You walk inside the restroom on your floor, eager to take your morning shit after that long-winded 9 a.m. Just when you thought you were alone, you hear a faint whimper coming from one of the stalls. Surprise, surprise — it’s the stall closest to the wall, aka The Official #2 Station. To an outsider, it may be difficult to understand what’s happening inside that stall. It may even be a bit discomforting. But because you are a Brown student, you know exactly what’s going down. The poor soul is undergoing the torture that is wiping oneself with college restroom toilet paper.
Trigger warning: You may want to avert your eyes if you are uncomfortable talking about poop because shit’s about to get real (no pun intended).
You thought Keeney toilet paper was bad.
We have all had that tragic dorm bathroom toilet paper experience: the painstaking extraction of no more than three sheets of tissue at a time before the merciless jaws of the dispenser sever them from the rest of the roll. You then repeat the process several times, mash the product into a barely useable wad of butt paper, and promise yourself that next time, you’ll just go to the bathroom in Faunce.
Now imagine a time when you did not even have the option of even three sheets of toilet paper, but only one. Imagine using a device not much different from Jo’s napkin dispenser as your only University-sanctioned option to engage in proper bathroom hygiene.
If you’ve envisioned yourself in this scenario, congratulations!
This post just becam e way too uncomfortable. You are adequately feeling empathy for every Brown student who attended this fine institution until the fall of 1987. We can imagine how overjoyed students were to find this front page Herald headline on the first issue (Sept. 9) of the fall 1987 semester. Check it out after the jump.