FlogDailyHerald: Umbrellas

Not even you, Rihanna, can redeem the umbrella.

Not even you, Rihanna, can redeem the umbrella.

As everyone knows and has complained about incessantly throughout the day (myself included), it is really rainy outside. With rain comes the usual rain gear – raincoats, boots, sadness and umbrellas.

All umbrellas are useless. That this has not yet been discussed on a national – dare I say international – level is shocking to me. So, let me begin the dialogue.

Some people have those tiny, flimsy umbrellas, which are annoying just because they don’t do anything so why did that person bother? In fact, all umbrellas don’t really do anything. They operate under the assumption that your rainy day has zero wind (which is stupid). All they really do is cover your head, which can easily be accomplished by wearing a hood.

All umbrellas break within a year of purchase. Have you ever had an umbrella last you more than a year? If the answer is yes, it’s only because you never used it, because it’s pointless.

Despite what some may tell you, there is no added bonus of an umbrella protecting multiple people from the rain. Have you ever had a pleasant experience walking under an umbrella with someone? No. Every time, you have to time your step according to your umbrella partner, resulting in an awkward, jerky and slow gait. If you were to forego the umbrella and walk at a normal pace with a raincoat on, you would get far less wet because umbrellas do nothing. Even if Rihanna offered me a place under her umbrella (ella…ella…ay…ay…ay), I would regretfully decline, out of principle.

And then there’s the worst kind of all: those massive umbrellas everyone who works on Wall Street uses. They are so damn big that on most sidewalks you actually cannot pass the person walking in front of you with that massive umbrella without walking under their umbrella for a brief, but painfully awkward, moment. So now I have to walk slower and get soaked because you are using an ineffectual piece of rain gear to keep your head dry, despite the invention of hoods way back when the first monk donned a habit.

Don’t get me started on people who use umbrellas to block the sun.

So, please. Invest in a raincoat or just get wet. You’re not the Wicked Witch of the West. Unless you use an umbrella.

[Ed’s note: This is one blogger’s opinion and does not represent the views of BlogDH’s edit board or staff. I like umbrellas and know I get significantly less wet carrying one. Also, whoever stole my umbrella outside Wilson 101 today, sending bad karma your way].

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