PSA: Don’t go outside

No, I want to fucking go back to bed.

No, I want to fucking go back to bed.

If you’re the kind of champion who hasn’t left your bed yet, I’ve got one word for you: don’t. It’s not worth it. The weather is simply dumb right now. You will be wet and cold and miserable and regret having even woken up, despite the extra hour of sleep. You’ll descend into a well of despair so deep you’ll wonder if you’ll ever emerge, if the months of May-August exist only in your imagination, or if you’ll ever find love (You won’t. Love is for dry people). If your grandma was outside, paralyzed, holding a bag of kittens in one hand and the nuclear launch codes in the other, I would still say leave her where she is and get her in the morning. Outside is shitty and it sucks and I hate it.

Fuck this fucking bullshit happening in the sky right now. God is taking a frozen dump on all of our Sundays and the best thing to do is just give up. This stupid fucking snow-rain on November 2nd is unacceptable, and it just means winter is going to be terrible and we should all fucking give up. It’s game over.

Other animals eat all fall, sleep all winter, and have lots of crazy sex when it’s warm out, and just repeat that until they die. Some fucking sick joke was played on humans where we have to walk outside while the atmosphere throws a temper tantrum because we thought fossil fuels were a good idea for like twenty years too long. This isn’t funny and everything is stupid and terrible. Go back to fucking bed.

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