hazard.

March Madness Equivalent: Duke

Few piles can stand up to the prestige of the one on Wriston. Made up of snow from all around Wayland Arch, the mound has been a consistent presence this season, from the snowball fights and tackle football of the first snowstorm, to the sweltering 50-degree heat of March 12th.

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The rise of premature Main Green Bro

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Yesterday was the first truly warm day of the semester, and there’s no denying that the vast majority of people on College Hill are incredibly thankful for the much-needed break from last month’s onslaught of blizzards. But, it’s unlikely that every day after this one will be equally warm, which brings a serious problem to those who frequent the Main Green on a daily basis — i.e everyone. We’re talking, of course, about the inevitable rise of the premature Main Green Bro (bro being here employed as a term that may refer to any gender identity).

Most people will be familiar with another common occurrence of springtime: premature Tank Bro. Hipster Runoff (R.I.P) defines premature tank bro in relation to his/her fall-based cousin, premature scarf bro. If premature scarf bro is the bro who chooses to wear a scarf in 60 degree weather, premature tank bro is the bro who chooses to wear a tank when it’s 40 degrees out. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with doing either of these things. You may run the risk of being too hot or too cold, but if temperature doesn’t happen to be a concern for you, go right ahead.

Now, premature tank bro is a nationwide—perhaps worldwide—phenomenon. But there is a very Brown-specific type of premature bro that always seems to appear around this time of the year: premature Main Green bro, who sits out on the Main Green when most people would judge it a little too cold to do so. And this particular year, premature Main Green bros would be better off waiting until their appearance is a little less premature.

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What’s hot… and what’s not

You have no idea. We do. Let us learn you.

What’s Hot:

Aquatic Life

The outpour of support for aquatic life can be found here. And here. Basically it’s all anyone can talk about nowadays. Hop on the bandwagon and visit an aquarium. Sharks are dope. They kill people, but they are also endangered? Scary but sensitive. Dual-motha-fucking-threat. Like the aquatic Miley Cyrus. Even Lupita Nyong’o wore a dress made entirely out of the jewels of the sea.

Image via

College Basketball

College Basketball. So hot right now. College Basketball. This prediction has been made before. There’s something about the calendar turning to March that makes everyone suddenly interested in college hoops.

Image via

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6 ways to freshen up your winter boots

I’m sick of the snow. I’m sick of the slush. I’m sick of having to take turns on the sidewalk when someone is coming in the opposite direction. But most of all, I’m sick of wearing my fugly snow boots.

It would be one thing if I was restricted to wearing my Converse — at least they’re passably cute and match with everything! Instead, I’m forced to trudge around campus with sheepskin-lined weights on my feet that would make a lumberjack cringe. Okay, they’re not terrible — I’ve seen worse — but everything is good in moderation, as they say, and I surpassed moderation about 2.5 weeks ago.

I know that I’m not the only one in this predicament, so I’ve created a fun list of DYI tips for sprucing up your feet prisons!!!

1) Bedazzled Boots

Buy some plastic jewels from your local craft store and glue, glue, glue! Use hot glue for a long-lasting masterpiece. Bonus: if you burn yourself badly enough, you’ll have a great excuse for missing class, and won’t have to go outside / wear your boots in the first place!  

bedazzle

2) Cute Cut-outs

First decide what pattern you want — edgy triangles? Playful circles? Your roommate’s silhouette? Next, grab a pair of hardware scissors and start hacking. Really go at it! In fact, don’t stop until there’s not even a boot left to cut anymore!

3) Charming Char

Rustic is timeless. An easy and cheap way to achieve this look is charring the lining of your boots for a smoky finish that screams vintage. To begin, run a lit match or lighter along the top rim of your boots. Then, go to the kitchen for a snack. “Accidentally forget” about your DIY project. Come back to a smoldering pile of ashes.

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Hipster How-To: Being “over” snow

hipster-snow

Supposing you’re one of the hip young people, you need to be able to act like you’re an old pro at everything. In the icy grip of February, long after winter break has ended and the holidays are a distant memory, you need the ability to be casually dismissive of snow. Perhaps it’s your first winter in the northeast, and you grew up in Texas. Perhaps snow is familiar to you, but not quite familiar enough for snide condescension. Not to worry, you’ll be intolerable in no time.

Step 1: Deny the beauty of snow

This past Tuesday, I was walking back from work through a shower of large snow flakes, the type you see depicted on unsigned paintings in your grandma’s house. I looked up, and beheld the SciLi, crusted with fallen snow. I caught myself thinking, “You know, that doesn’t look half bad at the moment,” so the snowfall was aesthetically miraculous. However, if you want to be over the snow, you have to envision the weeks ahead, in which the once beautiful precipitation transforms into piles of concentrated grey misery on the sides of the roads. T.S. Eliot was off by one; back in Buffalo, where I come from, March is the cruelest month by far. It’s a monument to a hideous winter that has overstayed its welcome. Once this month is upon us, the idea of a winter wonderland will connote all the grace and beauty of a stubbed toe.

(c) Glasgow Museums; Supplied by The Public Catalogue Foundation

That lucky bastard Caesar got to duck out on the 15th.

Step 2: Think about the time invested in travel

I don’t know about you, but I find walking to be my favorite method of travel in Providence. Unfortunately, the recent storms have made traveling on foot through Providence untenable. Want to walk to Stop & Shop to get some groceries? Fuck you, go to Whole Foods and double your bill. After a few days of trying to navigate all the narrow old roads of the surrounding town only to find that, whoops, this sidewalk is also not clear, looks like you’ll be turning around again, you’ll be hating winter like a 10-year veteran.

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