Animals protest Super Heavy Petting

Heavy Petting is great. Most of us love petting dogs, and the dogs are usually happy to have their stomachs rubbed and their heads scratched. The dogs are also free to move away from the people petting them. Last week’s Super Heavy Petting brought Heaving Petting to the next level by bringing in baby farm animals. The event was a hit among students. The animals seemed less enthused. We can only imagine what these animals thought of the experience, but I know you all have great imaginations, so let’s give it a shot.

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“Look how cute it is!” they all say, “Isn’t she adorable?” Get over yourselves. I don’t know what’s going on in your life, but is stuffing me into a straitjacket really going to help? Go pet a dog. I hear they totally get off on this stuff.”

—Muffin, the rabbit

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RETURN OF SUPER HEAVY PETTING

BABY

The bunnies are back. But am I ready for motherhood?

THE BUNNIES ARE BACK!

As the sun sets on our spring break reprieve, we wake up today a doleful dawn. But shall we languish away, lugubrious, powerless against the tide of finals and papers that awaits us until the Amnesty of Spring Weekend? No! For the University has brought us a bountiful gift of bunnies to ameliorate our heartache. The return of SUPER HEAVY PETTING is today, folks, as a welcome back and welcome to spring. It will begin at 11 a.m. and continue until 2 p.m. today on Wriston.

I wish. But let’s return to that most magical experience. Some of my worthy peers may remember the Heavy Petting event that happened about a month ago. I, for one, have vivid memories of that fateful day:

I exited the Ratty. They stared at me with deep-set, knowing eyes, wrapped up in a blanket like the cheese-and-bean burrito I had just consumed. I stood transfixed, as their eyes followed me, questioning, contemplating, wondering.

Suddenly, my boots had a life of their own. They took off, running towards the Bunny Burritos. Pass me the bunny, bitch, I growled to a pony-tailed freshman. I lifted the cauliflower-colored bunny into my arms, and cradled it like my baby. Continue Reading


A Thousand Words: Super Heavy Petting

Confused by the hordes of students crowding Wriston as you were leaving the Ratty today? Unsure as to why everyone you saw was smiling so much they were nearly in tears? Today the 2015 Class Board organized Super Heavy Petting on Wriston Quad, complete with bunnies, chicks, pigs, and a goat in a diaper. Check out the pictures of our furry friends below.

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