The Voice: A drinking game

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There may be an impending budget crisis in Congress (again?), a slew of atrocities abroad, and an upcoming mayoral election in our biggest city, but we all know what the real news item of the day is: the motherfucking Voice is back on NBC. Tonight’s episode will be the first with Christina Aguilera and Cee Lo Green back in place of Shakira and Usher, who will in turn be back in their places in the Spring… Sigh. Whatever. All we want to see anyway is some ugly people thanking The Voice for the opportunity to be judged not for their ugliness and Carson Daly doing his awkward half-smile, half-grimace. That’s television. So, respectfully, we offer you a drinking game to enhance your viewing experience. If you follow all the rules you will likely require EMSing, so you should probably also consider playing it as an eating game (those exist, maybe), or, as I will, a motivational tactic (i.e. fold a piece of laundry every time something happens). Without further ado:

  • Drink when Carson uses completely unnecessary superlatives to introduce the judges at the start of the show
  • Drink when Blake mentions how many times he’s won, or refers to some obscure country music award he’s received
  • Drink when Carson responds completely inappropriately to the contestants’ sob stories
  • Drink when a contestant clearly hasn’t overcome real adversity, and instead says something like “I once had a really bad viral infection that gave me a sore throat and made me miss my high school musical”
  • Drink when a contestant’s antechamber voiceover frets that this is his/her “only” or “last” shot to obtain his/her “dream”
  • Drink when Carson awkwardly hugs a contestant’s family member in the viewing room; drink twice if he tries to hug them but they ignore him

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