Rosetta Stone: Here’s your Starbucks name

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This is supposed to be “Paola.”

Ever notice how your cup at Starbucks has interesting phonetic variations of your name, but never quite the right one? Well I haven’t, because I don’t actually go to Starbucks. But Tumblr knows what you’re talking about. And so does Virginia. Ouch.

So why is this phenomenon so common at Starbucks? Well, maybe your barista actually has malicious intent, like this devil. Maybe you stuttered. Or, the most likely explanation: your name is just weird.

The solution to this serious problem appeared to me like a donut during finals period. If you provide your real name, you get a Starbucks-ified one on your cup. So if you tell your barista your Starbucks-ified name, they’ll mark down every Latin character of your name in beautiful black felt marker for all the world to behold! Flawless logic!

In any case, after tirelessly analyzing pictures of incorrectly-spelled names for many an hour, I have extracted the secret Starbucks name encoding algorithm and made it available to you — for free! You’ll never have to worry about some rando named “Berry” picking up the iced coffee for which you, Mary, waited so patiently. You need that overpriced caffeine to get you through finals, and you need it now, amirite? Check it out after the jump.

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