I asked everyone to leave so we could have our privacy.
Dear Sayles Hall,
How are you? For 133 years old, you’re looking great. You’ve been a loving host to student group rehearsals, SPEC events, and The Housing Games (RIP). Heck, you have even been to SPG! Have I mentioned you have the largest remaining Hutchings-Votey pipe organ in the world?! Seriously, thnks4themmrs and way to be you.
Hey, there is something I’ve wanted to talk to you about. I’ve been on staff here at BlogDH for three years and have never written a Flog. I’ve never really wanted to because I hate complaining and I seek to see the glass half-full as frequently as possible. Until now.
I’m quite bad at confrontation and don’t want this to come as a shock to you. Please bear with me as I try to express my feelings. I will even try to speak from the “I” perspective. What I’ve been meaning to tell you is that your bathrooms are literally the worst thing about this entire institution for higher learning.
Was that too harsh?
Let me explain myself. We can start by talking about the location of your facilities. Your only bathrooms are located in the basement of the building, which is an absurd amount of steps away from your third floor
dungeon. I could also get into all of the sense that your stairs lack, but I digress.
Given my abnormally small bladder, I always face this dilemma as to whether I should commit myself to hiking the literal Oregon Trail to get to your facilities or if I should just suffer the bladder discomfort. Also, seriously my bad if I’m taking this the wrong way, but it seems that you are proud of this trek and wear it as a badge of honorable character. You really shouldn’t, Sayles. I dare you to have one more sign telling me that your only bathrooms are located in the basement. Also stop sugar-coating it by calling it “the lower level.” It is the basement.
Jesse Watters has returned from the depths of the abyss that is FOX News’s New York office to comment alongside Bill “Falafel” O’Reilly on the cancellation of the “giant sex party” that is SexPowerGod. Speculating about why the party was called off, Papa Bear Bill insisted that the decision came from the administration, while Jesse correctly (Ed. I can’t believe he actually corrected the boss-man) pointed out that the University did not shut the party down.
Watters, who is THIRTY-SIX YEARS OLD and still trying to make a career out of alternately hitting on and making fun of college students, chalked the cancellation up to SPG having gotten “a little nasty.” Poor word choice when describing alleged sexual assaults and ER visits that stemmed from the party. Since we don’t want to dignify the clip too much by embedding it in this post, you can watch it here.
O’Reilly jokes on the new segment that Jesse needs to come back because the Brown student populace misses him, but it seems that Jesse misses us. The man has visited us annually for the past three years!
Between drinking games and hard-hitting interviews, BlogDH had almost exhausted our arsenal of potential responses to this guy’s creepy, childish shit. Key word: almost. One thing we hadn’t done is rewrite an infamous Kanye West song to make it applicable to our perverse, long distance love affair with Jesse Watters (a la Seth Rogen and James Franco).
Well, now we (read: Caitlin Dorman ’16) have done that, and it wasn’t too difficult of an adaptation. In fact, there is so much romantic tension between Jesse Watters and us that the most difficult part of the whole process was blending the skin tones of Jesse’s face with Kim Kardashian’s neck.
Jesse, baby, we hope you like it:
Bound 2 (Be on FOX News)
Bound to be on Fox News
Bound to be on Fox News (uh huh Jesse)
All the other schools lame and you know it now
When a real school parties, you supposed to frown
Bound to be on Fox News
Bound to be on Fox News (uh huh Jesse)
The Queer Alliance announced last week that their annual dance party “Sex Power God” is cancelled this semester. If you had planned on getting your yearly dose of sex, power and God at SPG, fear not: Brown isn’t lacking in any of these categories. We have compiled a guide to fulfilling your sex-, power-, and God-related needs without SPG:
While SPG won’t be around to promote its sex-positive message, there’s no limit to the sexual resources offered at Brown. If you’re into sexual health and killer acronyms, the Sexual Health Education and Empowerment Coalition (SHEEC) promotes sexual wellness, as does the Sexual Health Awareness Group (SHAG). If you’re into learning about sex, check out FemSex and MSex, student-run workshops that teach sex-ed and foster healthy dialogue. There is also an opportunity to get involved in the Sexual Assault Peer Education (SAPE) program, a group that educates students about ending sexual violence.
And if looking into having sex, there’s no shortage of options for that either. Though SPG isn’t happening, there are countless other parties where you can seek out a partner, from Machado Pain & Fromage socials to sports house keggers depending on your taste. It’s not a secret that Brown students are into the hookup culture, but they are more down to date than it seems—go out on a limb and ask someone out to froyo (not necessarily a code word for sex). As for where to get down and dirty, Keeney laundry rooms provide a thrill, and for exhibitionists, check out the roof of Metcalf (not like it hasn’t been done before, though). Still don’t know where to find sex at Brown? Chances are that if you’re on the 13th floor of the SciLi, a wink and nod to the stacks is all it’ll take.
According to a post on Bluestockings, Brown’s Queer Alliance has decided to cancel this year’s edition of Sex Power God. The Queer Alliance Coordinating Committee stated in the release that “SPG no longer serves its intended purpose,” which was “to affirm queer/LGBTQ+ students who feel excluded or shamed by hetero-patriarchal norms by creating a space in honor of them.” Instead, the party has become the sensationalized subject of FOX News segments and unfriendly BDH opinions columns. In addition, according to the QA’s statement, SPG was not the safe space it was meant to be last year:
Although attendees signed contracts promising to seek active consent at SPG, in spite of this students disregarded the policy during the 2013 SPG. Sexual violence goes against every aim of the Queer Alliance. When attendees violated the space, SPG was no longer safe, positive, or inclusive, despite the careful intentionality of the planners. It has been a violent space. We cannot in good conscience continue perpetuating such a space. If we decided to continue to host SPG, it would mean that Brown students decided that a party was more important than the safety and bodily autonomy of their peers.
Though it is possible that Sex Power God will be reinstated in future years, the 2014 iteration is off. Check back here for more details on this developing story.
So. Many. Flyers.
The Mid-Year Activities Fair does not get a lot of publicity. It makes sense, because joining a new extra curricular second semester is usually reserved for frosh and the upperclassmen who are having existential crises because they just broke up with their old extracurriculars and want to fill the void with new ones. For me, however, any gathering of trifold posters and free pens is a perfect excuse to snag goodies. I will confess that I had no intention of picking up any new hobbies. My goal (like always) was to steal shit that was already being given away, and get my mojo back.
This year’s fair was in Alumnae Hall, which was a bit awkward, because the last time I was in there was for SPG. Even more awkward, Aerial Arts was doing a demonstration on the stage… which they also did at SPG. Did someone mistake this for Throwback Thursday? Slightly disappointed by the lack of lingerie the students around me were wearing, I took the plunge into the equally sweaty and far less sexual mob. Let’s take a look at my haul:
Tech House: With a table covered in a Settler’s of Catan board and Nintendo 64 Cartridges, tech house had a very inviting setup. They had no freebies to give me, but I settled for the implied offer that I can come by and play drunk Pokemon later this semester.
That axe is an heirloom, not even kidding.
SPG DJ Prescott Smith ’16 plays a basement set
It’s arguably Brown’s most notorious party, an event so renowned that students will wait into the late hours of a Sunday evening weeks beforehand merely to experience it for themselves. Commonly touted by the Queer Alliance as a safe space, it has nonetheless attracted criticism from outside media and Brown students alike. But, in the end, what would SPG be without the music?
“At other parties, people are always requesting songs,” notes Ben Shack Sackler ’16, “but at SPG, people are there for the experience, and you try to give them that experience.” Known also by his DJ moniker Ethos Nebula, Sackler was one of three DJs who performed over the course of the evening, along with Nikos Melachrinos ’15 and Prescott Smith ’16. In total, the three performed for over three hours, providing tunes for the entire duration of the party. So what kind of music, exactly, was featured at this year’s SPG?