Last week, I heard something truly despicable. I was in the Ratty, doing what I do, minding my own business, when I hear, “Yeah, gotta hit the gym. Gotta get those biceps if I wanna get any Spring Weekend.” I only just stopped vomiting in anger, which is why it took me so long to respond to this monstrosity of a thought, but here we go.
What? Excuse me? The nicest biceps in the world will not make girls want to sleep with you if you are A) the kind of person that plans seven weeks in advance to get toned arms or B) are the kind of person who only wants nice arms 3 days out of the year.
And excuse me, person who this dude was talking to: Why did you not slap him in the face then and there? Dear readers, he agreed with his friend. He said he’d join him in the Bear’s Lair, which is the worst place ever. If you insist on subjecting yourself to the gym, do it for your health, not your sexual track record.
Why do you not have bulging muscles right now? Oh, it’s a shit ton of work and totally not worth it and chocolate gives you more self esteem than a bench press ever could? Then maybe you should never have the muscles. Do you think a girl is interested in you because of the girth of your arms? Something tells me she’d prefer for your girth to be allocated differently, and your weirdly big ‘weekend arms’ just make other aspects of your anatomy seem smaller.
Since the dawn of time, we have been avoiding manual labor. We started farming because hunter-gathering was too much work. We built cars and forklifts because we were sick of running and lifting. You are flipping off all of human history in the hopes you’ll get laid.
But guess what? You won’t. Because if you’re not getting laid right now with your average looking biceps, your biceps aren’t the deal breaker. The deal breaker is that you are planning your one night stand a month and a half in advance. People plan vacations to Florida with less notice. How on earth can you think about Spring Weekend when I’m wearing a coat over my jacket above my sweatshirt on top of my sweater which is hiding three layers of long underwear?
Listen, my friend. I can think of an easy arm exercise that I already do on the regular. You can do it from the comfort of your own bed. You do that. I’ll stick with my skinny arms.
P.S. If the dude who said that reads this article and wants to come pick a fight, please do. Last time we encountered each other, your arms weren’t exactly a force to be reckoned with.