Career Fair 2015: How I lost my swag, but still brought home swag

For the past two years, I’ve been infamous for stealing the giveaways from the career fairs. How can you steal something that’s free, you may ask? Well, the freebies are usually intended for students who are interested in working for these companies. I have notoriously shown zero interest in getting a job, and that is why the majority of employers at this fair hate me.

Alas, now I am nearing the end of my life–adulthood–and I need a summer internship. I had originally planned to attend this year’s career fair in all seriousness and instead of just documenting all the goodies I brought home, I would document all of the rejection I experienced. It did not go as planned. Well, the rejection part went as expected, but I still got a lot of free stuff.

My dear readers, I promise, I tried to change. I dressed business casual even though it was a fruitless gesture under my winter coat and scarf. I printed out FOUR resumes because I heard that’s something you’re supposed to do. Unfortunately, desperation works in strange ways. There were only so many times I could cheerfully ask tech companies if they were interested in a blogger with no applicable skills! Enough with my excuses. Without further ado, here is the haul for 2015:

The toys

toys

IXL is one of those companies where a writer could initially think they are a good fit before realizing that the representatives at the fair were only recruiting website builders (much like the table for the New York Times). Shrouded in disappointment, I couldn’t say no to a compressible frisbee. Or dominoes. Speaking of, did you know there are rules for dominoes? I always thought the tiles were more of a décor statement.

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Shit we love: Sriracha Vodka

UV_Sriracha_BottleSriracha is in trouble.

First, a judge ruled that Huy Fong Food’s Southern California Sriracha plant must shut down due to neighbor’s complaints that the smell caused headaches. Then, Dining Services implemented a rule barring the usage of spicy with sauces on anything but spicy withs. Say goodbye to your divine 1:30 a.m. Sriracha and fries.

But, just when we thought all was lost, in swoops Phillips Distilling Company to save the day. This insane and delusional genius company decided enough was enough. Someone needed to combine college students’ two favorite liquids. Introducing…UV Sriracha Vodka.

The visionary director of research and development at Phillips, Jim Aune, describes the best pair since peanut and jelly as a “blend of chili peppers, garlic and vegetables.” Sounds like the perfect pre-hook up drink to me! While everyone is probably dying to drink that enticing blend straight, Aune suggests adding it to a bloody mary or any other savory drink.

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