Left Shark at Brown

The best part of the Superbowl, besides when the Patriots MURDERED the Seahawks on the biggest stage and on the biggest play, was Left Shark.

Left Shark stole the half time show from Katy Perry, Missy Eliott and Lenny “Biggest Scarf In the World” Kravitz, and went viral. Since I only blog about hard hitting news, I decided to tackle the idea of the Left Shark as a student at Brown.

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= .25 x Left Shark (I am not a math concentrator)

Where would Left Shark live?

Left Shark couldn’t live in any of the freshman dorms because the water pressure is too low and a shark could not survive in a Keeney or Andrews bathroom. Trust me, I have tested this (R.I.P. Simon, my hammerhead friend). To be safe, Left Shark would live in the pool in Nelson because he is a shark and sharks live in water… no brainer. Also, realistically, Left Shark would eat any given roommate.

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Super Bowl ad power rankings

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The Patriots won the Super Bowl and Katy Perry’s dancing sharks won the halftime show, yet to many viewers, the commercials were the paramount spectacle. Which ads won the in-between? Which fell short? And finally, which were just plain weird? 

39. Jublia: Tackle It

First off, it seems like the whole budget for this commercial went into buying the slot and about $40 went into the production of the advertisement itself. The animation was hilariously bad and confusing. Why is the infected toe the one depicted brawling the fungus? Shouldn’t it be the medicine that does the fighting? Also, this commercial’s “football play” literally made no sense. I don’t know much about foot fungus, but I know that the medicine probably doesn’t have to go “under, around, and through the nail” in order to clear the fungus and it certainly shouldn’t take 48 weeks to rid the toe of disease. 48 weeks! Most disturbing, however, was the fact that it seemed like the toe was more interested in tackling the fungus instead of recovering fumbles. Do the makers of Jublia know that the point of football is to have the ball and score, not just to tackle the ball carrier? Maybe they were playing a modified version of kill the carrier. But then why were they in a stadium with people cheering? Some sort of future gladiatorial combat? The toe threw a punch at the end of the commercial, something that would have resulted in a 15-yard penalty, if not an immediate ejection. On top of all of this, the fine print lists “burning or stinging” as a possible side effect. Why are the two mutually exclusive? Only the makers of Jublia know. Overall, a pretty confusing and poorly made commercial.

38. Nationwide’s Dead Kid

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Masshole* Super Bowl Reaction

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*You are a Masshole when: you are from Massachusetts, you would name your first born Tom no matter the gender, your favorite movies are The Departed and The Departed (pronounced Dehpahted), you refer to NYC as that place with giant rats and tight jeans, you have a Bruins logo tattooed on one ass cheek and Celtics logo tattooed on the other, and Matt Damon is your God.

I said it. I believed it. I called it. The Pats were going to win the Super Bowl. I predicted the Pats to win 100-0, which was obviously ridiculous, but us Massholes have no shame and no humility, so you really can’t blame me for such an outlandish claim. In actuality, I’m not surprised it was such a close game. The Seahawks are a fantastic team, with a scary defense and a powerhouse running game. They dominated the Super Bowl stage last year and emasculated Peyton Manning and his lack of chin (I hate you Peyton, I hate you so much you thumb-looking chump). Yet, no matter how good the Seahawks were, the Patriots bundled them in front of a billion people. Before I finish bragging, there are a lot of questions and distractions leading up to the Super Bowl that I want to quickly address.

Q: Did they deflate the balls?

A: No, what a stupid rumor. Anyone who believes this is an egg head. EGG HEAD! I have never believed in anything more than the proper firmness of Brady’s balls (footballs, jeez–get your head out of the gutter).

Q: Why doesn’t Marshawn Lynch talk to the media?

A: Who cares!!!!! He is the best running back in football. When you can run through a wall ten times a game then you can not talk to the media. Until then, SHUT UP!

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Not a football fan? There’s always Puppy Bowl X

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Happy Super Bowl Sunday! It’s your natural right to watch football, drink beer, and eat snacks today, because sports. But what if that football involved the snuggliest little puppy babies in lieu of the rough-and-tumble nature of professional football? Totally kosher.

Enter Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl X: it’s like Heavy Petting, but with “football.” In its tenth year, the Puppy Bowl is the greatest alternative to American football—instead of 300-hundred pound linebackers, the most adorable rescue pups frolic compete on a football field. This game has the same characteristics as a typical football game, but with an adorable twist: puppy penalties, touchdowns, a lot of fumbles (it’s a lot harder when you don’t have opposable thumbs), and the Bissel Kitten Halftime Show, at which an actual kitten will be “performing.”

Tune into Animal Planet at 3 p.m. (or live-stream it here) for your yearly dosage of cute—if you’re a doglover (guilty), or if you’re a Pats fan and just really hate Peyton Manning (also guilty), you can find comfort in these puppies duking it out and leaving nothing on the field (…we hope). Find some of the puppies competing in today’s contest after the jump.  Continue Reading


Football: A primer

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The first Super Bowl — although, not the first NFL Championship — to be hosted in the Northeast has finally arrived. Although many people are watching it for the legendary commercials (as well as for the excuse it provides for your usual Sunday binge drinking), there will be a football game featured as well. For those of you who have never seized the opportunity to watch the other great American pastime, now is your chance! Football may come off as barbaric to an outsider, but to understand the basics of football is to see it for the beautiful and highly strategic sport that it is. Also, as a rule, if you’re going to spend 4 hours watching something, you should probably understand what’s going on. Here are the basics:

Four 15 minute quarters, 22 players on the field at a time (11 for each team), and a very important ball that is shaped like Hey Arnold’s head.

When the game begins, the offensive team is tasked first with moving the ball into their opponent’s end zone. The other team, playing defense, wants to prevent the offense from moving the ball down the field until their turn is up. If possible, the defense will also try to intercept the ball, thus reclaiming it and becoming the offense.

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Where to watch the Super Bowl

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If you consider a three hour drive away “in your backyard”, this year’s Super Bowl is in your backyard.

Early February is always a very exciting time for Americans. Sorry Obama, it’s not because of the State of the Union — it’s  Super Bowl Sunday. This year, the NFL’s number one ranked defense, the Seattle Seahawks, will be going against the league’s top offense, the Denver Broncos ( led by advertisement superstar and not half bad quarterback Peyton Manning).

Every year more money is spent on advertising for the commercial breaks, and this year’s half time show features The Red Hot Chili Peppers and Bruno Mars. The event appeals to a wide range of people, including those that don’t care about who wins and are just rooting for Budweiser. All of this is to say for the football newbies: not only is the Super Bowl a huge fucking deal, but it is also engineered for TV viewers.

But wait, you’re a college student, so you don’t have cable! Actually, chances are you don’t even have a television set. Not to fear, for we will present you with a selection of options to make viewing the Super Bowl doable and fun this year. Cue this song:

On a laptop, via ethernet: Aimed at the two extremes, this method is either for the ultimate purist or the “not-even-a-football-fan” type. The purists don’t care that the screen is tiny; they just want to watch the game. In fact, the fewer people around to break their concentration, the better.  (Note: it’s also easier to rock your lucky underpants alone in your room.) On the other side are those who are just vaguely curious enough to plug in to the live stream during homework breaks. After all, you can’t resist seeing what all of the Facebook fuss is about.

In a dorm room, on a small-to-moderate sized TV: Watching the game with friends will make cheering for your preferred team more enjoyable, and it will probably give you access to more “free” food (if you are the bringer of snacks, be prepared to share). On the downside, dorms rarely acquire the right number of people for watching such a monumental event. You either have enough people that it’s too crowded, or it’s eerily empty and everyone is trying to go to the next biggest thing.  In addition, there’s approximately a 65% chance that someone in the room will order in from Wings and Things.

Alternatively: You can try to find the remote for one of the fancier lounges in dorms like Keeney. Allot yourself a good two hours beforehand because technology is confusing.

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